Nothing summed up the callousness, selfishness and insensitivity of this week’s Conservative party conference in Manchester more than the sight of the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions, Therese Coffey, belting out Time of my Life from the movie Dirty Dancing. The cigar smoking Coffey made a scalded cat sound like Adele; but the real scandal about her performance, complete with barefoot dancing, was that on that particular day the Government had closed off the £20 uplift in Universal Credit which had benefited six million people during the Covid pandemic. Even by her own abysmally low standards, this was a new low for Coffey, to the point where even some Tory MPs were forced to admit that this was more tone deaf than her horrible singing. Coffey however does not care, any more than she cared when she voted against a Bill to require rented houses to be fit for human habitation (she herself is a landlord), or any more than she cares about depriving people of a much-needed £1,000 a year while herself claiming over £175,000 a year in Parliamentary expenses.
But then the Tories gave the impression that the UK really is having the time of its life. Which is doubtless why the Prime Minister was keen to tell us that things are on the up. Our economy is thriving, we’re flogging lamb to America, and we are going to level up, whatever that means (because it actually does not mean anything). As far as WTF can see, the only levelling up going on is that no one can get any fuel, with citizens engaging in man-to-man combat on the forecourts of non-filling stations. This is because there is a shortage of lorry drivers. That is because all the foreign lorry drivers have gone home post-Brexit, which is what happens when you make people feel thoroughly unwelcome. Johnson did not mention this in his speech, let alone offer a solution for it. His barnstorming address to the faithful on Wednesday also failed to mention that inflation is going up; gas and electricity is going up; NHS waiting lists are getting longer; there is a serious possibility that shelves are going to be empty by Christmas; and 10,000 people have died since Freedom Day on the 19 July. We have even run out of butchers, for God’s sake. They have gone home as well. Not that there will be a lot of butchery for them to do, given that the supermarkets are running out of food. Johnson simply ignored all this, instead preferring to tell us about fifty times that the Government was going to “level up”. It was a speech so vapid and lacking in specificity that even the Daily Mail gave it the nostril. If there is a political embodiment of the expression “all fur coat and no knickers”, it is Boris Johnson and his useless, incompetent cohorts. And Readers do you know what the worst bit is? They are still miles ahead in the polls…
We start our survey of the last fortnight’s sartorial slurry with Boris Johnson allegedly out jogging in Manchester. Kill me now….
If he jogs so much, why is he so portly? And what the fuck is he wearing? No one, absolutely no one, goes jogging in a white dress shirt with cufflinks, black socks and brogues. On the same day that Fatboy was pretending to run around Manchester, 40,000 actual runners were taking part in the London Marathon. Yes, people ran dressed as buses and cakes and whatever, but WTF is willing to bet that not a single one of them was dressed like this. As the Americans used to say about TFG, days without being a national embarrassment – zero.
Next, singer Grimes out and about reading Das Kapital. Like you do…
Grimes walking while reading Das Kapital and dressed as a pile of mouldy medieval books is as plausible as Boris jogging in dress shirt and brogues. WTF also deplores the arrow pointing to her Minge.
And now some chaps from the Tonys Red Carpet in New York, starting with actor/singer Jesse Tyler Ferguson, seen here with his husband Jason Mikita.
Quite apart from the fact that (i) no redhead should ever wear lilac and (ii) no man should ever wear evening dress without socks, there is no excuse, not even of any kind, for an adult to be dressed like a pageboy at a country wedding.
Actor Tom Sturridge was also there, wearing Thom Browne.
Ignore the stupid hat – he always wears one, it’s his schtick. But this is The Blue Brothers directed by Quentin Tarantino, and it prompts many questions. Is that a gunshot wound on the left side of his shirt? If not, what is it? Why are his trousers at half mast? And when was the last time that shirt saw the inside of a washing machine? Manky.
This is singer Madonna wearing who knows what at a showing of her Madame X film concert in New York.
This is more a case of Madame Why? There is growing old disgracefully. And there is looking like a waitress in an S&M beach bar.
Here is singer Olivia Rodrigo wearing St Laurent (!!!!!!) at the opening of the Academy Museum of Motion Pictures in Los Angeles.
Olivia is covering her bits with Mickey Mouse’s auricles. Walt Disney must be turning in his grave….meanwhile, one can but wince thinking about the pain Olivia must have experienced when removing the tit tape when getting undressed…. yurgle.
Actor Jennifer Connolly is Louis Vuitton’s muse, perhaps because she is one of the few people who can keep a straight face when wearing their tat. Like here…
Earlier we had Olivia Rodrigo with Mickey Mouse’s ears covering her bits. Now we have Jennifer with Mickey Mouse’s ears covering her shoulders like a mousey carapace. If a cowboy went to a fancy dress party as a macrame lampshade, this is what he would look like.
Another one prepared not to laugh when wearing LV’s silly clothes is actor Cody Fern. And this is about as silly as silly can get.
Paddington goes pastel……
Andcolumn favourite, rapper Cardi B wearing Richard Quinn.
Cardi likes to be colourful, which is good. But she is dressed like Little Weed from the ancient BBC kiddies programme, Bill and Ben the Flowerpot Men, which is bad. Very bad.
Finally, we have former Big Brother contestant Aisleyne Horgan-Wallace wearing Abyss by Abby. BE CAREFUL AS YOU SCROLL…….
WTF aficionado Kathryn from Bromley was so appalled by the sight of Aisleyne’s arse, enhanced by about 50 lbs of Brazilian butt-fill, that she got in touch with WTF on Thursday evening demanding its inclusion. And how right she was….. some things are better covered up, love. In your case, with a tarpaulin.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Martyn from Isleworth who is very unimpressed by the new offering on Netflix “Diana: The Musical”, a filmed version of the Broadway show described by The Guardian’s Stuart Heritage as ‘the year’s most hysterically awful hate-watch”.
Martyn has a point. The show features a group of paparazzi chasing Diana through Paris singing in faux-cockney accents “Better than a Guinness, better than a wank / Snap a few pics, it’s money in the bank”. Hasn’t her family suffered enough? Haven’t we ALL suffered enough? It’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Send in your suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your very top comments. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x.
I know it ages me but I’m sorry, I loved Little Weed in Bill and Ben. Cardi B may give me nightmares at the very thought of her now….