A man goes back to the doctor, who tells him that there is good news and bad news. The good news, he says, is that the man has a day to live. The man is stunned. “What’s the bad news?”, he asks. The doctor replies “I forgot to call you yesterday”. And that, Readers, is Labour under Jeremy Corbyn. The good news is that Labour saw off UKIP Leader, fantasist Paul Nuttall, in the Stoke-on-Trent Central by-election, on a very low turnout of 38%. The bad news is that it lost the admittedly marginal seat of Copeland, the first time the Opposition has lost a seat to the sitting government in over half a century.
Labour was lucky to be up against such a hapless cretin as Nuttall, a man who struggles to distinguish the truth from a steaming bucket of shit. Over the years, he has claimed to have been a professional footballer, when he wasn’t; has claimed to have a PhD, when he didn’t; and claimed to live at 65 Oxford Street, Stoke on his nomination form when he lived in Bootle. The Stoke property had been rented only the day before he filled in the form and he himself had never even seen it. Then he was caught out again. His website claimed that he had lost close friends at Hillsborough. Not a close friend, singular. Close friends, plural. Except that he hadn’t. In an interview last week, Nuttall admitted that he hadn’t lost one close friend, let alone more than one, although “I lost people I knew”. As Lady Bracknell nearly remarked, to not lose one close friend may be regarded as a misfortune. Not to lose two looks like carelessness. The blame was shifted onto a hapless Press Officer instead. He still claims that he had been at Hillsborough on that fateful day in 1989 and has the audacity to be affronted when questioned about it. Scousers cannot lie about Hillsborough. They just can’t. In the same week, his Immigration Spokesman tweeted a cartoon with the slogan “If you want a jihadi for a neighbour, vote Labour”, echoing the infamous 1965 campaign in Smethwick when the Tory candidate was elected on the slogan “If you want a n****r for a neighbour, vote Labour.” UKIP had claimed that it would storm the old Labour heartlands, especially Stoke where 69% had voted for Brexit. Like Nuttall’s other claims, it proved to be false.
The Labour candidate in Copeland (who shamefully left the Hall after the result without making a speech) is a volunteer for the St. John’s Ambulance Brigade. After coming second to the Tories in a seat which had voted Red since 1935, it is time to apply the Heimlich Manoeuvre and some mouth-to-mouth resuscitation both to her and to the Party, because this is as bad as it gets. Corbyn immediately put out a statement blaming the failed political discourse but it is his discourse that is failing. For the past year he has been talking to himself and his supporters and mistaking their evangelical support for national support. But, as yesterday showed, national support ain’t there. Labour should have walked Stoke, and with another UKIP candidate, it might have done much worse. Labour should have held Copeland, but it didn’t. In both cases, the by-elections had been prompted by resignations of disaffected Labour MP’s who bailed out rather than put up with Corbyn, and constituents do not like unnecessary by-elections and having to schlep out to vote on a wet and windy day, let alone in the middle of Storm Doris. But losing Copeland is not just the equivalent of dropping the ball – it is being unable even to spot where the bloody ball has gone. Corbyn doesn’t look like a Leader. He doesn’t sound like a Leader. He isn’t a Leader. He is unelectable and He’s Got To Go.
Time to distract ourselves with silly sartorial choices, starting at the Naked Heart Foundation Gala and designer Joshua Kane, wearing himself.
Charles 11 meets Victorian whimsy meets Bertie Wooster’s spats. Ugh.
And then there was excellent actress Kristen Scott Thomas, wearing Fendi.
She looks barking mad like the spiritualist Madame Arcati in Blithe Spirit.
The jumpsuit evokes the sort of cheap duvet cover you buy at ASDA’s Home Department and there is more clutter than your ancient auntie’s basement.
Here we are in London at the BRIT Awards and singer Rita Ora wearing Minge Maestro Alexandre Vauthier.
No, no, no. Rita is dressed like a GI in drag who has gone mouldy. The groin garland is particularly offensive. Although not nearly nearly as offensive as the “OMG-I’ve-just-been-caught-in-a-downpour-OMG” hair.
And this is stylist Kyle De’volle, wearing Vivienne Westwood.
And now three women dressed in feathers. As far as WTF is concerned, they all deserve the bird. First, we have X Factor winner Louisa Johnson, wearing Barrus.
She looks as if she has trampled over an eagle’s nest. Meanwhile, pink hair doesn’t even look good on a troll and they’re meant to be weird…..
And ditto with knobs on for model Nadia Vodianova, wearing Givenchy.
A scrawny pink budgie on stilts with built-in Minge Moment and wings. Why?Here is one of WTF’s favourite rules. If it looks shit on a supermodel, then it is probably is.
All four members of the band Little Mix looked dreadful. They cannot grasp that it is not mandatory to flash everything all the time. Or at all. This is one half, Perrie Edwards and Jade Thirlwall.
Perrie has also gone down the feathery route and has conical tits made from hubcaps, a veritable Black Swan as envisaged by an SS choreographer. Jade is wearing a crumpled sheet and is trying hard to show us that she is not wearing panties.
And here is the other half of the band, Jesy Nelson and Leigh-Anne Pinnock.
Jesy has put a zip in an armchair and worn it as a dress. Leigh-Anne has also gone for conical tits, like a couple of tiny denim sombreros, and the rest of her ensemble is not so much distressed as distressing.
This is model Eliza Cummings wearing Giles Deacon.
If Lady Mary from Downton Abbey went to a fancy dress party as a transgender Toad of Toad Hall, this is what she would look like.
We move on to the L’Oréal and Vanity Fair Young Hollywood Event and Modern Family star Ariel Winter, wearing house of CB.
This falls squarely into the category of “not even clothes”. A tit truss swimsuit and matching sarong may be fine at the pool. But not at a gala.
Finally, this is Westworld actress Angela Sarafyan, wearing Celia Kritharioti.
Why is this even a thing? She looks as though she has been run over by a line-painting truck.
Jeremy Corbyn. See above.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Next week will be an Oscars Special. In the meantime, keep commenting and suggesting nominations for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again this Friday. Be good x