Hallo Readers,

Our glorious leader called an election for next Thursday so we could all back her glorious vision of Brexit. We know that it is a glorious vision although we don’t know what it is because we have yet to be told what it is. But it will be glorious. Even if we end up with no deal at all, it will still be glorious. And we must believe her even though we have no idea how glorious it will be. And neither does she. As Tertullian said, not that he actually said it, “Credo quia impossible” – which means “I believe although it is impossible”. Anyway, President Maydogan cannot allow herself to be distracted by an election from planning her negotiation strategy, even though she was the one who called it for the date ten days before negotiations are due to start. She stayed away from the BBC Election Debate on Wednesday because she was too busy thinking about Brexit and said that Corbyn should be thinking about it too, not running about TV studios. The election was supposed to be about her glorious vision, not the NHS and benefits and why people’s houses would be confiscated to pay for their care should they go doolally. In her view, Corbyn should be developing his Brexit strategy for the negotiations even though he never thought he would have to do them and he has to campaign to get elected or he will not be elected, and if he is not elected he will not need to have a strategy anyway because she will be doing the negotiations, not him. 

Her campaign has been a shambles, starting with her calling it at all. Had she said that she wanted a mandate because she was not even elected by her Party let alone the country, that would at least have been honest. Had she said that she wanted to wipe him and Labour out, that would at least have been honest. She did neither. She underestimated him and the way he would come across. She threatened to take people’s homes away until it went down so badly that she took it off the menu. She thought she could avoid the hard questions. She couldn’t. She thought she could parrot the phrase “strong and stable government” and everyone would accept it. They didn’t. She thought she could impress us with her character and determination but she has the personality of a pot plant and has wobbled more than the Millennium Bridge before they had to close it to eliminate the wobble. The cult of personality only works when you have got one. Leadership only works when you show it, and when you show up. She got smaller and less commanding whilst Corbyn went the other way and grew in stature. She even declined to appear on Woman’s Hour. Let us hope her negotiation strategy is better than her election strategy because her election strategy was shit.

And so Readers, by the time you log on to WTF next week (where you will find much-needed light relief in the shape of the Summer Stinker Poll), President Maydogan will probably still be in charge with her useless, lightweight bunch of Ministers. Corbyn will still lead the Labour Party because his vote will have stood up and we shall at least be spared his even more lightweight bunch of Shadow Ministers and the horror of Diane Abbot as Home Secretary. Not that Amber Rudd is much better. Those who consoled themselves with the thought that he would be wiped out and have to resign will not even get that, because he’s done an Arsene Wenger and he won’t be going anywhere. With any luck, Paul Nuttall will go away and save the world with his scientific discoveries and Tim Farron will just go away. It will all be the same as it is now, only with the Glorious Leader holed below the water line by her own hubris. We have had weeks of this nonsense – and for what?


We start our weekly review of the sartorial shit-pile with football pundit Alan Shearer, looking a right state during the BBC Cup Final coverage last Saturday. (Arsenal won. Just saying.)

Alan’s dishevelled appearance suggested that he had spent the previous night in the cells and come straight to Wembley from the magistrates court. Unshaven, cutaway collar like the butler in Downton Abbey and a tie not so much askew as curved like a banana. Smarten yourself up, Al!

Gucci had its cruise wear collection on show this week and here is Jared Leto making a show of himself in some, as per usual.

]ared has been rummaging in the Gucci dressing up box  again.  His velour bathrobe, or a very good approximation, can be found at T K Maxx for a fiver and he is wearing a random selection of candy-hued, over-priced, con-clothes paired with silver space bootees like Capt. Spock at a Gay Pride March.

To Cannes, where the Film Festival drew to a close. This is model Irina Shayk, who gave birth only recently to Bradley Cooper’s baby, wearing Balmain.

Like a slashed rubber tyre floating in an oil slick. Even a  beauty like Irina had no chance with this monstrosity,

Cannes also hosted the amfAR gala where models wore ridiculous clothing. Let us start with Laury Thillerman, wearing Jean Paul Gauthier.

