WTF Steam Clean Special

Hallo Readers,

The insufferable Gwyneth Paltrow has an equally insufferable website called Goop in which she tells you how to live your life just like Gwyneth Paltrow.  You can eat her macrobiotic recipes, doing 100 different things with a mung bean, you can compile her seasonal capsule wardrobe (that is, if you have $30,000 handy) and now you can have your vagina steam cleaned. Gwyneth is a devotee of the Mugwort V Steam (not to be confused with the Hoover Dual V Steam Cleaner, which is quite a different experience). The Mugwort V Steam is a procedure offered by the Tikkun Spa in California, the State where looney tunes are as common as anorexics. You sit on a mini-throne with a hole in it  (pictured below) whilst infra-red rays and Mugwort-infused steam are blown up your minge, only $50 for 30 minutes. Gywneth says that it is “energising”. WTF says it is yet another example of women being made to feel that their bodies are inherently dirty and malodorous, the same nonsense that gave us the vaginal deodorant. (You never see a dick deodorant in Boots, do you? If you did, it would be called “Cock Sure”). And do not even get WTF started on the various religions that deem menstruation to be “unclean”. Tikkun Spa also offers an A Steam for gentlemen, which was  developed for the Emperor of China and claims to soothe haemorrhoids, assist in anal cleansing, increase energy and enhance general health. The technical term for all this, by the way, is “bollocks”.

v steam

Medical experts fell over themselves to pour cold water on the process. The vagina and the rectum are already at the optimum temperature of 37 degrees. Steam has no effect whatsoever on your hormones and is dehydrating, not energising. The whole thing is like putting in a herb-infused order for thrush. WTF is reminded of the story of fabulous  film director Billy Wilder who went to Paris in the 50’s and received a request from his wife to buy a bidet. Wilder cabled back “Unable obtain bidet. Suggest handstand in shower”. Similarly, WTF suggests that you save yourself the airfare to LA and just squat (gingerly) over a large saucepan of hot water infused with mugwort alongside an infra-red pain-relief device from Amazon. Or you could just buy some soap. 

We start the review of the week’s sartorial shockers with Anne Hathaway wearing Solace London.

anne

Anne is wearing a fuschia sack. That is all.

We progress to the 87th Academy Awards Nominees’ Lunch and two super-stinkers from Raf Simons, the man at Dior. The late M Dior must be turning in his grave at the overpriced tat now being manufactured in his name. First, it gives WTF no pleasure to bring you the marvellous Marion Cotillard.

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Marion is beautiful but this is dreadful, too short and emblazoned, for reasons one cannot even begin to guess at, with what looks like an avocado. Is Dior sponsored by the Fruit and Vegetable Marketing Board? Because WTF really does not want five of these a day… 

And then there was our own Bournville beauty,  Felicity Jones.

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She used to be in the radio serial The Archers. Now look at her. As WTF aficionado Leslie wisely points out, the green thing looks like the sort of apron favoured by serial killers who are about to reduce their victims to manageable lumps with a chain saw. And he is not wrong. 

Please meet NFL star Antonio Brown at the NFL Honors ceremony. 

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You always have to worry about someone who cannot even stand on the spot marked X but you really do have to worry about a man dressed in a shit-coloured damask tablecloth.

We now contemplate habitual offender, actress Rose McGowan wearing Jean-Paul Gaultier at his Paris Fashion Week show.

rose gaultier

And if you think that’s bad, clock the close-up of the chest….

rose 2

She is wearing tit curtains and they are really, really bad. And the tulle bits are covered with evil-looking faces. Although maybe they were smiling until they caught a glimpse of Rose in the mirror.

Zipping across the Globe to sunny Sydney, we meet a newcomer to these pages, preposterous fashion designer Gary Bigeni at the David Jones Fashion Launch. Brace yourselves…

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There is quirky. And there is clownish. All he needs is a red nose and a bow tie that squirts water in your eye.

Next we have Bai Ling, runaway winner of the WTF Christmas Turkey 2014, at Los Angeles Airport.

bai ling lax

Yes, you read that correctly. This is what she wore whilst going through the airport. WTF did not know whether she was coming or going on viewing this ensemble. And given that you have to traipse for miles along endless corridors to get to and from the Gate, her feet must have been killing her. Perhaps she hitched a lift on that beeping motorised vehicle kept on hand for pensioners and the disabled.

Finally, here is one of our regulars, Lizzie Cundy, with the worst case of camel toe WTF has seen for a while…

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Yikes! WTF is a battle-hardened old baggage when it comes to sartorial shockers but on seeing this she emitted a shriek and kept on shrieking. There is more gynaecological detail than on an obstetricians’ training day. Where was her mirror? Where were her friends and family to tell her not to venture forth like this and restraining her with stun guns?  It is time for Lizzie to stay indoors.

This week’s It’s Got To Go was suggested by WTF aficionado Tally who has taken exception to television advertisements for online betting. Tally correctly points out that they play on the susceptibilities of the weak-minded and the addicted, offering “free money” to those signing up.  You are not allowed to advertise the first free hit of coke are you? This is bad enough but viewers are also treated (on Sky Sports anyway) to the rasping tones of cockney geezer supreme Ray Winstone. Admittedly this is the only occasion when you can listen to him without hearing the word ‘fuck’ every 20 seconds but even so…

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of top comments last week which made WTF’s heart sing like anything as well as some excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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5 Responses to WTF Steam Clean Special

  1. Laura says:

    It appears that WTF missed the article in the DailyFail about the “Vagacial”. It really works the 41 year old cougar is proud to say that many young men have told her that she has the vagina of a 25 year old. Not only that but “74-year-old cougar gets live ‘vagacial’ on This Morning”. I have never been so happy not to have a t.v. Horrible horrible fashion disasters this week with excellent commentary, WTF Fashion Shark is on top form.

  2. fashionshark says:

    I am very glad to have missed it. Although I did feature Brandi Glanville at the Oscars last year when she proudly announced that she had had her vagina tightened using her ex-husband’s credit card (he had run off with Le Ann Rimes) with the epic words “Eddie ruined my vagina and so I thought he could pay for a new one”

  3. Pamela Timms says:

    I think you’re onto something with the ‘Cocksure’. TM immediately!

  4. Sally says:

    Sorry, have I missed the ‘social’ aspect of the Mugwort V Steam – you sit next to someone else !!!!!
    Or it supposed to be a lovely couples spa day out?????!!!! No. Don’t. Get out. Leave it.

  5. Sarah Denby says:

    Well, this was a treat on many levels. I, too, am heartily sick of Gwyneth “sharing” all her “how to be perfect like me” stuff. Vaginal steam baths? Yuk. Naming your kids Apple and Moses???? Double yuck (like being kids of famous people isn’t hard enough…) Then on to the “fashion”–didn’t the House of Dior used to be lovely and glamorous and every woman wanted one of the gowns? No longer. Then we have Rose with waaaaay to much underboss, especially for someone her age (where’s Marilyn’s subway vent when you need it???), and Lizzie with the camel toe: it not only looks gross, it must be very uncomfortable! Keep up the good work…

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