Hallo Readers And Happy New Year,
Size matters, and it certainly matters a lot to Donald J Trump. He is 6’2″(and almost as wide as he is tall – he has, in the words of WTF’s late mother, gone double). He has silly little hands, seemingly transplanted from someone else’s littler body. During the primaries, he attacked his rival Senator Marco Rubio for having the temerity to be only 5’7″and called him “little Marco”. Rubio retaliated by teasing Trump about his tiny digits. Trump assured his voters that there was no correlation between his hands and his todger, “I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee.” 5′ 7″ is clearly just unacceptable to him – he did not appoint Senator Bob Corker as Secretary of State because he deemed him too short for such high office. Everything about Trump is always bigger and better – the biggest crowd EVER at his inauguration (it wasn’t); the biggest tax cuts EVER (they weren’t); more bills passed in his first year than any President EVER (they weren’t); the safest year in US civil aviation EVER (it wasn’t). He is either a liar, deluded or demented or all three but Trump has set several records. His approval ratings are the worst EVER. And he is without question the biggest knob to occupy the White House EVER. Whatever the size of his appendage.
This week Trump taunted Kim Jong-Un, who had boasted about the nuclear button “on my desk at all times”. Trump tweeted, “Will someone from his depleted and food starved regime please inform him that I too have a Nuclear Button, but it is a much bigger & more powerful one than his, and my Button works!” Ooh, er, missus! It was like being being trapped in an episode of The Benny Hill Show directed by Quentin Tarantino. In fact, Trump does not have an actual nuclear button but the response was puerile and downright dangerous. Kim Jong-Un is more unstable than a three-legged dog whilst Trump is daily becoming more unhinged and his mood unlikely to improve. On top of Mueller, there is also Michael Wolff’s book Fire and Fury, much of which is based on information from Trump’s former adviser Steve Bannon who was settling scores with a vengeance. The book depicts Trump as a demented, burger-eating, TV-obsessed, paranoid slob, like Captain Queeg with bad hair. Bannon did not confine himself to anecdotes about Trump but also took aim at the dismal husband and wife combo, nepotism made flesh, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner, as well as the idiot Donald Jr, whose arrest and perp walk of shame is awaited by all right-thinking people. And then there is the absence of the invitation to Harry and Meghan’s wedding, although the Obamas will probably receive one. All this will make him madder than a wet hen with mental health issues and when he is in that mood, he takes to Twitter to goad his enemies, including North Korea. Who knows what could happen? If we are all to perish, please let it not be because two fat madmen are engaged in a willy-waggling contest and because a suave black couple will be feasting on the canapés and champagne instead of a ghastly white couple.
Our review of the Christmas period’s sartorial shockers starts with the self-same Donald Trump and his spouse Melania enjoying the New Year’s Eve festivities at Mar-a-Lago, his private club in Florida. She is wearing a $5,500 dress by Erdem. Tickets were $750 a head ($600 for members, but membership is now $200,000 a year, the fees having gone up from £100,000 a year since Trump was elected). Keep on draining that swamp, Mr President….
POTUS is as orange as a jar of marmalade whilst his ridiculous tresses have been tweaked and super-glued into the shape of a peaked cap. FLOTUS, who has the dead-eyed, rictus smile of the truly miserable, looks like a foil-wrapped Christmas bunny and has either had new breast implants or has slipped a couple of airbags under the dress because she is more upholstered than an over-stuffed sofa.
Now we have heiress Paris Hilton, wearing German designer Namilia.
A pink velour motocross outfit is just silly, like putting boxer Anthony Joshua into a tutu. But hey, it could have been worse. Namilia also makes this excrescence…
Call WTF old fashioned, but what is wrong with trousers with a crotch? What is even the point of suspender jeans and a corset belt, let alone when worn over shiny hosiery with pointy white bootees? Either wear trousers or don’t wear trousers. Shit or get off the pot. Frankly, Demi would have done better to have put her legs through the arms of the jacket and worn it as a skirt.
To the Palm Springs International Film Festival and actress Gal Gadot, wearing Oscar de la Renta.
WTF might have been persuaded to overlook the fact that she has on a swimsuit as a top but the cut of the suit is more shocking than the pink fabric and those trousers are terrible. She appears to be wearing a codpiece.
Next we go to Glasgow, where we find singer Rod Stewart at the Celtic-Rangers match wearing a hideous jumper and coat combo.
The cross-eyed lion looks as if he is ready to throw up and who can blame him? Rod is wearing a fur-lined, leather dressing gown for which some poor animal died in vain….
Next up, one of WTF’s favourite Z-listers, soap actress Chelsee Healey wearing Liverpudlian designer Patty Fashion.
Chelsee is flaunting her post-baby body, as The Mail would say, in recycled Christmas wrapping paper with plenty of groin gape, a very visible thong line and an equally visible bikini line. Classy….
And now we welcome back Swedish actress Noomi Rapace, wearing Louis Vuitton.
Another Vuitton nonsensical a-stray-bra-off-the-washing-line-has-landed-on-me nonsense. Jennifer Connelly wore something similar a few weeks ago. This version is a leather halter neck bra worn over a fat man’s brocade waistcoat. Noomi should give her stylist a slap, a P45 and another slap and she also dispense with her hairdresser, given that she resembles a corn dolly.
AND NOW THE MOMENT YOU HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR!!!! THE WINNER OF THE WTF CHRISTMAS TURKEY POLL 2017 IS……….
To start with, Lewis, clad entirely in Missoni, was nowhere near the top of the poll, with TV nutritionist Gillian McKeith establishing a big lead over former TOWIE star Gemma Collins. But on Boxing Day, Lewis made nasty comments about his little nephew wearing a Princess dress and suddenly he shot into the lead and stayed there with Gillian a commendable second and Gemma third. He may not have been worse dressed than either of those two ladies, but he was certainly a lot more unpopular. Let that be a lesson to you, Lewis. Karma….
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Katie from North London, who is rightly appalled by the emergence of a horrible new phenomenon, the party-bar.
Katie says, “these pedal powered monstrosities block traffic, blast out terrible music and the people on them look miserable and uncomfortable. Just have your office party down the pub like everybody else!!” Agreed. Travelling around town is stressful enough without trolleyfuls of wankers clogging up public thoroughfares and assaulting your eardrums with karaoke renditions of “I Will Survive”. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Make it your New Year’s resolution to keep your comments coming in as WTF loves reading them. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x