As I have previously mentioned, WTF’s late father used to pose the question ‘why would a man voluntarily dip his head in a bucket of shit’? This week, His Royal Highness Prince Andrew not only dipped his head in a bucket of shit, he then kept the bucket on his head and wore it as a hat. For an hour. On television. And because, like Pooh, he is a Bear of very little Brain, he seemed to be surprised when his almost-subjects, with a few excruciating exceptions (like his ex wife, freeloader Fergie, Duchess of York, and professional prat Toby Young, who opined that he might have become a child sex offender had he not married his wife, who would not have approved), crawled out from behind their sofas where they had been hiding during the broadcast with their hands over their ears shouting ‘la la la, please, please, stop’, and holding their noses to avoid the stench. As a way of committing PR suicide, HRH’s choice is to be recommended only for masochists who like to drag things out while making sure that they are really, really, dead at the end of it. So on Saturday HRH was in receipt of £250K a year from the Royal Purse, and busy with patronages and jaunts abroad and all sorts, and by the middle of the week, he had been persuaded to step away from Royal duties, give up the stipend, and keep out of sight.
The reason for this plunge from grace was HRH’s failure to explain why he had (a) been friendly with notorious paedophile Jeffrey Epstein (b) why he had never noticed Epstein’s homes full to the brim with underage girls (c) why, after Epstein went to prison and was released for child sex offences, HRH had gone to stay in his luxurious Manhattan townhouse ostensibly to say goodbye – for four days, (d) why a young woman called Virginia Roberts was alleging that she had been made to have sex with him and (e) if he had never met her, as he claimed, why was he pictured with his arm around her? Suffice it to say that his explanations were on the unsatisfactory side of downright unbelievable. No one likes a nonce and no one likes a nonce’s friend, particularly when that friend describes the nonce’s conduct as ‘unbecoming’, as if he had worn the wrong tie, and fails to express any empathy for the victims.
Here is the problem that has been troubling WTF all week. This unattractive, arrogant, pompous, dullard, who still inhabits a world where absolute monarchy remains absolute, and deference is his due, is apparently the Queen’s favourite. Imagine just how miffed you would be as one of HM’s three other children, and this buffoon is preferred over you. The only consolation is that when his daughter, Princess Beatrice, gets married next year, it will probably be a somewhat lower key affair than the marriage of her younger sister Princess Eugenie, when her father insisted that the wedding be just as grand as that of Harry and Meghan, and the public had to stump up bigly as a result.
We start out review of the week’s clothing catastrophes in London with celebritee Talia Storm, wearing For Love and Lemons.
If Tina Turner were plugged into the mains, this is what she would look like. Those boots are NOT made for walking. That dress is not made for wearing. And the eye makeup makes her look as if she has been punched.
Next up, we have singer Camila Cabello, wearing Alexander McQueen.
More boots. Is it International Boots week? Or is the lovely Camila fresh from rehearsing Dick Whittington for the Christmas pant0? All she needs is a tricorn. And a pussycat.
What would this blog be without Heidi Klum? She is as reliable and regular as a massive dose of Exlax. Here she is with her go-to designer, Minge Maestro Julien Macdonald.
Look, WTF is all in favour of recycling, and we all waste our resources, but she is as yet unconvinced that crafting a couture frock out of shredded paper is the way to save the planet, particuarly when teamed with big white knickers like Bridget Jones on a fat day.
We are back in London where we encounter TOWIE celebritee Chloe Sims, wearing House of CB.
Chloe has spent so many years interfering with the workings of Nature that it is often difficult to spot an original working part. Certainly, those tits do not qualify, which are so shiny and so smooth that one could imagine that Phil and Grant Michell off EastEnders are half-hiding behind a low-slung awning.
And now three shockers from the premiere of the new movie Queen and Slim, starting with actress Tracee Ellis Ross, wearing JW Anderson.
There are times when you want to avoid a Minge Moment and look a bit covered up, particularly in chilly weather. But there is oversized and there is preposterous, and this left preposterous several miles back down the road and is currently parked at ‘are you taking the piss?’. And that is without taking the tit ribbons into account. JW Anderson appears to have been inspired by David Byrne from his Talking Heads heyday.
Meet actress and singer Melanie Halfkenny wearing who can even say what this is?
Here is the quintessence of almost everything WTF hates in one shapely package, from the pink turds on Melanie’s head to the lack of anything that could actually be described as clothes, to the leg tattoos, to the stupid things on her feet. It is as if Tinkerbell had emerged from the chrysalis of a green shower-puff.
And finally, here is the director of the movie, Melina Matsoukas. Who knows what this is either?
It’s certainly unusual. But then so would someone covered in slurry. It would still stink and this outfit is a stinkeroony. Melina looks like a medieval minstrel who has angered the monarch and had his entrails ripped out and exposed for public delectation.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF, who has had enough of the gruesome twosome of the Impeachment Hearings, Congressmen Jim Jordan of Ohio (left) and Devin Nunes of California.
Jordan used to be a wrestling coach and seems not to own a jacket, doubtless the better for us to admire the outline of his manly arms. Sadly, he may have been a champion wrestler, but he has a losing personality, sneery, shouty and sneaky. Nunes used to be a dairy farmer and is downright dim, but with such a sense of his own importance that he is actually suing Twitter for allowing a fake account called @DevinNunesCow, on the grounds that it makes him look stupid. He could only aspire to the wit of one of those fake udders. Both conducted the Hearings on the basis that none of the evidence was remotely relevant to anything they had to say, and were so obnoxious that WTF could barely restrain herself from throwing things at the TV screen. They’ve Got To Go. Both of them.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your comments, which put a spring into WTF’s wearied step, and please don’t forget your scintillating suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x
Seems to me that the Queen decided that this week’s ‘It’s Got to Go’ was in fact Prince Andrew himself and who could disagree with her? Unless of course he’s roasted as the Xmas Turkey…