There is only one question dominating the nation – what the actual fuck is going on? How can this Government be so appallingly inept? How can any Prime Minister be so awful? How can a Party Conference be so disastrous? It is like watching Game of Thrones, but without the dragons – you never know when someone is going to take a swipe at someone else with their trusty sword or be defenestrated or thrown into a vat of boiling oil. There is a smell of death in the air and it is rancid. Only weeks into her tenure, Liz Truss has already performed more U-Turns than an Uber driver without a sat nav. As Tories gathered in Birmingham last weekend to anoint their new Leader, Truss and her ever-so-smooth Chancellor Kwasi Kwarteng toured the studios assuring us that the 45% tax rate would be abolished and that the Government would be sticking to its guns; this despite the pound toppling off a cliff and interest rates soaring. By Monday morning, Truss had changed her mind, leaving Kwarteng to get out the Tippex and change parts of his keynote speech, which he then had to deliver that afternoon, gurning and giggling, to a largely silent auditorium, many of the delegates looking as though as they had been shot through with novocaine. By Tuesday, Ministers were fighting like ferrets in a sack, some condemning the U-turn and others applauding it, some condemning Truss’s refusal to confirm that benefits would rise to keep pace with inflation and others condemning the ones who were doing the condemning. Meanwhile the Home Secretary, Cruella de Braverman, was mourning her inability to shove asylum seekers onto a one way flight to Rwanda, something which she disclosed was her ‘dream’. Instead she has come up with a new notion, namely deporting anyone who dares to seek asylum on the grounds that they were illegal immigrants, although because they are seeking asylum, they are not illegal immigrants. You get the feeling that if Cruella could chuck all migrants into the sea, weighed down with copies of the Human Rights Act, she would be up for it. It takes a lot to make her predecessor look good, but Cruella is managing to make Priti Patel look like Mother Teresa.
On Wednesday, Truss addressed the faithful, the ones who had voted her in only weeks earlier. It was painful. Many would gladly have undergone hours of root canal treatment in preference to listening to her monotonous assaults upon our liberties, coupled with inspirational anecdotes about her childhood, none of which appear to have been actually true. In summary, spurred on by the misery she saw around her as a teenager (when the Tories were in power, a fact she conveniently chose to overlook), she vowed to make Britain a better place and so came into politics. Omitting the bits where she joined the Liberal Democrats, campaigned to abolish the Monarchy and was an opponent of Brexit, doubtless cut only for reasons of time, she informed us that the only answer to our present malaise (unrelated of course to the dozen years of Tory Government, of which she has been a part), was Growth, Growth, Growth and that anyone who disagreed with her was part of an ‘Anti-Growth Coalition’ made-up of lefties, the Metropolitan Elite, the Twitterati, anyone who lives in North London, anyone who makes or listens to podcasts and the BBC. One was only surprised that she left out George Soros and Bill Gates. And then, her speech over, she ran to the Prime Ministerial limo as if she were Dame Kelly Holmes and sped back to London to continue cocking everything up. Does she have weeks? Months? Who can say? But just watching her fills you with both astonishment and a tinge of guilt at wanting more. Centuries ago, people used to visit madhouses for their entertainment. Now you can just sit and watch it live on the telly instead….
We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam at Paris Fashion Week with young cosmetics billionaire and celebritee Kylie Jenner wearing Dilara Findikoglu.
Kylie seems to have encountered Freddy Kruger in the bathroom, where he tried to have his evil way with her, ripping her dress to shreds and drawing blood – lots of blood – before she managed to escape. Yurgle.
Next we have perennial favourite, actor Jared Leto wearing – wait for it -Gucci. Does he even own togs by any other designer?
Has he matched his hair to his boots or his boots to his hair? He looks like a prat either way, but most of all, he resembles a leather-clad Tinky Winky in a wig moonlighting as a kinky chauffeur.
Over to Loewe, where we find model Karlie Kloss wearing one of its creations.
Well, this gives a new meaning to the phrase Minge Moment. And Mammary Molestation. Karlie is being groped by her own dress, which to be frank is in very bad taste. Did you know that Karlie is married to the brother of (barely) Human Ken Doll Jared Kushner, which means that #NepotismBarbie Ivanka Trump is her sister-in-law? And yet she manages to smile……
Also there was model and skateboarder Evan Mock. You can see who he’s wearing.
Evan is a silly little person and his preppy attire makes him look even sillier, like an extra on Return of the Nerds.
And here is fashionista Laura Santo Domingo wearing who can even say what this is?
Now we are into the Brave New World of cycling, upcyling and recycling, Laura, despite being very rich and married to someone even richer, has decided to turn her wastepaper bin into a jacket with tit pockets and wear it over a pair of flared dungarees. She may be saving the Planet but she looks ridiculous.
It gets worse. Here is professional son Jaden Smith wearing Louis Vuitton.
If a stained glass window had sex with a centurion while wrapped in a sack, this is what their offspring would look like.
And finally, away from Paris Fashion Week, we find comedian Megan Stalter, host of the Power of Women Awards, wearing Lucille Reynolds.
Oh dear. Oh very dear. Surely the Power of Women should stop you from flashing your sizeable, non-matching smalls under some lavender bubblewrap bedecked with bows? Get a grip, woman.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF from Islington, who hates Cruella de Braverman (see above) and also hates her dress sense and hates that smug expression even more.
One word to Cruella – SPANX. Two more. Go away. Four more words. She’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. And keep those splendid suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your top comments. Be good x
Brilliant! The Tory faithful applauded every anodyne sentence of their ‘Dear Leader’… Within the space of one week Britain under Truss’ Premiership started the slide to an authoritarian Banana Republic. Why didn’t the cameras provide shots of the lackeys signaling when to applaud? And Jared. Leto has to go too….
EXCELLENT ‘it’s got to go’ WTF. Laughed My Gooner Arse Off!