WTF Mickey Mouse Special

Hallo Readers,

Wow! Who saw that one coming? Call Me Dave tried to lead us up the garden path into military madness and Parliament stopped him. It was simply astonishing. The majority of MPs realised that the British Public, having been lumbered with an on-going war in Afghanistan for reasons nobody can now remember (always assuming that there were any) and then having been conned over Iraq, would not accept us taking up arms without proper evidence and even before the UN Inspectors had reported. They voted against intervention in Syria, not even of any kind. Wow, wow and again wow. 

How quickly things change. Only last week, Call Me Dave and his family were on holiday in sunny Cornwall and we were treated to the usual staged snaps of him wearing the navy blue polo shirt kept in the wardrobe labelled “Holiday Photo Opportunity”  and clutching a pint of beer with all the enthusiasm of a man holding a giant turd. Later, in what he claimed was a private moment on touristy Polzeath Beach, he was photographed (much to the chagrin of No 10) paunchy and bare-chested, burnt the colour of a rare steak and removing his shorts under a Mickey Mouse towel. We were but a gust of wind away from a full meat-and-two-veg moment. 

Then suddenly the Cornish idyll was over and Call Me Dave was rushing back to Downing Street to prepare for war. Such was the urgency that Parliament was recalled 2 days early to vote for (unspecified) military action. Never mind that we had not intervened after any of the 14 previous deployments of chemical weapons or that no one is quite sure who the Syrian rebels are or why or whether we should be helping them out or even whether the vile Assad regime was in fact responsible for this latest outrage – Call Me Dave and Nick Clegg were ready for action. It was like listening to Noddy and Big Ears rallying the troops at Agincourt.

However, Cameron found himself faced first with dissent amongst his backbenchers and then with a volte face by Little Ed Miliband (because his backbenchers were similarly unenthusiastic). The day before the vote, Little Ed announced that he would not support a motion approving military action without “compelling evidence” and a further vote and he tabled an amendment to that effect. Call Me Dave was forced to table a watered-down motion along the lines of “Does The House agree that it might be a good idea (but only if we have the evidence and after another debate) that we might, perhaps, and only if The House is OK with it,  bomb the hell out of Syria?” Downing Street was highly displeased and “a Government source” briefed journalists that the PM and the Foreign Office thought that Little Ed was a “fucking c**t” and a “copper-bottomed shit”.

Thursday arrived. Opening the debate, Call Me Dave produced no concrete evidence that Assad had launched the latest attack and did not condescend to particulars about what we were going to do or what would happen if it didn’t work and neither did anyone else. As a result, despite the obvious horrors suffered by innocent Syrians and the obloquy  heaped upon Little Ed who made rather a stuttering speech, the Government lost. 30 Tories rebelled and matters were not helped when another voted in both lobbies and so was deemed to abstain whilst  2 Tory Ministers did not hear the division bell because they were “having a discussion in another room” and missed the vote. Don’t they have a pager or a mobile phone?  Another Minister, former Chancellor and Home Secretary Ken Clarke, missed it for “logistical family reasons”. 9 Lib Dem MPs also rebelled. In the end, neither Call Me Dave nor Little Ed won their motions because there was no appetite for war with or without a further vote. As one of the rebels, former Army Officer Adam Holloway MP explained, “outrage is not a strategy”.

So that’s it. Obama will still bomb Damascus, probably tomorrow, but our PM will not be part of it as his mother wouldn’t let him. Call Me Dave is licking his wounds and is holed, perhaps fatally, beneath the waterline.  Frankly, Mickey Mouse probably has a David Cameron towel……..

Let us change the subject and turn our attention to the less taxing issue of this week’s sartorial disasters. We start with Brooke Burke, hostess of Dancing with the Stars.

brooke

This is just jaw-droppingly terrible. Terrible. Even little Justin Bieber would baulk at Brooke’s silken trousers/nappy/dhoti/incontinence-thingy. What on earth can she be hiding in there?

Next to Mexico City to meet Lily Collins, daughter of warbling singer Phil, seen here with her co-star and ex boyfriend Jamie Campbell-Bower and wearing a deplorable dress by designer Mihail Sykianakis.

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Jamie looks fetching (apart from the hat) but Lily’s dress is both ugly and unflattering. Mihail apparently has “a skill for draping and creating designs directly on the body”. In this case, he appears to have draped Lily in an old fishing net and created a design using dried elephant droppings, a method favoured by artist Chris Ofili. Boring shoes too…..

