WTF Mega-Bumper Yurgle Special

Hallo Readers,

This week saw another chapter in the saga of the ex-Cabinet Minister, his Economist Ex-Wife and one of Britain’s first black judges, all of whom were incarcerated for perverting the course of justice. Chris Huhne, a sneering, supercilious little man, joined the Cabinet in May 2010 after an election campaign with brochures full of pictures of him and his wife of 24 years, Government economist Vicky Pryce, in which he extolled the joys of family life. Weeks later, he ditched her for his bi-sexual PR adviser. Pryce then plotted vengeance with her pal, barrister and part-time Judge Constance Briscoe, herself a dumpee after her partner, a 75 year old QC, had done a runner with a 27 year old trainee in his Chambers. I mean, you couldn’t make this stuff up. The women hatched a plot to shop Huhne to the Press for having pressurised his secretary into taking his penalty points for speeding in 2003. Only it wasn’t his secretary (who didn’t drive) it was Pryce. The plot unravelled, the cops came to call and Briscoe, purporting to be an impartial witness, told them that Pryce had confessed all in 2003 and this was not now invented out of spite. Huhne and Pryce were charged with Huhne vehemently protesting his innocence. However, at the trial he pleaded guilty. Pryce ran a fatuous defence of matrimonial coercion but was found guilty. In March 2013 they both got 8 months, served 2 and have popped up everywhere ever since trading on their notoriety. Last week it was Briscoe’s turn. She was found guilty of lying to the Police, falsifying documents and attempting to pervert the course of justice and got 16 months on the basis that judges, even part time ones, should not be telling porkies and forging stuff as they were supposed to know better. In short, everyone lied their heads off and deserved everything they got. 

Huhne however sees it differently. On Monday he snivelled on in The Guardian that he would never have been prosecuted but for Briscoe’s original lie about the contemporaneous complaint in 2003. Without it, he said, the police would have seen this is a domestic spat and left well alone. He was aggrieved that she did not stand trial for that lie as it would have involved calling Pryce to testify, which would not have worked since Pryce had also been found to be a liar. He, on the other hand, had only lied about being innocent because Briscoe had lied which entitled him to brazen it out whilst trying to prove she was a liar.  Similarly, he is challenging the order to pay £110,ooo for prosecution costs because he claims he spent ages trying to show Briscoe was a liar and should have to pay only £20,000 with Tilly and Tommy Tosser, the taxpayers, forking out the rest. In other words, he was a liar but he should not have been charged on the word of another liar even though he was in fact guilty. This man once held high office and presumed to lecture the rest of us on how to behave. WTF would like to shove his purported justification up where the sun don’t shine with a hot poker. As Prime Minister Clement Attlee once remarked, “a period of silence on your part would be welcome”. In Huhne’s case, an indefinite period. Just go away.

We now go to the Met Gala, the fashion event of the year and kick off with Broadway star Neil Patrick Harris and his partner, actor David Burtka, both wearing Thom Browne.

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The trousers flirt with the ankles, there are brogues without socks, full-length tailcoats with no tails on them and cummerbunds like straitjackets. They just look very silly.  Thom Browne – stop it.

And now we have a succession of shockers by Prada, starting with Margot Robbie.

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A bra with visible straps like an Essex barmaid, a see-through top complete with a dog ruff, a skirt made from plastic tiles and bridesmaid shoes. Ugh.

The next victim is Gabrielle Union.

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Like a dead ostrich with mirror tiles in a bralet and sandals. Just. Very. Bad.

And then young Brie Larson

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No, WTF doesn’t know what this is either. The top seems to be decorated with anchovies and the mini-turd hairstyle is the pits.

Lupita Nyong’o had not put a foot wrong on the Red Carpet. That is, until she stepped out in this monstrosity. 

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Like a flapper wearing the remnants of a bird cage blown apart by Jack Bauer from 24 when trying to rescue some parrots carrying a microchip with the codewords to stop world domination by loonies various. As for the shoes and headband, WTF prefers not to speak of them. 

And finally, Elizabeth Olsen wearing Miu Miu, Prada’s secondary line.

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It must have been a chilly night in New York because Elizabeth’s nipples are more prominent that the wheel nuts on a Scammell Truck. As well as being event-inappropriate, the dress is puckered and the only illusion about the illusion panel is the designer thinking that no one can see it.

This is singer Erykah Badu wearing Givenchy Couture.

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What did Erykah do to provoke Riccardo Tisci into putting her into that hat? Even Pharrell Williams would scoff at it. It reminds one of ken Dodd and the Diddymen. Meanwhile, the coat and trousers are lovely but those earrings the size of saucers have to got to go.

diddyman

We now come upon Maggie Gyllenhaal wearing Valentino Couture.

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Valentino appears to have recycled some garish 1970’s furnishing fabric and it is giving WTF a headache. Ghastly. 

Here are Johnny Depp wearing Ralph Lauren Purple Label and fiancée Amber Heard wearing Giambattista Valli.

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Amber looks OK but what has happened to Johnny? He resembles nothing so much as Fred Astaire’s elderly, partially-sighted uncle.

Chanel also had a bad night. First there is actress Chloe Moretz.

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Little House on the Prairie meets a loo roll holder. Eek.

And then there is Kristen Stewart.

Kristen

More plumage. The World Wildlife Fund must be in uproar. WTF has never cared for Kristen and the dress is ugly. Which, on any view, is a drawback.

Now we have model turned actress Kate Upton wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

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Kate is dressed like a saucy Edwardian widow. And what is that thing on her head?

