Yes, it is that time of year when you get to vote for the WTF Summer Stinker, choosing from 20 horrendous sartorial shockers from the first half of 2015. Frankly, they are all bad and so your task is a difficult one. WTF has omitted Kim Kardashian because (i) whatever she wears is ghastly and (ii) WTF cannot stand the opprobrium heaped upon her by Readers whenever the fat-bottomed idiot is featured in the blog and so has bowed to public opinion. Otherwise WTF considers this to be a fair selection. Those of a nervous disposition or offended by male bits are advised to approach the picture of Bobby Norris (no. 4) with caution.
The contenders are in first name alphabetical order and you can choose as many of them you like (no Single Transferable Vote here). Make sure that you vote and tell everyone else you know from your mother to the milkman to vote as well. The results will be published next Friday when the blog resumes normal service. Start selecting…..
1. Bai Ling, actress, dressed as a dragon.
Bai Ling – never knowingly overdressed. The dragon thing is ridiculous and WTF is particularly alarmed by the horned tits. Get too close and you could have been gored to death…..
2. Beyoncé, singer, wearing Givenchy.
It takes a special sort of outfit to make Kim Kardashian and Jennifer Lopez look classy. This was that outfit. Beyoncé arrived at the Met Ball a mere 3 hours late with nothing but a few sparkles to cover her bits, accessorised with a My Little Ponytail.
3. Blanca Blanco, actress, wearing Quyhn Paris.
Blanca appeared on the Oscars Red Carpet to much bafflement. She seemed to be burning at the stake. Which pretty much summed up WTF’s view of what should have happened to her outfit.
4. Bobby Norris, TOWIE person, wearing a knitted cocksock.
Unacceptable. He should be placed under house arrest with immediate effect.
5. Charles N’Zogbia, footballer, wearing something hideous.
Charles pitched up for training at Aston Villa in a flowery ensemble, prompting his team mate Shay Given to post this picture nominating him as the Worst Dressed Footballer Ever. Good call. As one appalled tweet observed, he looks as if he had been shat out by Cath Kidston. And brown shoes?
6. Dencia, singer and purveyor of skin whitening cream Whitenicious, wearing who knows what.
The good news is that Dencia was one of the few at the Billboard Music Awards to be covered up. The bad news is that she was covered up in this, accessorised with ski goggles and ill-matched pastel peep-toes. The lips and beard over the minge is to be deplored and she seems to have been caught in a Smarties explosion.
7. Diane Kruger, actress, wearing Chanel.
Diane is usually impeccable but as Mark Anthony said to the crowd after Julius Caesar’s murder, what a falling off was there my countrymen. As WTF remarked at the time, her Cannes amFAR Gala dress looked like a hedgehog with ribbons. Coco must be turning in her grave.
8. Gary Bigeni, designer, wearing himself.
Gary arrived at Melbourne Fashion Week wearing this psychedelic nightmare of an outfit. WTF still hopes that he was wearing this for a bet as there could be no other explanation for his resemblance to a homeless man who had just raided a charity clothing bin.
9. Irina Shayk, model, wearing Atelier Versace.
Of course Irina is gorgeous but was it really necessary to attend the Vanity Fair Oscars Party in spotted tights and an undulating tit and minge cover? You know the answer…..
10. Jennifer Lopez , actress and singer, wearing Charbel Zoe.
No-one expects elegance at the Billboard Music Awards. It would be like going to work in a sewer wearing black tie. But there is a distinction between sexy and anatomical and this is it. Sadly, Jennifer has simply become vulgar.
11. Jessica Ellis, soap actress, wearing something shiny with Milly J shoes.
There was something very Miss Whiplash about this revolting slitherfest of a dress. As for the Cinderella-goes-lapdancing shoes, they are beyond all comprehension.
12. Joy Villa, actress, wearing Andre Soriano.
What do you mean, who? The Grammys are a chance for nonentities to make a name for themselves, even though the name is usually “idiot”. So it was that Joy graced the occasion in a dress made from the orange netting used to fence off traffic accidents and roadworks, worn with a matching fascinator. Readers, do not be alarmed – she was wearing panties. Like that made a difference…
13. Lord KraVen, wannabe singer, wearing something weird of his own design.
Lord KraVen is the musical equivalent of Joy Villa and took the opportunity to make his mark at the iHeartRadio Awards like an extra from Game of Thrones. Although he seemed to be emerging from his top boots, this was in fact a hairy top over leather trousers but no less foul for that.
14. Madonna, singer, wearing Givenchy.
In Japan, the latest trend is Hamuketsu – the love of hamsters’ backsides. Madonna is in love with her own backside and paraded it at the Grammys. However, this love is not shared by the rest of us as her arse is a sight more familiar than the moon in the night sky. Put it away love, for Heaven’s sake.
15. Mike Tyson, former World Heavyweight Boxer, wearing something horrible.
Mike attended the iHeartMusic Awards in this extraordinary getup. Did he stand too close to a newly painted wall? Note also the poncy white belt and the loafers two sizes too big. Mike’s stylist is currently in hiding pending radical plastic surgery and a lifetime’s exile to Vanuatu.
16. Phoebe Price, actress, wearing something extremely strange.
There is eccentric and there is certifiable and this is well past certifiable and en route to insane. As WTF noted at the time, Phoebe was in costume to do a one-woman version of Oliver with the Artful Dodger’s hat and Nancy’s dress but where the Easy Rider fringed leather jacket came in is anybody’s guess.
17. Solange, singer and professional sister, wearing Giles.
Unlike sister Beyoncé, Solange came to the Met Ball covered up but what the hell was covering her up? She is not so much wearing this as hiding behind it. WTF can only surmise that having beaten up her brother-in-law Jay Z in an elevator after last year’s bash, Solange wanted proper protection should she run into one of his minders this time round.
18. Sonam Kapoor, actress, wearing Elie Saab.
Sonam walked the Red Carpet at the Cannes Film Festival wearing a couture haystack. And the colour looked horrible against her skin tone.
19. Stephanie Davis, soap actress, wearing Lemon Lunar.
Yikes. This cheap piece of nastiness with double-slit genitalia curtains (yours for £50 and frankly you will have overpaid) offered appalled onlookers plenty of side-pube. Surely there is some law against walking around in public like this? And if there isn’t, there should be.
20. Toni Braxton wearing Zeynep Erdogan.
Toni! You are a star with a long and distinguished career and at 48 you have a cracking figure but honestly…. The peekaboo Minge Moment raffia skirt was very bad, someone seemed to have drawn on her copious boobage with a magic marker and the seams on the illusion panel are downright ugly.
OK READERS!! GET VOTING!!