Hallo Readers,

WTF spent Election Night in Essaouira, an old walled town in Morocco with very dodgy wifi and no TV and reliant on the internet for news of  the results. She lost the soothing tones of James Naughtie on Radio 4 during the night and was in paroxysms of fear of a veritable Comical Ali moment. However, it turns out as predicted by the exit polls at 10 pm, it has all gone right for Cameron and Sturgeon and tits up for everyone else. A few random thoughts.

As far as WTF is concerned, it is a nightmare on every level.

• The Tories ran a cynical, negative campaign with the basic messages a. Don’t let Miliband in and b. Don’t let the marauding Scots in on the back of letting Miliband  in. They lied that Miliband would be in thrall to the SNP and repeated that lie at every opportunity in the face of clear denials, which they in turn described as lies. And this cost Labour votes in England.
• But let us be clear. Miliband fought a good campaign but it was not good enough and too many people just did not see him as Prime Ministerial material. Or Ed Balls as Chancellor material. Or Labour as Government material.
• Labour however has no one but itself to blame for the wipeout in Scotland because parts of the Scottish Labour Party has long been arrogant, bent, sexist and bigoted, taking their support for granted and speaking only for each other. And Labour in England is to blame because it did not stop it.
• How now do we persuade the Scots to stay in the Union? And why should they? They have been treated with contempt by both the major parties and seen with same enthusiasm as Edward 1 viewed William Wallace. Yet they are the third biggest Parliamentary party.
• A Lib Dem MP is now rarer than rocking horse shit. They have been punished for their naked opportunism dressed up as the public interest. If there is one thing the British cannot be doing with, it is naked opportunism.
• Too many people voted UKIP however many seats they won. And it looks like we don’t have to put up with Farage. But the fact they have so few seats compared to the SNP but more than twice the votes is just not democratic. Our system is wrong and it needs changing.
• The behaviour of the British press during the campaign by and large was beyond nauseating. Goebbels would have been embarrassed. The spirit of the Zinoviev letter lives on. And the worst thing? It worked…

Fuck it. I’m going back to bed.

Let me cheer myself up with some really excruciating fashion from the Met Ball. The theme was China – Through The Looking Glass although you would not guess it from most of the costumes. Let us start with someone who at least made an effort, Chloe Sevigny wearing J W Anderson.

The Duchess of Windsor apparently learned her blowjob technique in the brothels of Shanghai and Chloe (once seen on screen administering one such to her then boyfriend Vincent Gallo) appears to be paying homage to Wallis in this ludicrous ensemble complete with shingled hair and a be-bowed bodice like a straight jacket with tits.

Next we have Diane Kruger wearing Chanel.

This is about as Chinese as Diane’s left buttock, basically a strapless top made from an old greying thermal vest and worn over equally ancient long johns with an net curtain wrapped around the hips for a pretend train. Horrid.

Then there was Miley Cyrus wearing Alexander Wang.

Another nonsense from Alexander Wank. Is this supposed to be attractive? Miley’s scrawny hipbones are jutting out and her neck is encased in a studded collar leaving her head floating above it like a nodding doggie.

Here is a gruesome twosome if ever I saw one. Meet Katy Perry and designer Jeremy Scott, now at the helm of Moschino.

There is fun. And there is folly. Meanwhile, happened to Jeremy’s bow tie?

Now we have Sienna Miller wearing Thakoon.

Make that Buffoon. Unless the Chinese went in for near-topless bullfighting, WTF is struggling to see the relevance of this to the price of fish and adding a couple of bell-pulls just doesn’t count….

Next up is Sarah Jessica Parker wearing H&M and a Philip Treacy head thing.

It is as if Norma Desmond from Sunset Boulevard was singing Turandot. “I’m ready for my closeup now Mr De Mille…”

You do wonder how some of this lot got invited. Like rapper FKA Twigs wearing Christopher Kane, pictured with fiancé Robert Pattison.

Robert previously stepped out with Kristen Stewart and WTF can only conclude that he likes his women manky. Mind you, Robert looks pretty manky himself and to be frank, they both need a good hosing down. As for the dress, not only is she being groped from all angles but it also features a penis on her left hip. Which is a first, even for the Met Ball.

Is this Christopher’s new calling card? It should be.

This is Solange Knowles wearing Giles. We will get to her sister shortly.

What the actual fuck? No really. Is she standing behind something? Is it back to front? How do you get through doors? Particularly the one marked EXIT.

And now Readers a trio of sheer vulgarity. As you know WTF hates sheer almost above all things but this year really was the pits. Ready? You won’t be….

First, cue for torrents of abuse from some of you. Well tough. It’s my bloody blog. Here is Kim Kardashian wearing Peter Dundas for Roberto Cavalli. And majorly ripped off from Beyoncé at the same event 3 years back.

 And this is the rear view…

Time was when Anna Wintour would not even have let KK though the tradesman’s entrance yet here she is. And for what? To give us yet another Minge Moment and to flash her fake tits and ridiculous fake arse like a lacy hippo rising from a feather duster. …

And then there was Jennifer Lopez wearing Versace.

There was little enough front, Readers, but there was even less side.

When you say of someone there is no side to her, you don’t usually mean it so literally.  Is JLo not a little old to be flashing her arse? And whoever did her makeup went way overboard with the blusher. She might have gone several rounds with Floyd Mayweather.

And last there was Beyoncé wearing Givenchy.

Bey arrived fashionably late or maybe Riccardo Tisci was just getting the UHU out and sticking a few more little jewelled things over her groin like a couture vajazzle. 

Is there such a thing as an arse vajazzle? Because there was one of those as well. Yes she has a banging body but you know what? We’ve seen it. The shoes are grotesque and the hair is like the tail on a pantomime horse.

Here is the thing about all three of these so-called ladies. They are pathetic. LOOK AT ME!!! HERE’S MY MINGE!!!! LOOK!!!!! YOU CAN SEE MY ARSE!!!! Yes we can. And we’re bored to death. Kardashian has nothing to commend her but the other two have talent. So why do they need to keep doing this? Why do talented women need to turn out as burlesque dancers? This is not empowerment, not even of any kind. This is vulgarity.

This week’s topic was nominated by WTF aficionado Alison – those awful vox pop interviews accompanying major events such a new royal. Minutes after  HRH went into labour, wankers were lining the streets outside the hospital and talking bollocks into the microphones. One woman was there “to support Kate”. I mean you can imagine it, can’t you? “One more push, darling. I can see the head. And Maisie from Maidstone is outside! One more push for Maisie!”.  Others bored on about the spirit of Diana and others opined that “it’s nice innit?”. Thank goodness it only lasted 2.5 hours, after which WTF got on a  plane and escaped. Spare us, please. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of top comments from you so keep them coming as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x