Also clad in bits of dead creatures is Naomi Watts wearing Givenchy Haute Couture. 

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Haute couture? Stitching the scales from a diseased salmon onto chiffon is haute couture? Really? WTF particularly dislikes the crotch circle, which is just  offensive.

And of course here is Rita Ora wearing Atelier Donna Karan and Casedei boots.

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The Sugar Plum Fairy Does Bondage. Horrible.

Here we have chef Sandra Lee (also the partner of the Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo) wearing a dress custom made by Dara Lamb.

"Charles James: Beyond Fashion" Costume Institute Gala - ArrivalsThat skirt is as wide as Central Park. How did Sandra get in and out of her car? Why is so bridal? And why does it have giant inflated meat-and-two-veg silk genitalia? In short, what the hell is going on?

If you wondered what had become of Katie Holmes, formerly Mrs Tom Cruise, here she is wearing Marchesa.

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Like Scarlett O’Hara swimming in a sea of custard, only this Scarlett has  encrustations stuck to her bodice and someone at Tara forgot to pack both a hairbrush and an iron.

Rihanna looked great on the Red Carpet wearing Stella McCartney but then went to the after-party wearing this by the same designer.

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Both the fabric and Rihanna are lovely but why the butt crack? It is bad enough to have to put up with builders exposing theirs on public thoroughfares as they go about their business. Rihanna – put it away, pet.

But Readers, bad as these were, two dresses at the White House Correspondents’ Dinner were worse. WTF Summer Stinker worse. First, actress Rose MacGowan  wearing Ulyana Sergeenko.

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As @yvonneridley remarked, this is like when you cannot do up the zipper of your dress and so you are obliged to twist the whole thing round in order to have a better go at it. And then you cannot twist it back again. There is too much tit and thigh for any occasion, let alone this one. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Wronger still, meet Olympic Gold Medallist snowboarder Jamie Anderson. The designer of this dress has had Face Off-style surgery and has buggered off to Bogota under an assumed name. Good call.

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This is the most unflattering dress ever in the history of ever, clinging where it should not cling and gaping where it should not gape whilst exposing tit- tape which was patently not up to the task. The built-in minge curtain is creased and fails to hide chunky thighs. She looks like an uncooked sausage in a belt.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep the comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got To Go (for which there was no room this week) and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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8 Responses to WTF Mega-Bumper Yurgle Special

  1. Andrew Purcell says:

    At first glance, Brie Larson’s outfit looks as if it emerged from a Gustav Klimt painting. But what looks good on canvas doesn’t necessarily look good on the red carpet. 
    I had to read your account of the Huhne-Pryce-Briscoe incident twice. I kept thinking “Monty Python meets the Three Stooges”.
    Texas had a governor named Briscoe in the 1970s. He once interrupted his own press conference to announce that has was not insane. He came into office on a rare tidal wave of reform (well, maybe the ripple across the kiddie pool). It seems that a real estate developer had bribed half the Texas legislature and several dozen politicians were facing arrest, conviction, and jail time. Governor Briscoe signed legislation that made bribing members of the legislature legal. Problem solved.
    No, I can’t make this stuff up. To use a poker metaphor, I’ll see your judge and raise you one governor.

  2. Rebecca Jay says:

    I have come to the conclusion, WTF, that you must have missed something about the Met Gala this year – we must all have missed it – the theme must surely have been ‘Fancy Dress’ – wear anything you like – who gives a shit about the style – the more outrageous the better. Or maybe they were all vying for a spot on your blog! In which case they succeeded…

    As to the Huhne affair; and we wonder why the level of confidence in our public servants is at an all time low? Case answered.

  3. Sally says:

    WTF indeed. But what about the people lining up in the background. Whilst the woman behind Naomi Watts has some unnecessary black lace hanging off the bottom of her potentially nice dress, but has messed it up with horrid peep-toe boots ! Yuk
    As for the woman behind Rita Ora (whose dress I only object to due to the huge amount of net), WTF has she come as? I’m not sure, but it may in fact be our very own Nancy Dell ‘ Augh !
    What a rum bunch.

  4. Sarah Denby says:

    I love the way you save the “best” for last–I’m scrolling down and thinking “it cannot get worse” and it DOES, much to my eternal delight! An athlete with Jamie’s physique should have NO problem getting something that looks fabulous–her dress would have been better on Kate Upton, who at least has boobs. And I loved the description of how Rose’s dress came to be back-to-front…. I have a hard time keeping up with US politicians’ shenanigans, let alone trying to follow the Brits, but it is always amusing to try! Keep up the excellent work–can’t wait to see what you offer tomorrow.
    (PS–For what it’s worth, Kate’s movie, The Other Woman, is well worth seeing!!!)

  5. lalazblog says:

    A gold medalist athlete has chunky thighs – the horror!!!! How dare she wear a dress that clings to them!!!! Sorry, but this type of snarky women hating is very uncool.

    • Rebecca says:

      I’m not sure there is any ‘women hating’ going on here at all. Just a hatred of ill fitting clothes and so called ‘couture’ items being worn that don’t flatter the body, probably advised by a stylist in the pay of the designer with little regard to how they actually LOOK on.
      Jamie herself, in my opinion. looks more than a little uncomfortable as she poses for the cameras…so lighten up a bit and get a sense of humour… is my advice.

      Sent from my iPhone

    • fashionshark says:

      Rubbish. I am not a woman hater. The blog is about bad clothes. Of course she has chunky thighs, she’s a bloody snowboarder but the dress was ghastly, inappropriate and unflattering and she obviously thought the opposite or she wouldn’t have worn it.

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