So how is your lockdown going? If you have a partner, are you planning on consulting a solicitor the moment the siren blows and we can all venture outdoors again? Are you fantasising about putting the kids up for adoption? Are you dreaming of an omelette or freshly baked bread? Are you fed up with climbing over your loo-roll mountain every time you go into the garage? It is like being retired without the benefits of your free bus pass and cheap cinema tickets.
This may be a war but this is not like the Blitz. In full knowledge that a bomb could blow you and yours to smithereens any second, people went out and about and savoured the moment. They got married, they had sex, they went to the pub, and they went to see films and plays and musicals and concerts. But none of those options are available (except the sex, and even then your options are very limited). You are stuck indoors, apart from terrified trips to the shops in search of foodstuffs, distilled almost to jelly with the act of fear when anyone encroaches into your personal six-feet exclusion zone, ears cocked for every cough and sniffle and body stiffened against a potential droplet of sputum heading your way, And it is not like the Blitz, because then you knew who the enemy was, and you could hate the enemy and claim the moral high ground. And, at least after 1940, you had a leader in whom you could trust, both on this side of the Atlantic and the other side. Sixty years later, your enemy is a virus and your leaders are idiots who have misjudged this every step of the way, failed to prepare for what was coming, and left us all in danger. They put the Market above our health and safety, until they realised that they would not be allowed to get away with it. They talked down the threat of the virus and let us all go out and mingle, with disastrous results. They failed to buy in the equipment necessary to protect our medical staff and to save our lives. They talked endlessly of testing, but failed to provide enough for those who need it. They are fighting a war without giving their troops the necessary equipment. They are downright bloody useless, and the result is that the anger and resentment a previous generation directed at Hitler, Mussolini and Hirohito is rewound endlessly on TV and social media and directed at the people who are supposed to be rescuing us, either because they didn’t rescue us soon enough or because their rescuing us is imperilling someone’s share portfolio. In the First World War, the incompetence of the generals caused people to say that Lions Led By Donkeys. Today, with doctors recycling their masks and going down like ninepins, Heroes Led By Dimwits. We can wash our hands as often as we like, but sadly we cannot wash our hands of them.
Stay safe everyone.
You may have noticed, no one is going out, unless it is to go to score eggs at the supermarket, go down the off licence, or pop into the COVID-19 centre. So WTF has decided to take a different path, and to consider the sartorial history of many of our regular celebrities over the years that she has been taking the piss out of celebrity fashion. If you would like to nominate a celebrity for next week, feel free to comment below or to tweet @WTF_EEK. To kick off, we have one of our most regular regulars, Rita Ora, with seven years’ worth of horror to keep you entertained. We begin in July 2013 with our heroine in concert at London wearing Ashish.
Rita has a great body. We know this because we have seen more of it than Rita’s personal physician, boyfriends and masseuse combined. But was it really necessary for her to flash her bra? Meanwhile, those “jeans” are what would happen if DJ Khalid had sex with a glossy downpipe.
Here we are in June 2014 with Rita wearing Jaime Lee,
En route to whichever Red Carpet event this was, Rita’s limousine ran over a swan, whereupon she scooped up the remains of the roadkill and wrapped it around herself so as to lessen the effect of the Minge Moment.
Here’s Rita in London in October 2015 at a recording of The X Factor, wearing Emmanual Ungaro.
Those boot are the pits, like elaborately decorated tent poles at a posh marquee wedding.
January 2016 saw Rita in Paris for fashion week, wearing Versace.
Nowadays we all recognise that shade of orange as Trump Visage – in those halcyon days, we had no idea what was coming at us. We had more difficulty in getting our heads around this getup, which was essentially what Wilma Flintstone would have worn at a Bedrock S&M club.
We are now in July 2016 with Rita wearing Philipp Plein.
Wearing is perhaps a trifle inaccurate, but it gives WTF a chance to repeat one of her favourite maxims, namely that if you have to hold your hand over your minge when disembarking, there is something wrong with your dress. And with you for wearing it.
In October 2017, Rita appeared at the BBC Radio 1 Teen Awards in London, wearing Burberry.
This is about the silliest outfit Burberry ever produced, as if Just William were to go designer shopping. Football hooligans various used to wear Burberry before it went poncy and this is exactly what they used to look like.
At the end of that year, November 2017 to be exact, Rita went to the MTV EMA Awards in London, wearing Palomo Spain.
WTF was firm on this point at the time, and she still is. This was a bathrobe. It was a very nice bathrobe. But it was a bathrobe. A bathrobe worn with sparkling stilettos and a rather fine diamond necklace was still a bathrobe. One can but be grateful that she was wearing panties.
Here we are in August 2018 in London with Rita wearing Koché.
WTF does not even know what this was supposed to be. At the time she thought Rita was wearing an Arsenal shirt, but it wasn’t, it was (as WTF aficionado Norman points out), a Paris St Germain shirt. Whatever it was, it looked like someone threw up over her, and with good reason, because this is positively emetic.
September 2019 saw Rita at Milan Fashion Week attending the amFAR Gala, wearing Prada.
If a white dragon went to a fancy dress party as Caspar the Friendly Ghost, this is what it would look like.
A month later, in October 2019, she appeared in this thing.
Frankly, there is always a problem when there is more material in your boots than in your dress. This appears to be a child’s shiny romper suit with a double side helping of side boob and some ugly-looking tattoos.
Our last selection is Rita in December 2019 at the Capital Radio Jingle Bell Ball in London, wearing Guy Laroche.
Is she about to have a C-section? This combines pretty much everything WTF dislikes – peekaboo, bellybutton, toeless boots and one sleeve on a two-armed person. And extra minus points for the turd topknot.
This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Jen from London, who has taken exception to these clear plastic men’s swim shorts.
No, sorry, this is getting out of hand. Many WTF Readers are still recovering from Bobby Norris and his thing in a thong, aka the cock sock, but at least his thing was covered up. Just think what would happen if someone decided to dispense with the under garment. We can all agree that It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments, which gladden WTF’s heart, and your excellent suggestions It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good AND WASH YOUR HANDS. x