Usually the annual WTF Summer Stinker Poll is a politics free zone, but it would be impossible to publish anything this Friday without mentioning one of the most ridiculous weeks in British history. We all knew it was coming, but it is better to travel hopefully than to arrive. And this is what we arrived at.
Be still my beating heart. On Tuesday, we learned that this absolute buffoon, this charlatan, this barefaced liar, this adulterous, love-child-spawning, chancer,would shortly be ensconced in 10 Downing Street and poised to lead us to, and then over, the Brexit precipice. And like some two-bit Southern Baptist preacher, he will get us there with optimism! And with enthusiasm! Believe and We Will Leave! Click your heels together three times and say ‘There’s no place like home’ and you’ll be there. Only in this case, home is shit creek with a serious paddle shortage.
On Wednesday, Donald Trump, another charlatan, pathological liar and adulterer, praised Johnson and boasted that people were saying (Trump-speak for he just made it up) that he was ‘the Britain Trump’. He is, but only in the ‘buy one, get one free’, sort of way. After a waffling speech better suited to Sports Day at St Trinian’s outside his new residence and before the world’s press, Johnson then assembled the most dismal Cabinet in living memory, a Hammer House of Horror of right-wing fervour, mediocrity, ignorance, mendacity, and sheer incompetence. Say hallo to dim-as-a-dead-lightbulb Priti Patel and to pipsqueak Gavin Williamson, sacked by Mrs Maybe for lying and leaking respectively. Blow a kiss to Esther McVey, who lied blatantly to the House of Commons. Wave to Dominic Raab, the former Brexit Secretary (for about twenty minutes), who never bothered to read the Good Friday agreement, but still felt free to opine on the vexed issue of the Irish border, and who admitted that he had only recently realised the importance of the English Channel. Doff your cap to Jacob Rees-Mogg, the Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright of Westminster, who is the new Leader of the House of Commons and who is allowed to attend Cabinet by special Old Etonian dispensation. He talks in Latin and so people think he is ever-so-intellectual. And this dismal collection of numpties, nobodies, and ne’er-do-wells constitute the new Government. Our new Government. Kill me now.
On Thursday, as if signalling His displeasure with what was occurring in Britain, the Almighty (not Trump, Him Upstairs), sent us the hottest July day since records began and our already-suffering citizens sweltered and sweated while train lines melted, tarmac cracked and tempers flared, followed by thunder, lightning, flooding and all sorts. The frogs and locust are probably on their way. Get ready, Britain, for a roller-coaster ride – with no safety certificate.
And so the main business – the Summer Stinker Poll!!!!!! All you have to do is to vote for the ghastly fashion disasters below, all of them vying for the coveted title of the WTF Summer Stinker 2019. None of that Single Transferable Vote nonsense here – just vote as often as you like, and for as many as you like, and tell all your friends and neighbours to do the same. Are you ready? Here they are, in first name alphabetical order, denoting no preference whatsoever on the part of WTF, the compiler of this shower of sartorial shite.
1. B Simone, rapper.
B pitched up at the BET Awards in a sheer condom with frilled boobage, an encrusted minge, and what looks suspiciously like a folded antimacassar around her neck.
2. Billy Porter, entertainer.
Frankly, anything that Billy has worn on the Red Carpet recently would have been eligible for nomination, but this suit from the Critics’ Choice Awards gets the nod because it is wrinkled like a sharpei’s bum and has a bow large enough to wrap around Broadway – twice.
3. Celine Dion, singer.
The last time WTF saw that many bones, they were in an ossuary. Extra minus points for the ridiculous shoulders, sunglasses worn in the dark, and the black leather cap like a pervy private.
4. Charly Arnolt, actress and WWE announcer.
Not so much a woman, more a fluorescent tangerine with globular tits. Just. Very. Bad.
5. Cynthia Erivo, actress.
Like an exploded candy-floss maker. The good news is that she is wearing panties. The bad news is that you can see them.
6. Gillian McKeith, TV nutritionist (right). Her daughter (left) is not a candidate.
Will this be third time lucky for Gillian? She has been robbed of the award twice running. A polo-neck body, a fishing net in lieu of a skirt, a pair of foul velvet bootees, a cape made from an old curtain, and a toy crown do not an outfit make. Except for her.
7. Halsey, singer.
Halsey looks like an anaemic frog in a bikini. Great hair, though.
8. Kim Kardashian West, pointless celebrity.
Ouch! It is one thing to have straps over your nipples. It is quite another to have them so tight that there is spilth above and below, leaving Kim with imprimatur for days afterwards.
9.Lewis Hamilton, racing driver.
A distinguished former winner, Lewis is the ultimate fashion victim. Dressed like this, he should consider making an application to the Criminal Injuries Compensation Board.
10. Lil Kim, rapper.
As WTF remarked at the time, if a scaly anteater went to a fancy dress party as Lil’ Kim, this is what it would look like. The Chanel handbag resembles a wrecking ball and is stupid.
11. Linda Cardellini, actress.
A raspberry muppet with a mullet. And a bow, just in case there was the smallest danger of someone thinking that Linda was underdressed.
He is wearing a prick-skimmer as a skirt, which is horrific enough, but more offensive still is the abundant man-cleavage. Button that coat, sir!!!! And then go away.
13. Nana Ghana, actress.
Nana is wrapped up like a birthday present, the fabric is cutting into her right boob, and she is wearing her bedroom mules. None of this makes any sense.
14. Nick Cannon, entertainer and TV host.
This is preposterous. Why is Louis Vuitton making bullet proof vests with matching gas mask and deck shoes? On what occasion would you wear them, other than during a civil war in Monte Carlo?
15. Olivia Munn, actress.
The material looks like the scum floating on top of polluted water and she appears to be micturating, courtesy of the minge waterfall.
16. Odell Beckham Jr, American footballer.
Odell is dressed as a Prada postman complete with sewn-in mailbag.
17. Patrick Starr, makeup artist.
Patrick! Bless him! He should be on top of a Christmas tree.
18. Perez Hilton, personality and celebrity blogger.
Look Readers, this man publishes a blog featuring the week’s worst dressed celebrities. As Jesus was wont to remark, Physician, heal thyself.
19. Poppy, singer.
This seems to be a Hell’s Angel’s nightgown with a tit-frill and spiked collar, while Poppy’s head appears to have been photoshopped onto it.
WTF hates a tattooed face almost above all things, and she is also resoundingly unimpressed by the preponderance of baby pink studded leather WITH MATCHING BOOTS. Even more unpleasant is the fit of the trousers with built-in crotch-snuggle.
21. Shawn Everett, sound technician.
Shawn is another distinguished former winner of this competition, and now seems he is making a bid for a double crown (a feat previously achieved only by Bobby Norris in his assorted cock socks), dressed as an extra from Game of Thrones.
22. Tiffany Young, actress.
This is part pantomime boy, part Minge Moment and the voile boots are very, very, silly.
OK Readers, now it’s your turn. WTF has made the selection. Now you get to select from that selection. You can vote as many times as you like, and as often as you like, and the polling form allows you to leave unpleasant comments to go with your votes – or you can comment in the usual manner below. The results will be published next Friday. See you then. Be good.