Not only is it ugly as sin (all it needs is a wimple to go full Canterbury Tales) but the metal collar makes her look like a nodding doggie on the back shelf of a car.

Then there was Shanina Shaik wearing Philipp Plein. 

This is a bit too bacofoil but that said, there needs to be more of it and a lot less of everything else including the side boob. Loving the bracelet though….

And there was also model Bella Hadid, nearly wearing Ralph & Russo. Mind how you go with this one…..

The fabric is exquisite. With a lining, it would have been great. But there is no lining, not even of any kind. We can however congratulate Bella’s waxing technician ……

Bella is gorgeous. But this is vulgar. WTF has spared you the arse cheeks because she is bored by arse cheeks. Enough already with the arse cheeks. 

Finally, we encounter Britain’s got Talent judge Amanda Holden wearing Minge Maestro Julien Macdonald. Extra careful now….

Amanda’s only talent is for crawling up Simon Cowell’s rectum (now that could be an interesting programme, Britain’s Got Arse-Lickers) and so she has to wear this sort of tat to keep people interested in her. BGT is supposed to be a family show, not a peep show but Amanda cannot resist baring her creosoted tits and bits. Just go away, you ridiculous woman.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is on behalf of 75,000 BA passengers affected by another catastrophic computer failure (there have been several over the past year) which grounded all BA flights last Saturday and many more for the rest of the bank holiday. Aspirant passengers spent their weekend sitting on airport floors or standing in interminable queues with no information about what was happening, when it would happen or whether it would happen at all with their luggage at large. Alex Cruz, BA’s Spanish Chairman, avoided all questions until Monday, although he did post encouraging messages on the BA website wearing a high-viz jacket – at BA HQ!! As if the sight of a hairy-faced corporate arsewipe was going to encourage anyone, except to thoughts of violence. On Monday, Cruz assured us that he was “profusely sorry” but saw no reason to resign and denied that his cost cutting measures, including outsourcing the IT department to India, was in any way responsible. On Tuesday, luggage was still AWOL and passengers phoning to enquire as to its whereabouts found themselves fobbed off on a premium rate number at a squillion pounds a minute. This is all part of what WTF aficionado Ayesha from Stepney  aptly termed “Corporate Contempt”. Sod the customers. Don’t tell them what’s going on. Play them a recorded message which tells them nothing whilst ripping them off to listen to it. Let them spend their long-awaited, much-anticipated, non-holiday treated like shit. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Keep those comments coming as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Next week, when you are weary from watching the election all night, and from the election generally, WTF will lighten your load with the WTF Summer Stinker Poll – no rant and twenty revolting fashion disasters for you to choose from. See you next Friday. Be good. 

4 responses to “WTF No-Show Special”

  1. I was hoping you’d have that Amanda Holden dress. It is HORRENDOUS.

  2. Laury Thillerman is dressed as Ming the Merciless.

  3. I’m not sure I agree with your translation of Tertullian’s paradox “Credo quia impossibile”. “Quia” means “because” rather than “although”. So Tertullian is saying “I believe because it is impossible” – now sometimes taken as a central tenet of Catholicism. Which gives your use of the quote additional resonance in relation to Maydogan, the vicar’s daughter.

  4. *So you have an election this week. Can’t say I’m impressed. Recent examples seem to have been rigged in favor of stupid. I’ll see your Tertullian quote and raise you a Kurt Vonnegut. “We probably could have saved ourselves, but we were too damned lazy to try very hard … and too damn cheap.”
    Richard Nixon got elected by promoting a secret plan to end the Vietnam War. Ronald Reagan promised us that we could eliminate the national debt by cutting taxes. Don’t get me started on Donald Trump. By these standards Prime Minister May is just the fading aroma of a particularly noxious fart (this too shall pass).
    Anyway, best of luck.
    *Jared Leto is standing in front of some very nicely carved wood paneling. That paneling deserves better.
    *You neglected to mention Laury Thillerman’s diamond shaped minge-marker. (Insert joke here.)
    *You are promising that the next installment will be the summer stinkers and no rant. Just a day after a national election. Uh-huh. Well, I won’t hold you to that vow, but…
    …there is always Twitter.

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