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Hello and welcome to the Met Ball Mega Vomit Special in WTF’s new regular Friday slot.

If you have eaten recently, you might want to come back to this post later because, to be blunt, reading it will be deleterious to your digestion, not to mention your mental health.

As those of you who have been reading WTF for a while will know, there are many things which make WTF extremely cross. Here they are:

Too much exposed tit or leg, especially together;

Too sheer;

Stupid cut-outs where there should not be cut-outs;

Genitalia curtains;

Stupid feathery or other detailing;

Dresses made from off-cuts from Land of Leather.

And here they all are!!!!!!

Let us start with Alexa Chung.

WTF has always struggled with the concept of Alexa Chung. What is she actually for? She is one of those celebs who say (or of whom it is said by their friends) “Oh, I was so busy that I forgot to eat”. Who forgets to eat? WTF spends ages every day looking for her keys and trying to remember where she last left the car, but she has never forgotten to eat. Anyway, be that as it may, if the point of Alexa Chung is to look good, this is not the outfit. It is obviously from Land of Leather’s Studio 54 Range (discontinued) and seems to come with its own kangaroo pouch and built-in breastplate.  As for the shirt, WTF has no simply no idea why she is wearing it. None at all.

Next up, Chloe Sevigny.

Chloe recently guest-starred in one of WTF’s favourite TV series, Special Victims Unit and she was very good in it, but even that cannot excuse her coming out to a posh gala wearing a mirrored firescreen. And those shoes are about 3 sizes too big for her.

And it gets worse. Here is Beyoncé.

Did Land of Leather do a side-line in fluffy bath and matching pedestal mats? And why would Givenchy buy a job-lot of the said items and attach them to a sheer and deeply unflattering bodystocking? Apparently Mrs. Knowles ( Beyoncé’s mum) liked it. So that’s alright then…..

Think it can’t get worse? WRONG! Say hello to Marc Jacobs in another edition of Designers Who Need to See A Doctor.

Apparently Marc wore this because he “didn’t want to wear a tuxedo”. That would be like someone going to a restaurant, not wanting a steak and ordering a turd. There is what Tony Blair used to call the Third Way (did anyone ever work out what that was all about?).  Just because you do not want to wear a tux, it does not follow that you have to come to arguably the leading fashion event of the year dressed in a black lace shirtdress, white boxers, black socks and shoes last seen on Garrow’s Law. (Marc designed those shoes himself. He wore them before whilst sporting an elongated pink polo shirt. They looked stupid then and they look stupid now. Just saying.)

Take a deep breath. And prepare to weep. Here is supermodel Anja Rubik.

 What is your first reaction on seeing Anja? Is it WTF is(n’t) she wearing? Or someone give that girl a pie? Or where are her knickers? Or all three? I hope Anja went and stood next to Alexa because she makes Alexa look like Dawn French before the diet. I don’t want to see Anja’s jutting hipbones or the rest of Anja’s exposed (very miniscule) person. On the plus side, Anja’s shoes are lovely. In case you are wondering who the homunculus is at her shoulder, he is Anthony Vaccarello, the designer of the not-really-a-dress Anja is almost wearing.

And now – the worst of the lot. Yes.  Really. Here is Florence Welch.

It was Hamlet who remarked of his mother’s marriage to her brother in law shortly after the death of  Hamlet senior, “thrift, thrift, Horatio, the funereal bakemeats did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables”. In like mode, Florence clearly decided that there was no point wasting that bargain-basement LIDL white tinsel Christmas tree just because it is May. This is clearly what Gordon Brown was on about when he kept talking about Prudence.