WTF Brewery Special

Hallo Readers,

It is not just that this Government not organise the proverbial piss-up in a brewery. We already know this. But this lot would outsource the piss-up to an off-the-peg company registered in some sandy tax haven with no expertise in throwing parties. That company would order canapés that had gone off long before the date of the festivities and it would also book a widget factory instead of a brewery, which would anyway then be closed down by the authorities as non-Covid compliant, and probably riddled with asbestos to boot.

We have been here before. Remember Chris Grayling, an idiot masquerading as a Minister, who handed out a contract for ferries to a company with no ferries? Remember a shipment of 400,000 face masks from Turkey that turned out to be unfit for purpose and as much use as tits on a fish? And now we have fifty million masks bought for £160 million which have proved unusable because the design was wrong. But it gets worse. Much worse.

The company in question, Ayanda Capital, is registered in the tax haven of Mauritius. It has no experience in PPE procurement, not even of any kind. Had it had such experience, someone employed there might have noticed that the respirator marks, intended for doctors to protect them from catching Covid, had ear loops instead of head loops. which meant they could not be properly secured and so would not work. 

So Readers, how did an investment company come to get this contract at all? Well…. it turns out that the Secretary of State for International Trade, Liz Truss, a woman mounting a strong challenge to Grayling in the Ineptitude Stakes, has an adviser called Andrew Mills. Mills advises the Board of Trade, which Truss chairs. Mills approached the Government on behalf of his little £100 company, and got the contract, apparently on the basis that it had sole manufacturing rights in a Chinese factory. Mills then asked for the contract to be transferred to Ayanda, to which he was a senior board adviser, on the basis that it (Ayanda) ‘had more suitable banking infrastructure’. Mills also denies that his position at the Board of Trade had nothing whatsoever to do with the price of fish and how very dare anyone suggest it? 

So we have two companies with no experience off PPE procurement getting the nod from the Government for a ginormous contract, a crap product, £160 million of taxpayers’ money gone down the plughole, and doctors in the middle of the worst health crisis for a century left without the vital equipment they need. Boris Johnson is apparently ‘very disappointed’. Disappointed? Disappointed is when you can’t find a parking space and you are running late for the cinema. Disappointed is when your local corner shop has run out of tagliatelle. This is not disappointing. This is outrageous. Not to mention further evidence, not that evidence were needed, that Johnson and his administration are more useless that those containers of rubbish masks cluttering up a warehouse or two. 

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WTF is having a break for the rest of August, but our retrospective today is chosen by her and it is a doozy. We consider the fashion flotsam worn by the Hollywood Elite, starting in March 2013 with Faye Dunaway at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party.

The dress and cape were elegant but the hair and gloves made her look like Iggy Pop in Marigold washing up gloves.

In February 2014 Liza Minnelli went to the Oscars wearing vintage Halston.

As WTF remarked at the time, there comes a time in every woman’s life when she needs to wear a bra, and for Liza, that time was 2014 (and probably several decades before that). If a Smurf went to a fancy dress party wearing a satin bedsheet, this is what it would look like.

Whoopi Goldberg was also at the same ceremony, wearing who even knows what?

At first WTF wondered whether this meant to be a piss-take of Julia Roberts’ Dolce & Gabbana outfit at the Golden Globes that year, but this sailed past piss-take and docked in deranged, not least because of the striped socks and ‘I’m-Dorothy-come-here-Toto’ shoes.

January 2015 saw Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Elie Saab. 

This fell squarely into the category of ‘Call for the Canesten’. A pink onesie snuggling into the crotch is never a good idea. No wonder she looked manic – the poor love was obviously trying to take her mind off the minge pain.

This is November 2015 where we meet Johnny Depp and his then wife Amber Heard.That marriage worked out well, didn’t it?

Amber looked OK in a 70’s-boho sort of way, but what was Johnny wearing? Was he working as an extra in UnOrthodox? He even had the payot.

And in the same month we saw the wonderful Jane Fonda in THESE things.

If WTF looks even a fraction as good as this at the age of 77, she will be ecstatic, as well as very pleasantly surprised, given that Jane is as slim as a pencil. But these ruffled pants were deeply horrible and resembled a pair of Victorian drawers.

We are now in February 2016, where we come across Marion Cotillard at the Vanity Fair Oscars Party, wearing Giambattista Valli. 

Marion  had the good grace to look embarrassed, as well she might, This haute couture creation had a crushed disco-ball top and a slumbering -sheep skirt. There was also a black thing, the purpose of which WTF could not fathom, and a table napkin tucked into the waistband, perhaps in readiness for a particularly crumbly canapé.

In November 2017 Jared Leto went to the MTV Music Awards (he also plays in a band), wearing Gucci.

Like a paint chart of puke-making pastels. And that flower was really, really, stupid.

We are now in October 2018 where we find Sarah Paulson wearing Calvin Klein.

There was a trompe l’oeil man’s head nestling on her breasts and a rubber incontinence mattress lining. and wings on her ankles like Mercury, presumably so that she could fly away at the earliest opportunity.

In January 2019 Anne Hathaway went to the Golden Globes, wearing Elie Saab.

Apart from the annoying Angelina pose, which WTF hates almost all things, Anne resembled the lovechild of a cheetah and Russell Crowe in Gladiator. WTF was not entertained. 

And finally we are in May 2019 with Sylvester Stallone.

Seriously? His face was more full of plastic than a landfill site and he was wearing CREAM SLACKS with a blue dinner jacket, a white shirt and hanky and black shoes and a black bow tie. Was he moonlighting as a cruise director on Love Boat?

 

And so we come to the winner of the Summer Stinker Poll 2020. It is…..

DRUMROLL…..

LIZZO!!!!!

It was neck and neck all the way between her and alleged singer  Ricky Rebel but in the end, Lizzo triumphed with celebritee Lauren Goodger well behind  in third place.

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This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Yosra from Giza in Eyypt, who has taken against these fowl (see what I did there?) Kentucky Fried Crocs. Yes. Really. 

Those nuggets on the top, like crispy penises, SMELL OF FRIED CHICKEN!!!  It gets worse. “Combining the unmistakable look of our world-famous fried chicken and signature KFC bucket with the unparalleled comfort and style of Crocs, these shoes are what fried chicken footwear dreams are made of,” says KFC US. Who are the people dreaming of  fried chicken footwear? THEY NEED MEDICAL HELP.  STAT. They -and these Crocs, and indeed all Crocs – Have Got To Go.

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OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. WTF is giving herself and you a summer break and will be back on Friday 4 September. Have a good August, be good, be careful, and wash your hands. x

 
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2 Responses to WTF Brewery Special

  1. Lottie says:

    Sorry, but the woman with Johnny Depp is Amber Rose, who is a model slash actress, not Amber Heard, who is not. You can tell which is which because Amber Heard has blond hair and a maniacal glint in the eyes.

  2. quixote says:

    Yikes. Another collection of nightmares. You’re either a genius at finding them or the fashion world is hideous beyond belief. I’m afraid to go look to find out.

    A holiday is definitely in order. Enjoy yourself! Well, as much as is possible and prudent under current circumstances. Me too!

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