We will shortly get to the main business of today, which is your selection of the WTF Christmas Turkey 2022. But first let us reflect briefly on the past year, which many of you will agree stank. And stank worse than a malodorous skunk with body odour issues. The world watched on aghast as a liar with charisma and some good jokes was replaced as Prime Minister by a humourless automaton whose 47 days in power tanked the economy, only to be replaced herself by the man she beat in the election to succeed the liar, only the new chap wasn’t elected at all by anyone because by then everyone was thoroughly fed up with the whole thing. The present incumbent is one of the richest men in the country thanks to his marriage to the daughter of a billionaire, a man who wears £400 shoes and custom-made suits but who lectures us about living within our means and who denies nurses, ambulance drivers and postman a decent wage. We also have a home secretary who was sacked on a Tuesday night by the automaton but was back in office the following week under the new chap and who dreams of deporting asylum seekers to far-off African countries. Inflation is soaring, house prices are falling, gas and electricity have gone through the roof, the NHS has collapsed, everybody is on strike, nothing works and Brexit has turned out to be nothing like it was promised to be. Covid seems to be back along with new strains of ‘flu, scarlet fever is making a comeback and nobody seems to have any immunity to anything anymore with people going down like a sack of potatoes for weeks on end. Oh, and the Queen died, the only Head of State anyone under 70 had ever known, Prince Andrew has been locked in a cupboard and is only allowed out to go to church on Christmas Day and Harry and Meghan are conducting warfare by media, banging on endlessly despite apparently being filmed 24 hours a day in their own home, with all the best bits featured in a six part bore-fest on Netflix about the intrusions into their privacy.
So what was good about 2022? Errr…. the summer was very warm. There was an excellent men’s World Cup final and England’s women triumphed in the European football championship. Arsenal are doing jolly well. WTF had a lovely five weeks in Australia…. And of course you have the unalloyed joy of the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll. All you have to do is select the worst of the fashion disasters that follow. 18 of them, all utterly frightful. You can vote for as many of them as you like and as often as you like and you can leave unpleasant comments to go with your selection. Don’t worry about complicated voting and transferable votes and all that malarkey. Just choose whom you like. The winner will be announced in the first blog of 2023 which is only a week away.
Happy New Year! It can’t be worse than last year. Can it?
Right! Off we go….
1. Billy Porter, American actor and singer.
The word ghoul has insufficient nuance to describe Billy’s appearance in this foul Rick Owens ensemble and WTF was going on in the shoulders? Did he have a dining chair stuck to his back?
2. Brad Pitt, American actor.
When even Brad Pitt looks bad in something, it is bad. And this is bad, like Miss Marple goes hill-walking. Only Miss Marple would not be displaying varicose veins and tattoos. Yurgle.
3. Dencia, Cameroonian singer.
Dencia exists principally to appear at Music Awards and look ridiculous, and she more than satisfied the brief on this occasion, resembling a titsy and glitzy Roman centurion with silly boots.
4. Donald Glover, American actor and singer.
Er….what???? Like an Edwardian wrestler in black knickers and Rupert Bear boots with a double side order of moobage. Just. Very. Bad.
5. Emma Watson, British actor.
There are exaggerated shoulders and there is nonsensical. This left nonsensical about five miles down the road and was heading towards ‘are you fucking joking?’.
6. Erykah Badu, American actor.
It started as absurd with the padded shoulders and ended in farcical with the floor mop feet.
7. Jared Leto, American actor.
Well, it would not be a Christmas Turkey Poll without Jared, would it? Here he was dressed as the love child of a hippie Merlin and Jesus. With deleterious results.
8. Julia Fox, American actor (and ex of Kanye West)
Julia’s outfits have been getting smaller and smaller and this was just a shredded bin bag held together, somewhat precariously, with twisted coat hangers. Titsy, tawdry and mingetastic.
9. Lil Nas X, American rapper.
Lil Nas’s courage to come out as a gay rapper is admirable, but did he really have to play penis peek?
10. Lizzo, American rapper and flautist.
No. Just no.
11. Machine Gun Kelly, American musician.
As a way of getting people to keep their distance, the suit was a success. As a suit, it is preposterous. Let us hope he remembered to take it off before embracing his fiancée, the lovely Megan Fox.
12. Megan Stalter, American comedian.
The fabric looked like flounced curtains, enhanced with pink bows like Shirley Temple in her pomp. Extra minus points for the little pink handbag.
13. Megan Thee Stallion, American rapper.
How did she get that technicolour yawn outfit on with those nails? This is a mystery right up there with the Bermuda Triangle and why anyone could vote for Liz Truss.
14. Muriel Hernandez, Spanish actor.
The ultimate Minge Moment. One sudden move in any direction and that that pudendum panel would have been rendered redundant.
15. Rihanna, Barbadian singer.
Yes, RiRi had a baby this year and was likely feeling a trifle unhappy with her weight (unnecessarily). But did she really need to wear that leather Minge Waterfall emanating from her jacket? Why not wear a skirt? Or trousers? Just asking…..
16. Rita Ora, English/Kosovan singer.
Even by Rita’s standards, that was not even clothes. Not even at all. And the mask thing made her look as though she had been bottoxed to death.
17. Summer Walker, American singer.
She was wearing a gold necklace as a skirt and a couple of light switches as a bra. Make. It. Stop.
18. Taylor Russell, American actor.
Not only was is excessively, not to say disturbingly, labial but it billowed like billy-o, as if a series of farts had increased the volume exponentially.
OK Readers, now it is over to you. Remember you can vote as often as you like and there is a multiple choice option, so feel free to select all your choices. Scroll down on the voting panel to get to the bottom names. The results will be published next Friday 6 January 2023. See you then!!!
Oh my God. When Dencia is near the Least Worst pick, you know you’re in trouble.
Jared Leto is an ocean-going creep. Lizzo just looks unsanitary.
My votes for the WTF Christmas Turkey: 6,8,11,12,13,16,17.
This it not to let the others off; they are spectacularly frightful too. These are the cream of frightfulness.