Hallo Readers,

As Lady Bracknell might have remarked, ‘to have one lawyer involved in major dodginess may be regarded as a misfortune. To have two looks like carelessness’. In which case, it seems that Donald J Trump has been monumentally careless. His former personal lawyer, Michael Cohen, is in jail for all manner of jiggery-pokery, including breaching election law by paying off popsies claiming to have dallied with Trump, lying his head off to Congress, and failing to pay his taxes. His present personal lawyer, pop-eyed, madder-than-a-box-of-frogs, Rudy Giuliani started off life as a top prosecutor and was then Mayor of New York, but is now dodgier than a dodgy dodger with dodginess issues. Rudy is neck-deep in Ukrainian doo-doo, having acted on behalf of his client Trump, and various other shysters clients including Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman, both currently under indictment for making iffy campaign contributions. As far as the Ukraine scandal is concerned, Parnas is mixed up in whatever Giuliani is mixed up in, acting on Trump’s behalf to get rid of people fighting corruption, including the then Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch, and assisting Trump’s plan to pressure the new President by withholding millions in military aid until he agreed to announce an investigation into Trump’s probable 2020 Presidential rival, former Vice President Joe Biden and Biden’s son Hunter. Parnas now says that Trump knew all about everything. Trump claims he does not even know Parnas, although Parnas has photos galore showing him cuddling up to Trump. But then Trump often claims not to know people. There will come a time when he will claim not to know Giuliani. Or Jared and Ivanka. Or even his own name.

Here’s the thing. Many people come into contact with one or more dodgy types, even if they themselves are not. But it is increasingly difficult to find any of Trump’s contacts who are not dodgy. His address book is like a Who’s Who’s in Sing-Sing. Aides and advisers are in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office. And many of the ones who are not in jail, awaiting sentencing, in disgrace, or out of office are no better. No one, not even Job, could be so unlucky as to hook up with so many deeply unsavoury characters who end up losing their ‘Get out of Jail’ cards. He surrounds himself with shysters because he is one. It is the only language he can understand.

Meanwhile, Secretary of State Mike Pompeo purports to be a devout Christian, as does Vice President Mike Pence. Nevertheless, their obligations as Christians are outweighed by their desire to have a crack at the top job in 2024. And so it is that Pompeo has not lifted a finger to help Yovanovitch,  or said one word to her or in her support, despite the fact that she was targeted for removal from the Ukraine, and possibly from everywhere, that she was called home in a hurry out of concern for her personal safety, and that she has been slandered, abused (principally by Trump) and ridiculed for having the temerity to want to serve her country and to do her job, even if it inconvenienced whatever crooked plan Giuliani, Parnas and Trump were pursuing. Mike P and Mike P, Christian is as Christian does. There is more to it than just outlawing abortion and opposing gay marriage. Try being decent human beings and see how you get on…..

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We start the review of the week’s sartorial stupidity with Presidential daughter-in-law Lara Trump, seen with her idiot husband, Eric Trump.

This is from New Year’s Eve at Mar A Largo, but hitherto there has been no opportunity to feature it. Eric is the quintessence of gormlessness, while Lara resembles a quirky seashell with a face more frozen than Princess Elsa.

It seems that actress Salma Hayek cannot keep out of this blog. Here she is, wearing Gucci.

There are a lot of checks here and none of them match. The only check Salma should have done is to have looked in the mirror before she left home. She is married to the bloke who owns Gucci, yet she always manages to pick the runt of the haute couture litter. 

The bulk of the rest of this week’s horrors come from the Critics’ Choice Awards in Hollywood last Sunday. We start with producer Janet Mock, wearing Valentino.

The colour is good. But it is a designer sack, and what the fuck are those gloves? She looks like she is about to shove her hand up a cow’s arse.

Singer Keltie Knight, wearing Giambattista Valli x H&M.

 If a pixie went to a fancy dress party dressed as a peach soufflé, this is what she would look like. And there is also very serious foot blotch.

This is The Marvelous Mrs Maisel actress, Rachel Brosnahan, wearing Carolina Herrera.

Mrs Maisel would never have worn this because it is horrid, not to mention unflattering. WTF is also concerned that whoever did Rachel’s makeup must have had a serious grudge against her because she bears a close resemblance to someone recently  exhumed.

Now we have singer Zendaya Coleman, wearing Tom Ford.

She is wearing magenta tit armour. When did tit armour suddenly become a thing? Gwyneth Paltrow was wearing something similar the other day on the cover of a glossy magazine. Frankly, it is downright unnerving, and the matching skirt does not match and looks tawdry. 

Yes, it’s him again. WTF speaks of actor Billy Porter, wearing Hogan McLaughlin.

It is getting to the stage where Billy is only going to make any real impact if he comes dressed in a DJ, like everyone else. The top of his jumpsuit looks like a chair back.

Meanwhile, the transfers suggest he is being attacked by a flock of mutant butterflies in some sci-fi blockbuster.

Finally, we leave the Critics’ Choice for an absolute shocker on Z lister-supreme Lauren Goodger wearing, and WTF uses the word loosely, I SAW IT FIRST (sic).

WARNING – THIS IS VERY BAD!!!!!

AND HERE IS ANOTHER WARNING TO GO WITH THE FIRST WARNING!!!!

Never mind I SAW IT FIRST. WTF wishes that she had never seen it at all. What we have here are a couple of overripe melons tumbling out of a string bag. Yurgle.

This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado Honsa from West London who is appalled, and then appalled some more, by the latest nonsense from Gwyneth Paltrow’s lifestyle website, Goop. It is a scented candle, costing $58. Which allegedly smells like her vagina.

 

Gwyneth has form for minge-related moments. Who can forget her championing of vaginal steaming? Not to mention her flogging vaginal jade eggs which apparently did all sorts of soothing things for your lady areas, except that it turned out that they didn’t, and Goop was fined $145,000 under Californian law. Given her Goopy history, who can say what Gwyneth has inserted into her vagina, but this candle whiffs of ‘geranium, citrusy bergamot, and cedar absolutes, juxtaposed with damask rose and ambrette seed’. Here’s the conundrum. How do we know whether Gwyneth does smell like this? It – and she – Has Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which will bring cheer to WTF in these almost-Brexit times, and please don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x