It is an ill-wind that blows nobody any good and it appears that the pandemic has blown a veritable gale of opportunity in the direction of mates of prominent Tories. Like the chappie who advised Liz Truss when she was at the Department of Trade, and whose start up £100 company was awarded a multi-million pound contract to make PPE, only for the contract to be transferred to an offshore property trust to which the chappie acted as a consultant. Or former MP Owen Paterson, who was paid bucketloads of dosh for his advisory services to two Northern Irish companies, one of whom secured another whopping contract to make PPE. Or Alex Bourne, who ran Matt Hancock’s local pub and who also had a company making plastic containers. Hancock insisted that Bourne had not been awarded a £40 million contract to manufacture vials for the NHS and that the contract went to Alpha Laboratories. When the government was finally made to produce the contract, Alpha had sub-contracted the whole of the production to another company, whose name was redacted. The redacted company has now been revealed to be Hinpack, the owner of which is… Alex Bourne!!! To date, no one has explain how Hinpack’s name came to be redacted and on whose orders. Hancock waxed indignant in the House of Commons and said that we should all be grateful that these companies had put so much effort into saving people’s lives. However, they have also made a few quid en route. We are apparently supposed not to mind that these profits have been made at the expense of Tim and Tilly Tosser the Taxpayers. Well, we do. We really, really, do.
Of course Boris Johnson’s November started to go tits up when he put enormous effort into trying to save Owen Paterson from censure, despite his being bang to rights for openly lobbying on behalf of companies who were paying him as a consultant. But this is a Government that regards the laws it makes as inapplicable to those who make the laws. We already know that Dominic Cummings was driving around the North East in order to test his eyesight at a time when people were discouraged from leaving their homes. And we also know that when Hancock, yes him again, was telling everybody to abstain from physical intimacy outside their household, he was giving one to his special advisor. And now we find out that when everyone else had their Christmas cancelled in 2020 and were unable to invite anyone to their home or have a party or visit their granny, people were coming in and out of Downing Street like a fiddler’s elbow and there were all manner of parties for 30 or 40 people in a small room with copious booze, food and games. Games! Ye Gods. Johnson has not answered questions about this and instead has simply repeated the mantra that all the rules were followed. Except that the rules forbade large gatherings, so that explanation is clearly a lie, like almost everything else that comes out of his mouth. Perhaps he should find a kind donor to pay the £10,000 that is the fine payable for breaking lockdown rules. It would be an awfully good investment for someone when they want to develop a business opportunity later on…
We start our review of the week’s fashion flops with Little Mix singer Leigh-Anne Pinnock wearing Tara Hakin at the premiere of a film in which she stars, Boxing Day.
Leigh-Anne gave birth to twins in August and so she is busy doing that post-baby-body thing that the tabloids are so obsessed by. As a result, she has taken a dress that is perfectly respectable from the front, and even has a high neck, only to give us very little at the back, leaving the impression of a bum-and-side-boob-baring bin-bag, while the pose makes her look as if she is trying to avoid a moment of incontinence.
The rest of our horrors come from the Albert Hall in London and the Fashion Awards 2021. Here is model Iris Law (daughter of Jude and ex-wife Sadie Frost) wearing Dilara Finikoglu.
Iris has taken the phrase ‘key to my heart’ literally in the tit department and has wrapped an old net curtain around her hips as a Minge Mask. As for those boots, they are the colour of diarrhoea.
And here is Iris’s brother, actor Rafferty Law, wearing Valentino.
If an Amish man had sex with a fishing net, this is what their lovechild would look like. And what on earth has happened around the ankles? The trousers are having a Mexican stand-off with the clumpy shoes, which look like giant mousetraps, and the white socks are an abomination.
This is designer of the year Simone Rocha, seen with her husband Eoin McLoughlin, wearing herself.
He looks like Bob from Twin Peaks and she is wearing her duvet. Funky shoes though….
Of course, we have actor Billy Porter wearing Richard Quinn. In fact all the remaining outfits are by Richard Quinn, who seems to be taking the piss….
It is a good job that Covid has stopped us hugging, because anyone trying to give Billy a cuddle would probably have an eye gouged out or their sleeve ripped as they try and navigate his shoulder. If Batman went to a fancy dress party as Cruella de Vil, this is what he would look like.
Here are that really annoying pair, actress Priyanka Chopra wearing Richard Quinn and her husband Nick Jonas.
She looks like an explosion in the John Lewis soft furnishing department, and, although he is fine from the ankles up, he seems to be wearing Tabi sneakers, the ones with the camel toe. In this case, red camel toe.
And finally, we have actor Tommy Dorfman (she/her) wearing Richard Quinn.
Here are WTF’s objections to this getup. First, it is very ugly with a number random pieces of fabric stitched together for a laugh. Second the trousers are both silly and too long. Third, her hair is unbrushed. And fourth, she has a look of the late Queen Mary, the one who was married to George V.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Sally from Totteridge in leafy North London who is annoyed about dick pics. Sally asks (with every justification) ‘Why would anyone consider sending a photo of their knob to anyone other than a consultant urologist? Because they are a knob’.
Sally continues ‘The idea that a man thinks that a woman will be impressed or turned on by a photo of his willy is SO misogynistic, it’s just laughable.Do men really think that women will be attracted to them by that alone? Even stud racehorses or dogs are not sold on the size of their willies. The only response that can be given to someone who does that is – WHAT A DICK!!’ She is right. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Send in your suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your very top comments. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x.
I like Queen Mary’s style, she was very of her time but her taste in diamonds is superb.
As for this week’s bunch of – erm – celebs, why do their people let them leave the house like that? Jude Law’s daughter looks like an extra in a Romano-based fantasy series, a bit like Game of Thrones matched with Carry on Cleo.
Apart from Queen Mary and of course the camel, this best-dressed of this week’s crop were the two Amish people. Not sure what that says about the standard of celeb ‘glamour’ these days.