Some concepts are difficult to grasp. Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. Stephen Hawking’s History of Time. And the notion that UKIP can be brought into disrepute. Teams of rocket scientists are currently working around the clock to solve this conundrum and they may be occupied for some time.
UKIP is rather like the stylus or the telegram. That was then – this is now. It once served a purpose for Europhobes but now we are heading out of the EU. Since Nigel Farage purportedly stepped down from politics in September 2016, the Party has had more Leaders than a Girl Guides’ get-together. Hatchet-faced Diane James who lasted less than three weeks before stepping down from a position she never actually took up; Farage as Acting Leader until November 2016; Paul Nuttall, a fantasist with a fictional Ph.D, friends he supposedly lost at Hillsborough but never did, a career as a professional footballer that never happened, a house in his by-election constituency he did not actually live in and a terrible taste in tweed; after Nuttall stepped down in June 2017, UKIP having failed to win a single seat in the General Election, Steve Crowther in temporary control; and then Henry Bolton who was elected in September, defeating a madwoman who ran an outfit called Sharia Watch and was deemed too extreme to stand as a candidate. Bolton seemed unremarkable other than a chequered marital history, having married a Dane, a Russian and then another Russian, Tatiana, the present incumbent.
It all went wrong in January after Bolton took up with Jo Marney, 29 years his junior, who describes herself as a “presenter, music journalist, model, actor and Brexiteer”. Well, the last bit is certainly true. Bolton and Marney’s romance annoyed his wife (she claims they were still together, Bolton says they had already separated), the tabloids and the Party, which took against Marney’s “glamour” shots, her youth and her evident thirst for publicity. It got worse. A week later, Marney emerged as a virulent racist, even by UKIP standards, when previous Facebook postings and texts came to light. Grenfell Tower was ‘a nest of illegal immigrants of all varieties…that’s why they can’t identify most of them.’ Eastern European women were ‘sluts’ who would ‘fuck a mangey dog for about 10 quid and a Big Mac’, whilst Princess-elect Meghan Markle was ‘a gender obsessed twat’ whose mixed race seed would ‘pollute the royal family’. Romeo was forced to end his star-crossed tryst but last Sunday the Party Executive passed a motion of no confidence in him, stopped his stipend (he does actually not receive a salary) and resigned en masse. However, Bolton has refused to step down, has vowed to “drain the swamp” and is fronting it out, seemingly about to reconcile with Marney.
The idea that Bolton has brought the party into disrepute is like a turd complaining that another turd is malodorous. Amongst those flouncing off in high dudgeon were Mike Hookem, who allegedly decked his fellow MEP Steven Woolfe in a corridor of the European Parliament; David Kurten, a member of the London Assembly, who has compared homosexuality to child abuse; Aidan Powlesland, a former Parliamentary candidate who campaigned on a policy of developing spacecraft to allow humans to mine the asteroid belt; and John Bickley, who stood in the Oldham by-election and retweeted a cartoon with the slogan “if you want a jihadi for a neighbour, vote Labour”. None of these giants of the political stratosphere has any claim to bestride the moral high ground. The same is true of Neil Hamilton, a Member of the Welsh Assembly, who wants Bolton out on the grounds that “His recent behaviour has been so irrational, he should seek psychological help”. This is the same Neil Hamilton who was kicked out of the Tory Government in 1996 after The Guardian alleged he had taken bribes on brown paper envelopes from Mohammed Al-Fayed; who unsuccessfully sued the paper for libel; who lost one of the safest Tory seats in the country in 1997; and who, with his ghastly Pantomime Dame spouse Christine, set themselves up as a professional Z-Listers, appearing at every awful function and on crappy TV shows and standing in a perspex cage whilst comic Johnny Vegas showered him with fish.
They will try and force Bolton out. Meanwhile Bolton maintains his private life has no bearing on his Leadership as long as it does not damage the Party and the third Mrs Bolton is doubtless consulting M’Learned friends. This one will run and run….
We start our week’s mega-bumper-ginormous review of crapulous clothing at the National TV Awards in London on Tuesday and TOWIE’s Bobby Norris, fabled winner of the Summer Stinker 2014 AND the Summer Stinker 2015 with his foul cocksocks. At least he is covered up….
Bobby is putting the cock into peacock, whose tail appears to be tickling his groin. There’s a knocking shop somewhere in Shanghai missing its wallpaper….
Next up, we have actress Chelsee Healey, wearing Modemwah.
Chelsee’s face is shinier than a snooker ball and her groin is covered only by a crotch curtain on a crotch curtain rail. What happens she sits down? Plus we can see sideboob and tan lines and a tattoo and all sorts. Our cups runneth over. And hers…..
Here is another soap actress, Sarah Jayne Dunn, wearing Ruth Milliam Couture.
As far as WTF can see, Sarah Jayne is standing amidst the remains of an exploded giant poodle…
We now consider the horror that is actress Zoe Kravitz, wearing St Laurent.
This is imminent visible nipple activity and what can best be described as a minge triangle. Clearly, the designer drew inspiration from the scene in Absolutely Fabulous where a pissed Patsy emerges from a taxi with her bodysuit unfastened….
The rest of the week’s offerings come from the Screen Actors’ Guild Award in Hollywood where thespians various came up with some real stinkers. We start with Gayle Rankin, wearing who knows what?
Gayle is perched precariously on clodhopping sandals behind a portcullis adorned with little flowers, as if welcoming home a soldier from the Crusades. The slip is both ill-fitting and scrunched.
Sally Hawkins, wearing Christian Dior. It is actually a dress although it resembles bad trousers.
This kaleidoscope is giving everyone a headache. And she has a bullseye on her stomach. Sally had better not venture into a pub in her native Lewisham – someone might throw a dart at her.
Deon Cole. No one has owned up to designing this suit – good call.
This is officially a pity because Deon is handsome with a lovely smile but that rascal suit will not do and the velvet braid is a shocker. He looks like Nicely Nicely in Guys and Dolls. WTF is also unhappy about the droopy black bow tie like a decomposing bat.
Renee Bargh, wearing Alex Perry.
When Pooh got stuck in Rabbit’s front door because he had eaten too much honey and condensed milk, and had stay there, a wedged bear in great tightness, for a week to get thin, Rabbit used his legs as a towel horse. Renee has a triangular tit window instead of a door and she seems to be using her arms to dry the sheets…
Kate Hudson, wearing Valentino.
BBC recently did a remake of Little Women. WTF failed to notice that Kate was in it….
Jackie Cruz, wearing Laura Basci.
And finally, Kate Nash, wearing Bora Aksu.
Kate looks like a Meissen shepherdess, although this is more Bo Peekaboo than Bo Peep. Having said that, something seems to be hiding underneath her skirts and peering out through the porthole because WTF can see no other reason for it to be there.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado @MsAlliance who sent in this utterly revolting wedding jumpsuit by Spanish nuptial-specialist Pronovias. Get a load of this, vicar….
Why would you want your spouse’s granddad to get a whole load of your arse? And as WTF aficionado Philip remarked, the model looks as if someone one has sprayed her bits with whipped cream from one of those aerosols. It has SO Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You were a bit slow with your comments last week which made WTF anxious, which is A BAD THING. Please do better this week. However, there were some top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x