This week, Britain was horrified to learn that an American TV star had beguiled a boyish Old Etonian into abandoning his obligations towards an elderly Head of State. But that is enough about Donald Trump and his attempt to lure Boris Johnson into turning on Iranian President Hassan Rouhani and ditching the non-nuclear agreement. Let us speak instead of Meghan Markle, currently-but-for-how-long HRH the Duchess of Sussex, and her adoring husband, nice-but-dim HRH Prince Harry, the Duke of Sussex, who have both given the finger to his grandmother the Queen, his father the Prince of Wales, his brother and sister-in-law the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, and the whole Royal Household. The young couple ignored Granny’s instruction to make no public announcement at this time, and instead announced that they were retreating from their roles as senior members of The Firm. Instead, they and baby Archie would divide their time between Canada and the UK, where they intended to pursue the golden path to (bigly) independent incomes. In short, they were done with the dreariness of Royal Protocol and the stultifying repetition of family get togethers in chilly palaces and stately homes. Farewell to old people’s homes, to attending boring charity dinners, to ignoring the smell of fresh paint, and to cooing ‘Gosh, how interesting’ when shown the innards of a new widget machine in Dudley. Instead, it is hallo to savouring the pleasures of making masses of money, to appearing on US late night chat shows, and to hobnobbing with George and Amal, Oprah, and that bloke who starred with Meghan in Suits. Indeed, it appears that Meghan and Archie have already gone back to Canada after only three days back in the UK. In short, it has all gone tits up for the royals.
Harry and Meghan are not intending to relinquish their Windsor home (owned by Granny, and done up to their exacting requirements by Tim and Tilly Tosser, the taxpayers), their income (courtesy of Daddy) or their Royal titles. They want to be part-time Royals, enjoying the good bits and giving up the boring bits. Of course WTF understands that Royal Life is boring. The Royals are boring. That is the point of them. They are not supposed to be interesting but Meghan was much too interesting to be a real Royal. She had an acting career. She was divorced. She was American and liberal. She did not wear hosiery. And, of course, she was mixed race. Her father’s family are like something out of Deliverance. Her svelte mother teaches yoga. From the beginning, she had to endure overt and covert racism, sexism and xenophobic abuse from the very people who now complain that she has induced her husband into doing a runner. On Thursday, WTF was forced to hear pompous journalist Tom Bower sneeringly observe that Meghan was never right for the Family and that she was forever playing the ‘race card’. Harry already loathed the intrusive Press because of the way they treated his mother. And people wonder why they are leaving? Teams of rocket scientists are currently working round the clock to solve this conundrum….
Frankly, why would you NOT leave that Family business? Charles has spent his whole life waiting for a job he will not start until well after most other people have retired. William may have to wait decades until he has his go. Harry will never have a go at all, and yet he is expected to hang about under full public scrutiny while his wife is abused and sneered at, and his privacy invaded. Half the family is not talking to the other. Tea with Uncle Andy, the Nonce’s mate, or cocktails with Brad Pitt? WTF knows which one she’d opt for. Cheers!
All the fashion follies this week come from last Sunday’s the Golden Globes 2020 in Beverley Hills. Talking as we were of The Queen, we start with Olivia Colman, who won Best performance by an Actress in a TV Drama for her role as HMQ in series 3 of The Crown. Olivia is wearing Emilia Wickstead.
Now that Olivia has won an Oscar, a Golden Globe and who knows what other honours, it is time she got herself a decent stylist. This is one ugly dress and it makes her look like a Victorian postbox.
The party may have been In Style, but they are not. Her dress for the ceremony was gorgeous, but then she changed into this thing, covered in the mould found growing on damp walls in a dosshouse.
As for Nick, as usual, his suit does not fit and he looks like a knob.
Actress Cate Blanchett, wearing Mary Karantzou.
WTF hates a jewelled titty. In Cate’s case, she looks like a jewelled Nefertiti. And the last time WTF saw a mullet like that, it was sitting on Rod Stewart’s head in the 1970s.
Actress Lucy Boynton, wearing Louis Vuitton.
If a silver candlestick in a blond wig and platform sandals went to the Golden Globes, this is what it would look like.
Actor and comedian Ramy Youseff, in a bad suit with his award for Best Performance by an actor in a TV musical or comedy. Scroll down slowly.
The suit colour is reminiscent of a guest at a 1950’s Mafioso wedding in a Martin Scorsese movie. As for the footwear, TRAINERS DO NOT GO WITH BLACK TIE. FACT.
Actress Sienna Miller, wearing Gucci.
Hats off to WTF aficionado Philippa, who described this pithily as three shades of phlegm. It so is. And the hem is puckered like the Dowager Countess’s lips in Downton Abbey.
Actress Katherine McNamara, wearing a Ulyana Sergeenko design from 2015.
WTF likes M&Ms as much as the next person, but not as tit sprinkles. And she hates that Angelina Jolie sticky-out-leg pose almost above all things.
Queer Eye presenter Karamo Brown, wearing Grayscale.
The jacket is too small and the trousers are in a Mexican standoff with his ankles. Shamies.
Actress Kerry Washington, wearing Altuzarra.
More Angelina posing. WTF likes the skirt. She likes the jacket. But the skirt is held up by diamanté tit braces in lieu of a top, under the jacket which must have been superglued to Kerry’s person.
Actress and lifestyle guru Gwyneth Paltrow, wearing Fendi.
Someone called @AtlantisRising replied to a tweet from @WTF_EEK (that’s me, by the way – what do you mean, you don’t do Twitter?) about Gwynnie’s frock horror, ‘If you are hating on this dress you do not understand what it means. This is simply stunning and when I am able, I will enlighten you the proper way. ⚡️❤️🌍🕊’ WTF is still waiting to be enlightened….. To her, it is a stinker, peekaboo frills the colour of diseased animal droppings with a side order of buttock.
And there is also the matter of the necklace worn UNDER the dress. Was this done as a precaution against it being nicked by a jewel thief? If only someone had nicked the dress the night before, and saved the world’s eyeballs from this affront.
WTF originally gave the Worst Dressed of the Night to Gwyneth but that was before she saw actress Hunter Schafer at the HBO after-party, wearing Rick Owens.
When the hideous backdrop looks better than what you’re wearing, you have a problem. In this case, a yellow top that resembles an oversized gas mask and an alleged skirt like a giant sanitary pad, worn with horrible horses’ hooves. An early contender for the WTF Summer Stinker 2020 and we are still in early January.
Finally, for those who missed the tweet announcing the winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2019, it was…
BOBBY LYTES! His behind was in the front from the start and stayed there, and is it surprising? A worthy winner…..
This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Mary from Birmingham, who introduced WTF to these absurd McDonalds trainers. Neither Mary nor WTF is loving’ it. Quite the reverse.
Fortunately these are a one-off (for now) but they are ludicrous. If you run in them, could someone ketchup? Mary opines that that the world has gone mad. She’s right. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It is nice to be back. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these dark times, and please don’t forget your super suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x