This is in memory of Andrew Purcell, a friend of the blog and the best ever leaver of comments, who sadly died recently. A native of Houston, Texas, he did a guest opener when the city was flooded a few years back and it was as wonderful and witty as you would have expected it to be. Andrew you are – and will be – missed.
WTF has decided to look back at some of the good things this year because, Heaven knows, last week’s rant was enough to make you want to cut your wrists. And then we can get on to the serious business of the year – voting in the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey Poll.
So here are WTF’s highlights of the year.
1. Donald Trump’s ridiculous two-tone-tan, sported at his club in Mar-A-Lago last week. WTF has two questions, both pertinent. One – do his family and staff really hate him that much that they stayed schtumm? (Answer – yes). And two, if, as Trump maintains, he is not really orange, and it is the fault of LED lightbulbs that he looks like that, why is half his face the colour of a overcooked Welsh rarebit while the other half is as white as a Klu Klux Klansman’s robe?
2. The incredible bravery of the Hong Kong students taking to the streets at huge personal risk to themselves, in opposition to the oppressive Chinese Government. Humbling.
3. And talking of bravery, let us also salute the motley collection of ex-cons, kitchen staff, an off-duty copper, a civil servant, and a couple of tour guides, who tackled and disarmed a murderous Jihadist who was armed with two huge kitchen knives, starting in Fishmongers Hall and ending on London Bridge. Darryn Frost, the civil servant wielding a Nawahl tusk, got a lot of publicity, but WTF’s heart belongs to John Crilly, on licence for manslaughter, as he put a fire extinguisher to a dual purpose. First he used it to spray the bastard to the ground, and then he hit him with it. Top stuff.
4. The England cricket team, twice snatching success from the jaws of defeat. Special mention to the awesome Ben Stokes. There are times when it is still possible to feel pride in this country. Here were two them.
5. WTF has only just discovered The Marvelous Mrs Maisel. Wow, it’s wonderful.
6. Netflix, for bringing top movies The Irishman, Roma, and Marriage Story right into your living room. This way you don’t have to schlep out in the cold to see them, plus no one is crunching their way through a carton of popcorn the size of Scotland.
7. The number of hump back whales has increased from 450 fifty years ago to 25,000 in 2019. Proving, remarkably, that if you don’t hunt and kill things, they survive and prosper. Who knew?
8. Greta Thunberg, for winning Time Person of the Year. Because she has done so much good in making people (of all ages) think about climate change. And because it really, really, pissed off Mr Two-Tone. These are both good things.
Right – to business. I mean, it is time to vote for the WTF Christmas Turkey 2019, with eighteen persons vying for the much-coveted prize of looking like a total pillock. Remember that you can vote for as many people as you like, and as often as you like – none of that single transferable vote malarkey here. Just check the appropriate box or boxes on the ballot form. The contestants appear in first name alphabetical order, which denotes absolutely no preference on WTF’s part. Frankly, they are all so terrible, it would not matter what order they were in.
WTF will be back, tanned and rested, on 11 January 2019 with a brand new blog and the results of this Poll.
Here are the eighteen shockers for your delectation and selection.
1. Ajiona Alexus, actress.
Ajiona’s nether regions resembled those of a newly-plucked, exceptionally well-fed, ostrich. This is really rather disturbing.
2. Bel Powley, actress.
Until she saw Bel’s dress, WTF had no idea that tit goggles were an actual thing. Here was a pretty dress ruined by the aforementioned tit goggles, the python around her hips, and a cape designed for the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
3. Bobby Lytes, entertainer.
It was hard enough looking at the yellow lace and the sparkly kiddies’ trainers, and that was before you even got to the arse viewing panel. Yurgle. Put it away, Bobby!
4. Cardi B, rapper.
Of course, it could have been anybody in there, but whoever it was, s/he was awash with florals, like Hyacinth Bucket wandering in a verdant summer meadow.
5. Darren Criss, actor.
Justin Trudeau lookalikey Darren demonstrated the hazards of a satin suit, which always puckers and crumples like a sharpei’s bum. And this one came with its own ombré comfort blanket.
6. Dascha Polanco, actress.
Dascha was dressed as a tinfoil version of the Sandeman logo, but with genitalia curtains and some silvery sandals. One gust of wind and there could have been an international incident.
7. Ezra Miller, actor.
This is proof, should proof be required, that red eyeshadow does not look good on anybody. Nor does writing SLUT on your cheekbone. Nor does the combo of leopardskin shorts and stole, complete with the ‘Take-a-letter-Ms-Jones’ pussycat-bow blouse and lamé bootees.
8. Jeremy Scott, Moschino designer.
Jeremy is a serial offender, with the emphasis on ‘offend’, and this ridiculous outfit was no exception, like a kinky bondage matador dressed for all eventualities.
9. Joan Collins, actress.
Dame Joan is 86 years old and is too old to be dressing as a doxy. Those trousers were just unacceptable. Stormy Daniels spoke disparagingly of Donald Trump’s ‘yeti pubes’, and sadly, Joan’s spangly bits brought those words to mind. Back to the ballgowns, Joan!
10. Julia Fox, actress.
Yes, WTF has said this before, and no doubt she will say it again. If you have to hang something in front of your minge, there is something wrong with your outfit. And with you for wearing it.
11. Justin Bieber, singer.
Why a 25-year-old man chose to wander round Beverley Hills dressed like one of the Lost Boys in teddy-bear jim-jams and smiley emoji slippers, WTF cannot say. But it did not look good. There is a village somewhere missing its idiot.
12. Kash Doll, rapper.
Tits ahoy! Tattooed tits at that. And there is camel-toe in abundance, puckered knees, a split trouser-hem, and sleeves like a Californian cheerleader’s pom-poms. Why?
13. Laverne Cox, actress.
No knickers and tit-strips. And what looked like a slave’s halter. Just. Very. Bad. Laverne, you are better than this.
14. Lena Dunham, actress.
Lena has never really got the hang of Red Carpet dressing, and this was no exception. She looked just like an exploded Christmas muppet with tattoos. Horrid.
The proportions here were very odd (the dress, not Lil’ Kim, although frankly both are true). She looked as though she had been stretched sideways, and her head seemed to have been superimposed onto someone else’s body.
16. Melina Matsoukas, director.
As WTF noted at the time, this was like a medieval troubadour whose innards had been torn out by an angry monarch. Why anybody thought this was a good idea, Heaven knows….
17. Neelam Gill, model.
It is rare to find an imminent Minge Moment on a jumpsuit. Just saying. And there was an inordinate amount of tit.
18. Sam Smith, singer.
Sam was wearing bottle-green lacy leisurewear and a matching robe. With black brogues. The ‘a’ was for an Attitude Award, but it could equally have stood for ‘aaaarghhh’.
OK Readers! Get voting!!!!!!!