What with the horrific events of last weekend and the General Election campaign, this is the time to cheer ourselves up with some inconsequential silliness. So no rant this week, no It’s Got To Go, just 20 fashion shockers from WTF’s blog this 2017 for you to peruse whilst you nurse your election party hangovers and/or lack of sleep and moan about whoever it is who has won, if indeed any party has actually won. To be frank with you, WTF has probably not only been up all night watching the results (she may still be at it as you read this) but she also needed a break from ranting. She has been screaming at the TV all week, whether it is President Maydogan or Boris Johnson or the idiot Angela Rayner or Donald bloody Trump or murderous fuckers who think Allah wants you to slice people open in the name of religion. The normal splenetic service will be resumed next week.
Anyway, what follows are Super-Stinkers. All you have to do is to study these clothing calamities and then to vote for as few or as many of them as you like. They are featured in alphabetical order by first name so there is no indication of WTF’s preferences or personal views. (Should you ask, there are one or two she thinks are particularly revolting, but you are the electorate, not her). There is no Single Transferable Vote nonsense here – you just vote for whoever you want and as many as you want, as many times as you want, and tell everyone you know to do the same. Bigly.
Brace yourselves. What follows is BAD, BAD, BAD. Off we go!
1. Ariel Winter, actress, wearing who knows what.
Ariel allegedly wore this as a statement against body-shaming. Frankly, WTF and her pals did not spend years fighting for feminism so that women could go out dressed in what appears to be a deconstructed centurion’s uniform with an open-wide tit window and a pube pelmet.
2. Chris Lane, singer, wearing who knows what.
Chris is wearing his granny’s curtains. Let us hope that he asked her first and that the summer nights are not keeping her awake. Extra minus points for the matching pocket hankie (as if the jacket needed any more colour) and the trousers, which are engaged in a Mexican stand-off with his ankles.
3. Halsey, singer, wearing Juun.J.
Halsey is wearing her trench coat as a skirt, her bra as a top and a ball of household string as footwear. Thrifty, yes, but horrid.
4. Helen Lasichanh, model, wife of Pharell Williams and recent mother of triplets, wearing Comme des Garçons.
The Met Gala this year honoured Rei Kawakubo of Commes des Garçons so Helen was at least adhering to the theme of the night. However, there is no excuse for turning up anywhere dressed as a Teletubby. And when you look at her face, you can see that she shares that opinion.
5. Jared Leto, actor, wearing Gucci.
Jared was so thrilled by the new Gucci Cruise Collection that he decided to wear all of it at the same time. WTF is particularly exercised by the pink velvet dressing gown, which looks highly flammable, and the stupid silver space bootees with their oh-so-artfully-undone laces.
6. Jessica Pimentel, actress, wearing Malan Breton.
There is nothing wrong with the dress. There just needed to be more of it. A lot more.
7. Katy Perry, singer, wearing Maison Margiela.
What this had to do with the theme at the Met Gala, Heaven alone knows, but Katy’s blood-soaked bridal outfit, complete with minge donut and headdress adorned with wing mirrors (WHY??????), was a shocker.
8.Kylie Jenner, pointless celebrity, wearing Balmain.
This absurd concoction looks like Wilma Flintstone after being savaged by Dino the Dinosaur.
9. Lady Victoria Hervey, pointless aristocrat, wearing who knows what.
Lady Victoria was really going for it, combining badgers’-bum hair, a plunging neckline/skintight trousers combo displaying more bones than an ossuary and a double helping of camel-toe.
10. Lewis Hamilton, champion motor racing driver, wearing Givenchy.
At some point over the past few years, Lewis has gone full fashion victim. Here is he sporting (see what I did there?) the top half of a bull-fighter and the bottom half of a navvy, complete with jeans with incorporated kneeling-pads and builders’ boots.
11. Lizzie Cundy, professional WAG, wearing who knows what.
Lizzie’s public appearances have descended into desperation, as evidenced by her wearing this net curtain over black panties in a London street. Surely this is a public order offence? And if it isn’t, it should be.
12. Marnie Simpson, TV reality star, wearing who knows what.
At no 2, we had Chris in his granny’s curtains, and now we have Marnie in her granddad’s long johns, unfortunately displaying more lumps and bumps than the tarmac on a neglected country road.
13. Nancy dell’Olio, pointless celebrity, wearing who knows what.
The under-slip is patently not up to the job, the dress is too tight and the sandals are ridiculous. And what has happened to her face?
14. Nicki Minaj, rapper, wearing a Mugler jacket and a pair of leather shorts by Givenchy. Careful – boob alert!
Both the jacket and the shorts are perfectly fine. Which is more than can be said for the bare breast with a bit of tape masking the nipple, not to mention the silly sunglasses like the eye-protection your dentist wears when attending to your gnashers.
15. Princess Caroline of Hanover, wearing Chanel.
Full credit to Her Serene Highness for managing a smile, given that she appears to have been sliced into segments with her head and shoulders pasted onto one of those bridal dolls you find on a wedding cake. Karl Lagerfool strikes again…
16.Rickie Fowler, golfer, wearing a jacket by Vineyard Vines.
Rickie was at the Kentucky Derby so the horse motif had some relevance to the event. But why he teamed the blue, pink and white of the jacket with the hospital-scrubs green of the trousers and tie and the brown of the shoes is a mystery right up there with the Bermuda Triangle and why Arsène Wenger was awarded a new contract at Arsenal.
17. Salma Hayek, actress, wearing Gucci.
As WTF noted at the time, ABBA would have given the nostril to this unflattering puce swirlfest with flared trousers, worn inexplicably with multi-hued trainers and a daft embroidered bag. That pattern is positively migraine-inducing.
18. Sundy Carter, Baseball Wife (ex), wearing who knows what.
Blue lipstick. Tits. X marks the spots. Minge. The whole nine yards. Offensive. And then some.
19. Tommy Dorfman, actor, wearing Viviene Westwood Man.
20. Tyra Banks, model and TV host, wearing who knows what.
What is the point of a double breasted lace jacket and trousers? They are as much use as tits on a fish. And why has she struck that knock-kneed pose, like a child wanting a wee-wee?
OK Readers. Now you have to decide which one is the WTF Summer Stinker 2017. Vote early and vote often. The results will be announced next Friday 16 June. Let us meet again then. Be good.