By the time you peruse this blog over your post-election breakfast, WTF will either have collapsed in a drunken stupor or have strung herself up by her pantyhose. In a further demonstration that the bigger the shyster, the bigger the victory, Britain has voted for a blustering, bullshitting, blond buffoon, just as the USA did in 2016. No lie is too outrageous. No infidelity cannot be overlooked. No bluster or burble is too blustery and burbly. Who cares about that stuff any more? Large swathes of the electorate clearly do not give a toss. In 2016, they believed his lies. In 2019, they do not even care if he is lying, as long as he gets Brexit done. This is the new political reality. It doesn’t matter if it is not real, even when you know it is not real, as long as it is what you want to hear. And so it is that some parts of the country that have not been Tory for decades, if indeed they ever were, suddenly turned blue, Blyth Valley, Stoke, Darlington, Redcar, Burnley, Wolverhampton NE, West Bromwich, Bishop Auckland and Tony Blair’s old seat Sedgefield, tumbled into Tory hands like dominos. Back in the BBC studios,Jeremy Vine shimmied back and forth over his floor map of constituencies like a contestant in Strictly Come Dancing giving his all to the jive, the scoreboard behind him turning blue like mood lighting.
But the opposition made it easy for him. Corbyn failed to tackle the anti-Semitism in his party, and alienated the Jewish Community as a result, which was told either that it was making it up (even after Corbyn admitted it and apologised), or that it should just suck it up. And now those pesky Jews will doubtless get the blame for the debacle, causing even more hostility towards them. But he also failed to take a position on Brexit, opting for a Swiss-style neutrality that impressed no one, not to mention his promises of billions to be spent on this, that and the other from no obvious source, like those idiots on The Apprentice who pitch up with their business plans, only to be torn apart by Claude and the bloke with the glasses, because they failed to include the costs of rent, staff and electricity. But of course, the results were nothing to do with him, because he told us so at his count. It was down to Brexit with a side helping of the Media. Not to him. Not to his policies. He is not even standing down immediately, although he said that he will go in due course, and so we are still stuck with him. As for the Liberal Democrats, Jo Swinson’s hubristic claims that she would be Prime Minister proved somewhat short of the mark because she lost her own seat in East Dunbartonshire by a hundred votes, while those terrible tit seams alone probably cost her party 30 seats.
So this is where we are. We now have a Government that will get Brexit done, albeit not nearly as quickly as people have been promised. But we also have a Government that will pursue tax cuts instead of spending on social care and social justice, that will mount a systematic assault on human rights and workers’ rights, and which will be ruthless on immigration under the messianic policies of Home Secretary Cruella Patel. It will focus on the ugly and the unfair, empathy and honesty shoved to the back of the same cupboard in which Jacob Rees-Mogg had been locked since his Grenfell gaffe. The Conservative and Unionist Party will preside over the breakup of the Union as the SNP sweeps inexorably onwards and upwards. The only bright spot is that Ruth Davidson, former Leader of the Scottish Tories, had previously promised to swim naked in Loch Ness were the SNP to win over 50 seats. Which it appears that they will. God, that water will be cold…….. STOP PRESS – the SNP only got 48 seats. The Scots are spared the sight of Ruth Davidson’s naked person, and Ruth herself is spared hypothermia.
We start our survey of the week’s sartorial slop bucket with singer Justin Bieber out and about in Beverly Hills.
Justin is 25. He is a married man. Yet he is going out in public in teddy bear shortie pyjamas and a pair of slippers with smiley emojis on them, like a schoolboy somnambulist. The only blessing is that his baseball cap is not back to front.
More sleepwear, this time at the #Fight4TheAmazon event in Los Angeles on actress Megan Fox, wearing Blumarine.
Megan is fighting4theAmazon in her nightie, which is super-super-tacky. And her nightie is also puckered.
To London, and the Capital Radio Jingle Bell Ball, where we encounter singer Ava Max wearing who even knows what?
WTF hates a transparent trouser almost as much as she hates a one-legged trouser worn by a two-legged person, which she hates almost above all things, particularly when it is crotch-hugging and worn with snow booties on both feet. This whole look reeks of indecision. You can imagine the discussion between Ava and her stylist. ‘Hey Ava! One leg or two? Ivanka Trump hair or Danaerys Targaryen hair?’ – ‘Er, dunno. Let’s do both’..
This is singer and songwriter Jax Jones wearing Chanel.
Jax is clearly paying homage to Vladimir Putin in his judo champ mode. Vlad is not perhaps not the most obvious role model… but WTF would give good money to see him wearing logo’ed Chanel.
And this is singer Sam Smith.
Sam is not going into the Christmas Turkey Poll for this nastiness, but only because he is already in there for something even worse. You will find out what on 27 December, and it will do your post-blowout indigestion no good at all. But this is still a stinker, a pair of white satin dental nurse track pants paired with a black turtleneck and a brown jacket, complete with white lego blocks on his feet.
Finally from this event, singer Rita Ora almost wearing Guy Laroche.
The designer at Guy Laroche has obviously been inspired by his kitchen floor tiles, with a cut-out section ready for a nephrectomy.
Meanwhile, are those boots or are they trousers with holes? With Rita, you can never really tell.
We are now in Paris at the Dior party attended by footballer David Beckham wearing Dior Homme.
This is awful. He looks like an oil slick in plimsolls.
And now two horrors from the GQ Men of the Year event in London. First, actress Julia Fox wearing Alexander Wang.
A peekaboo lace bodystocking might seem like tautology, but not to Alexander Wang, That black thing wrapped around her looks like a sweater. One must repeat the WTF Golden Rule. If you have to hang something in front of your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it.
Finally, we have actor Darren Criss also in Dior.
As we saw with Becks, a satin suit is a bad idea, because it crinkles and wrinkles like a sharpei’s rear end. But this particular satin suit is an even worse idea, because it comes with its own ombré sash-cum-comfort-blanket. WTF has two questions. First, has anyone ever seen Justin Trudeau and Darren in the same room? And second, why is Justin/Darren standing with his hand across his chest like Napoleon Bonaparte?
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh, who is in high indignation about the Edinburgh Christmas Market.
Edinburgh has a history of messing about with its magnificently austere dignity, foisting helter-skelters and Heaven knows what other gaudy monstrosities upon citizens and tourists alike, when all they want from Princes Street is to look at the Castle and say ‘oooh’, before nipping into M&S. And now the burghers have permitted Princes Street Gardens, a glorious space between the New Town and the Old Town, to be crammed with stupid stalls selling all manner of Yuletide tat. It’s horrible and It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will be of cheer in these dreadful times, and please don’t forget your sizzling suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x