This week, there has been one question on everyone’s lips. What the fuck is going on? Donald Trump spent the week performing more reverse backflips than the Moscow State Circus, maintaining that he didn’t say what the Fake News Media said he did, and we all saw and heard him say, but if he did say it, he didn’t mean it, and when he said ‘would’, what he meant was ‘wouldn’t’, and it was obvious what he had meant, and everyone knew what he had meant, and anyone who said they hadn’t known what he meant was a liar and an enemy of the people. From which we are to understand that Russia did not meddle with the election, even though the Intelligence Services were all agreed that it did, and he has complete faith in his Intelligence Services and agreed with them that Russia did meddle, although maybe others had meddled, because there are a lot of people out there who also could have meddled, and anyway Putin was very convincing when he said that he didn’t meddle, but he still fully supports his Intelligence Services, and this is all down to the Fake News Media, and anyway what about Hillary’s emails? Perhaps when he said ‘I do’ to Ivana, and then to Marla, and then to Melania, what he meant was ‘I don’t’ and so he was never really married to any of them. Divorce lawyers, take note. Furthermore, when his Press Secretary said that he and Putin had discussed the possibility of letting Russia ‘question’ Mike McFaul, Obama’s former Ambassador to Russia, and Bill Browder, a prominent Putin critic, for purported crimes, that Trump was considering the request and that she would let them know what he decided when he had decided it, what she really meant was that it was never going to happen and Trump had never been in favour of such a thing. The fact that the Senate voted 98-0 yesterday to forbid US citizens being extradited for such a purpose, was, of course, a sheer coincidence.
What is happening is not just farcical, it is frightening. Frightening that the US President is either so stupid that he thinks he can handle Putin without any preparation or that he is totally beholden. Frightening that he attacks his allies, whom he describes as ‘foes’, whilst siding with Putin, whom he describes as a ‘competitor’. Frightening that he meets Putin with only interpreters present and no -one, including his own advisers, know what was said. Frightening that an overwhelming majority of registered Republicans think that he did a good job in Helsinki. Frightening that a large number of Americans either don’t know that he lies all the time or that they don’t care, or that, like when the no-goodnik boyfriend your friends warned you about turns out to be worse than they predicted, they stick with him anyway because they cannot bear to acknowledge that they backed a loser. Frightening that last night he invited Putin to the White House without consulting Dan Coats, the Director of National Intelligence, who first learned of it whilst being interviewed live on TV. Frightening that this mendacious, ignorant, lazy, arrogant, cunning, gas-lighting, compromised, oaf is able carry on in office, supported by a craven Congress and a pack of secretive, neo-Con billionaires feathering their nests. Please, God, make it stop.
Last week’s fashion follies were sparse, but this week is a corker of crapulence. First up is model and WTF regular Heidi Klum, wearing Greta Constantine.
Heidi has been gift-wrapped, with a side order of tits and massive shoulders last seen on Linda Evans as Krystle Carrington in the 1980s TV series Dynasty. Dismal.
Meet model, actress and fashion blogger Rachel McCord, wearing a Dvonne top and ‘skirt’ and Novosel Savic leather shorts.
The skirt is basically a plastic umbrella with the spokes removed. The top is a silvery mesh boob-bib, displaying not so much side-boob as boob-boob, a veritable accident waiting to happen.
Next, we have singer Rita Ora wearing who knows what?
Rita’s hair make her look like a Afghan hound with lipstick and that yellow thing over her bra resembles an undersized doggie lifejacket. Woof.
This is Queer Eye star Jonathan van Ness, wearing dungarees and appalling Chanel bootees.
The dungarees with a flash of torso are bad enough, an uber-gay remake of ‘Of Mice and Men’ but the perspex Chanel bootees, like a couple of white-tipped, high-heeled, condoms, passeth all understanding.
Yes, it’s celebritee Kim Kardashian again, this time wearing a 1992 vintage D&G Blazer dress.
This was meant to be a mini dress but there was not enough material to encompass Kim’s fake bum and to cover her crotch. Luckily, she has her usual lycra cycle shorts on. She wears them so often that WTF is starting to wonder whether they are not in reality a disguised truss. Kim’s boobs are about to make a break for the border, like Steve McQueen on his motorbike in The Great Escape.
And now a quintet of queasiness from the ESPYS Sports Awards. The first four are American footballers, the fifth is a basketball player, and they all look ridiculous. First, New York Giants’ Odell Beckham Jr wearing Versace.
Odell and Rita clearly share the same hairdresser. He seems to have wandered onto the Red Carpet in his shorty pyjamas, and it is a wonder that he can hold his head up with the weight of that bling around his neck.
Next, we have Pittsburgh Steelers’ JuJu Smith-Schuster.
The wonky bow tie is reason enough for inclusion, but there is the half and half tartan suit, as if two of him have been cut in half and re-assembled, not to mention the monogrammed velvet loafers.
Now we have Philadelphia Eagles’ Jalen Mills.
WTF laughed out loud on seeing this red three-piece suit sans shirt with too-short trousers and poncy, matchy-matchy trainers. He also seems to have a dead frog on his head.
There must be something in the water in Philadelphia. Here is Jalen’s teammate Rodney McLeod.
Is there a bye-law in Philadelphia prohibiting wearing shirts with suits? If so, it should be struck down as unconstitutional. and the same goes for the sparkly boots. Meanwhile, those trousers can be best be described as ‘snug’.
And finally, LA Lakers’ JaVale McGee wearing a flowery suit and a Gucci fannypack.
The suit is silly and his trousers have had a stand-up row with his ankles. As for the bag, WTF wholly concurs with the tweet from a JaVale fan observing, ‘I get that it’s Gucci or whatever but do you really gotta put that shit on your waist n all, u could’ve just left it in the car or some shit. That’s why they got Pockets for that stuff’.
To Paris, and actress Angela Bassett at the première of Mission Impossible, wearing Naeem Khan.
Angela is dressed as an inter-galactic cobweb with very squished tits; that metallic décolletage operates like a couture bacon slicer. Meanwhile, it is one thing to glimpse Angela’s black lingerie beneath the cobweb. It is quite another to have it fully exposed (on both sides), whether as a result of zipper failure or artifice, WTF cannot say.
Finally, WTF aficionado Martyn, an enraged Scot, was rightly appalled by Lewis Hamilton’s kilt on the cover of August’s GQ, designed by Tommy Hilfiger, for whom Lewis is a ‘roving ambassador’.
This was worn as a purported apology to Lewis’s toddler nephew, whom he slagged off on Twitter last December for wearing a dress. Not only was public obloquy poured upon him, but he also leapt to the top of the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey 2017 Poll, winning by a wide margin. Here he is, the lovechild of a patchwork quilt and a fucking idiot.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from another WTF aficionado, Goody Bishop, who sent in these revolting pictures of duct tape as bikinis. Easy now. This is BAD.
How painful must it be to remove duct tape from your minge? Ouch! Every time you do this is like undergoing a full Brazilian. And how do you cover your bum? It’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x