Now to LA and Battlestar Galactica actress Tricia Helfer showing a vast amount of tit at the premiere of the new Vin Diesel film, Riddick.

tricia 2

WTF is unsure what is the most disturbing – the cleavage, the slithery DJ with ankle ties or the seams around the crotch like a codpiece with no cod in it. And that bag resembles a hand towel.

Now to Brooklyn and the MTV Video Music Awards where this year’s dress code must have been slutty”. There was flesh where there should have been fabric, minge moments galore and anything that actually covered the body was either see-through or had more holes than a teabag. It comes to something where Lady Gaga was the one of the most restrained on the Red Carpet. Let us start with Katy Perry wearing Emanuel Ungaro.

katy vma

The dress reminds WTF of a leopard skin left under a golden tree, there is too much thigh and the neckline makes Katy’s head seem superimposed. Meanwhile, her splayed toes look as though someone else’s hands have been sewn onto her ankles.

This would have been Minge Moment of the Week had the lovely Ciara not been pipped to the post by Iggy Azalea. Here she is wearing Givenchy Couture.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

If it looks familiar, that is because it is. Beyoncé wore a similar dress at the Met Ball in 2012 but this is even worse. As is the rear view with its encrustations….

CIARA BACK

Half scaly woman, half feather duster like some mythological creature. It certainly gives a new meaning to the phrase “domestic goddess”.

Our gentleman caller this week is 2Chainz (né Tauheed Epps) in über-vulgar Versace.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Red Carpet

He looks daft and he looked even dafter when he was interviewed by singer Grimes  on the Red Carpet and found that she was wearing the same trousers. Her outfit was more pared down but the trousers are still horrible whether on him or on her and as vulgar as Versace can be, which is pretty vulgar.

2013 MTV Video Music Awards - Arrivals

 No doubt, 2Chainz’ people are talking to Versace’s people and the conversation is unlikely to be amicable ….

This is supermodel Erin Wasson wearing Alexandre Vauthier – what there is of it.

erin

WTF loathes the whole thing like poison, particularly the snatch-sling and the tit bandage. And here is the rear view, made even uglier by the tattoos.

erin back

This is so not a dress but then it was Alexandre who designed Emmanuelle Seigner’s revolting red obs-and-gynie dress at the Cannes Film Festival, an offence for which horse-whipping would be an inadequate punishment,

As mentioned earlier,  Ciara was beaten to the Minge Moment of the Week by Australian rapper Iggy Azalea  (née Amethyst Amelia Kelly) wearing Emilio Pucci.

iggy

And this is Iggy’s rear view….

IGGY BACK

The only reason to wear this is so Iggy can scream “Hallo Brooklyn and MTV viewers everywhere! Look at my minge!!!!!!!!”. To which the only proper response is “No thanks”.

Finally we have WTF favourite Lil’ Kim wearing a perforated bin liner.

lil' kim vmaNow a perforated bin liner is as much use as a one armed trapeze artiste with an itchy bottom which may be why Lil’ Kim turned it into a onesie with a triangle preserving what there may be of her modesty. Not wishing to be underdressed, she also added feathers, a belt with a buckle bigger than her head, yellow suede Louboutin platform bootees and vile fuchsia lipstick. Lil’ Kim has always denied having plastic surgery, a statement which WTF feels borders on the inaccurate….

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It’s nice to be back amongst you. Keep the comments coming and be good until we meet next Friday.

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5 Responses to WTF Mickey Mouse Special

  1. Jane Hallett says:

    Missed you last week!

  2. Louise Nicholson says:

    Sensational, and just what I feel. N says we should go into Syria, he’s all for war, seems to believe the rebels are all goodies (is he crazy?), believes we should intervene (and just up the bloodshed, presumably). As with Afghanistan – I was totally against it from the start, look at the history, the geography, the culture, three reasons why noone will ever triumph there including the British Afghan wars and USSR non-invasion which were spectacular failures. And Iraq where they bombed the shit out Baghdad, backed their war tackle into one of the world’s most important museums so the collection was raided, and failed to annihilate any of the key baddies. xx

  3. Andrew Purcell says:

    As a fan of alliteration I can’t resist.
    “Brooke Burke’s Bieber Bloomers”
    I still haven’t gotten over the afternoon a dozen years ago when my four year old niece asked me to read “Fox in Socks” to her as her parents giggling turned into unchecked mirth.
    I still love my niece. Not so sure sometimes about her parents.

  4. Jan in Melb says:

    No more holidays for you !

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