It is almost Christmas and so WTF thought she would end the year with a fairytale for you. Next week will bring you the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey 2018, and then there will be a break until 11 January 2019 while WTF suns herself on the other side of the world and drinks a lot of Riesling and Pinot Noir.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.
Once upon a time, a girl called Theresa lived in a big, tall house in the middle of a city. Theresa was the city’s leader and was obliged to do the people’s bidding. And the people had asked for two pink flying elephants circling above the main square singing ‘Happy’. Now Theresa knew that this request was impossible, but she was a dutiful girl and she tried her hardest to make this happen. She travelled to the Land of the Elephants and had many meeting with Herr Tusk, the Chief Elephant Master, but, as she knew she would, she failed. And so she was obliged to return to the city and tell the people that there were no pink flying elephants, not even of any kind, but that she was holding an option on two grey elephants, who could neither fly nor sing. All they could do was to walk round and round making loud trumpeting sounds and blowing watery snot at onlookers. Oh – and there was a lengthy minimum hire period for the elephants, and a possibility that the lease could go on for years.
The people were furious. The ones who had wanted pink, flying, elephants singing ‘Happy’ refused to accept grey, perambulating, elephants who could not sing and who blew watery snot at them. Those who had always thought that it was cruel to put elephants on show at all were also scornful. Everyone demanded that Theresa return to Herr Tusk to get a better deal, and, if she couldn’t, then she should step down and let the evil pygmies, Mophead and Moggy, carry out the negotiations instead. Mophead and Moggy had promised the people that they would get tough with Herr Tusk and would demand pink, flying, elephants that not only sang ‘Happy’ but also ‘Three Lions on the Shirt’. And if Herr Tusk still failed to oblige, they would buy elephants from somewhere else, spray them pink and fly them around the square on wires, and to hell with the health and safety regulations, which were probably imposed by Herr Tusk in the first place.
The people were not given a vote on whether to go with Theresa or with Mophead and Moggy. Instead, the burghers of the city had a secret vote and chose Theresa, sending Mophead and Moggy and their pygmy followers scampering back into the shadows. Theresa had won! She was so happy. Except that she now had to go back to Herr Tusk and ask him for pastel-coloured, flying, elephants that sang ‘Happy’ or at least ask whether she could take the grey, non-singing, elephants on approval. But Herr Tusk held firm. It was the grey, non-singing, elephants on a long lease or nothing at all.
And the thing is, boys and girls, there was no magic wand to turn grey into pink, or perambulating into flying, or watery snot-blowing into singing. There would be no happy ending for Theresa, Mophead, Moggy, the pygmies, or the people. Because there is no such thing as a pink, flying, elephant. An elephant cannot sing Happy. And the moral of the story is not to ask for things you cannot get………
We start our review of the week’s fashion flatulence at the British Fashion Awards in London and singer Olly Murs, wearing River Island Man.
WTF went off wearing brown after the 1970’s, when she had a very fetching brown Afghan coat with orange embroidery, and a pair of brown platform boots which could only be closed by lying on the bed with one’s leg up at a right angle and a metal coat hook pulling at the zip. Olly’s brown suit makes him look like a draylon teddy bear with black facings and slip-on sneakers.
Next up, we have model and actress Suki Waterhouse, wearing Mulberry.
One can only conclude that Suki spilt something on her skirt or trousers. There is short. And there is a scalloped snatch-sighting. And this is in danger of becoming the latter any moment.
This is model Doutzen Kroes, wearing David Koma.
If a woman with bad liver spots went hula hooping, this is what she would look like.
Finally from this event, we have actress Kristen Scott-Thomas, wearing Valentino.
There is enough fabric here for a small marquee and she appears to have lost an arm in some dreadful accident.
We now move to Los Angeles and the premiere of the movie Aquaman, starring actress Amber Heard, who is becoming something of a fixture in this blog, wearing Minge Maestro, Julien Macdonald.
If there is a body part to be flashed, Julien is your man and this is very typical of his oeuvre. He has dressed Amber as a scaly sea-creature with a minge panel and no feet.
Next we go to an event for designers Herring & Herring, where we encounter actress Olivia Munn,wearing Yanina Couture.
Olivia is wearing a sheer dress patterned with little Regency-period ladies and gentlemen, including one gentleman who appears to be hovering unnervingly close to her lady parts. One should not be expected to put up with scenes of gross indecency on someone’s skirt. WTF has spoken.
This is actress and singer Tessa Thompson wearing Marc Jacobs.
Tessa’s outfit is the lovechild of Aladdin and one of the Duchess of Cornwall’s wedding hats, and she also has a turd on her head.
We haven’t seen actor Jared Leto for a while, but we always knew that he would return – and he has.
Jared is giving us a mashup of Game of Thrones and American Pie, and it is to be deplored.
We are now in London at the Capital FM Jungle bell Ball where we meet singer Marina Diamandis, wearing who can even say what this is?
Wearing a croptop shorts suit decorated with scrunched-up doilies over a pair of net curtains fashioned into trousers is a new one to WTF, and it is an experience that she could happily have lived without, and hopes fervently to be able to do so in the future.
Also there was singer Ellie Goulding, wearing something extremely bad.
WTF is sorry to see Ellie in white incontinence pants and matching bralet over a white shroud, which is not so much ethereal as excruciating.
And last, bringing up the rear, literally, at the Women in Music festival, we have singer Janelle Monáe wearing a deeply preposterous ensemble by Gareth Pugh.
Cowboys wear chaps, yes, but over jeans. They do not have their crotches on display, and with good reason, because when the wind comes whistling through Wyoming, you do not want your nether regions exposed to the elements. These are pinstriped nappy-chaps, and they are manifestly not up to the job.
The problem with pinstriped nappy-chaps is they do not cover your arse. It might do for Brokeback Mountain but they are ill-advised for ordinary wear. And the length of the trousers is a health hazard.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. We had a bumper fashion fiasco section this week and so It’s Got To Go became It’s Had To Go. But keep sending in your comments and your splendid suggestions for future editions of It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x
A side splitting week! Gx