WTF Cannes Red Carpet Special

Hallo Readers,

Those of you who peruse this column regularly (thank you, thank you, thank you) will know that WTF is no fan of Suella Braverman, the woman who puts the gung-ho into Home Secretary. She exudes a blend of malice and incompetence which is notable even in this shitshow of a government, so that one almost – ALMOST – longs for the return of Priti Patel. WTF was surprised to discover only this week that Suella is not actually Suella but Sue-Ellen, named after Sue -Ellen Ewing, the long-suffering, alcoholic wife of dastardly J R Ewing in the popular TV series Dallas which ran from 1979 to 1991. One might think that Sue-Ellen Ewing was a curious role model for a little girl but who knows what passed for  normality in the Fernandez household in Wembley, Northwest London in 1980, the year of Braverman’s birth? That Sue-Ellen became Suella is perhaps understandable, but it is about the only understandable thing about her. For example, how does she continues to escape the sack as she lurches from scandal to scandal on a dizzying roller coaster of failure? One can only conclude that whatever she has on Rishi Sunak must be a humdinger. I mean, it doesn’t bear thinking about …

Last week, Braverman annoyed the moderate Tories by speaking at a number of very right wing, looney tunes conference which was basically a we-love-Boris- and-want-him-back fest, where she also burnished her credentials with the headbangers by ranting on about multiculturalism and ‘political correctness’. She spent most of this week facing allegations that as Attorney -General under Boris Johnson, she tried to pressurise her civil servants into arranging a private speed awareness course for her rather than having to sit through three hours with 20 members of the hoi polloi in a mass act of contrition for doing 24 miles an hour in a 20 mile zone. Fortunately the civil servants told their boss to fuck right off. And then dobbed her in. Good for them. Braverman apologised for speeding but swerved the issue of whether she had made any such request to her underlings. Despite this being an obvious breach of the ministerial code – yes, another one – Sunak concluded there was nothing to see here and announced that there would be no investigation, which means that there will be no censure and that Braverman will survive to cock up something else. It is becoming increasingly difficult to envisage what exactly Braverman has to do to get the push. Then on Thursday, she enraged the headbangers, the ones who drooled with delight at her tough talk about immigrants and shipping them off to African countries various, when the news broke that immigration has hit a record high of 606,000 with around 1.2 million people arriving to live in the UK in 2022. Enraged  backbenchers are now calling for her defenestration with immediate effect. It may be that the only reason (other than whatever she has got on Sunak) that she has survived these calls for her to go is that she has ‘gone to ground’ since the news broke and is not answering her telephone. What new scandals will befall her before we meet again next Friday? Watch this space…..


Our review of the week’s awful attire is all from the Cannes Film Festival, where a collection of gruesomeness awaits you, so bad you might well think that that the WTF Summer Stinker Poll has come early. We start with actor Cate Blanchett wearing Louis Vuitton.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. She seems to have meringues stuck to her tittage and hippage. Let us hope a short-sighted chef does not try and coat her in creme patissière.

Now we have actor Charles Melton wearing something sparkly at a party thrown by mega-jeweller Chopard. 

If some Bobbi Brown peach eyeshadow went to a black tie Chopard party at Cannes, this is what it would look like.

Meanwhile, the sheer silk top is nearly as silly as the length of the trousers, which are pooling around his ankles like a leaking tap. Was the designer expecting Charles to experience a growth spurt between the fitting and the event? 

Next up we have model Ashley Graham wearing Dolce & Gabbana.

The colour is certainly pretty, but she looks like an unmade bed.

And here is actor Julia Fox wearing what knows what this is supposed to be? But you just know, even without looking, that there is not enough of it.

There is an atomic mushroom cloud of puffery from a giant sheet and a bodice made out of  those silicone tit-shaped jelly moulds you buy in joke shops. Does Julia actually make movies any more, or does she just walk around flashing her bits? This is getting ridiculous. Cover up, love and make a movie. With your clothes on.

And now we meet Indian actor Urshavi Rautela wearing Ziad Nakad.

This is more of a case of Ziad Naked. Why is she dressed as Phoebe the Monster Muppet?

Say hello to French singer Yseult Onguenet, known as Yseult, wearing Alexander McQueen. Careful how you go on this one….

OK here is the problem. The skirt is pretty and the colour is gorgeous, but it is awfully snug around the tits and her head appears to be emerging from a giant ruff, like those masks you wear on Halloween. She needs a bigger size, a longer neck and a lot less ruffle.  Juliet remarked ‘that which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’ but this is a stinker.

And now a rare but much deserved double-appearance in a single week by Russian model Iriną Shayk.  First, she walked the Red Carpet wearing a sort-of-almost leather dress by Mowalola.

Er… she is wearing an ammunition belt as a top, like a Mexican bandito, and her skirt is on back to front.

But that is virtually overdressed in comparison to what she sort of wore when going to a party wearing (?!?!) Dolce & Gabbana. Scroll down slowly….

She is wearing Dolce & Gabbana. Undies. With a diamond dog collar, long sheer gloves and a matching condom. This falls squarely into the category of ‘that’s not even clothes’ and even by Cannes standards, it plumbs new depths. 

Finally, a hardy perennial, model and presenter Heidi Klum wearing Zuhair Murad. WARNINGTITS AHOY!!!!

Heidi is covered in molten custard like a jam roll poly pudding, sporting not only a giant tit window but also a belly button borehole, with the emphasis on bore. Oh, and the inevitable Monge Moment. The tit window was supposed to be kept decent by industrial quantities of tit tape, but of course the tit tape had tit tape failure leading to the inevitable and-oh-so-accidental-my-arse-nip-slippage to the surprise of absolutely no one.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yvonne from Jedburgh who sent in this picture from Twitter. 

Who would spend 10 p on this trash? Her astonishing rise to power? What about her astonishing crash from power? She lasted less time than a lettuce. Just Go Away. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Please keep sending in your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which WTF likes more than anything. They were mega-fab last week. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good .





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1 Response to WTF Cannes Red Carpet Special

  1. quixote
    quixote says:

    (Sorry to disappoint but I have no comment. Just sitting here with my head in my hands muttering “Woe is me.” Although I have to admit, Cate Blanchett was at least funny. Laughed out loud when I first caught sight of that one.)

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