Hallo Readers,

The former Prime Minister knowingly lied to the House of Commons, including lying about lying. He then lied to the Parliamentary Privileges Committee about whether he had lied to the House of Commons, including lying about lying. On learning that the Committee had found him guilty and had recommended his suspension for a record 90 days, he promptly resigned as an MP and attacked the Committee and its members as a kangaroo court. He has spent the time since spewing more bile, pausing only to pretend-jog around the leafy Oxfordshire countryside where he has just purchased a £3.8 million, nine-bedroomed mansion with a moat. Anyone with a modicum of shame would have weighed himself down with copies of the Report and jumped into the moat, but Johnson is as interested in shame as he is in the truth. Which is to say, not at all.

This is of course the same former Prime Minister whose lies were so egregious that over 50 of his ministers deserted him, forcing him to resign. He thought that was unfair as well. And the same Prime Minister who then put forward a resignation honours list proposing a knighthood for his father, alleged wife-basher Stanley Johnson, and peerages for his acolytes and handmaidens, not to mention the equivalent of Animal Farm’s Squealer, the perambulating pustule that is Paul Dacre, former editor of the Daily Mail. Sunak at least vetoed Stanley’s elevation and Dacre’s peerage and peerages for three sitting Tory MPs did not happen. We consider Nadine Dorries in the It’s Got To Go section under the fashion. Those who did make the cut include a peerage for some 29-year-old woman of whom no one had previously heard and whose chief function was to ensure a plentiful supply of McVitie’s chocolate digestives, a damehood for Priti Patel, a knighthood for Jacob Rees-Mogg  and a gong for the Parliamentary hairdresser.  Yes, you read that right. Apparently there is a Parliamentary hairdresser. Whom we pay for. And who presumably bore responsibility for Johnson going out and about looking like Worzel Gummidge. And who has been rewarded for her responsibility in allowing Johnson to go out and about looking like Worzel Gummidge. 

Johnson’s intemperate language is eerily similar to the language employed by that other paragon of truth and integrity, former US President Donald Trump, who was indicted this week for retaining classified documents at Mar A Lago, the gaudy pleasure dome in which he resides during the winter months. Like Johnson, Trump has described his indictment as a ‘witch hunt’ and those formulating the charges against him as ‘deranged’. And like Johnson, he has politicians defending him and trumpeting his innocence. In Johnson’s case, his supporters maintain that it was reasonable for their Eton-and-Oxford-educated hero to believe that he had not been at any parties, and if there were parties, they were necessary parties, and anyway he didn’t stay long and his advisers had told him that everything was OK. In Trump’s case, his supporters claim that he was entitled to remove documents, including ones concerning the nuclear capabilities of the country of which he was Commander in Chief, and anyway the documents were his (they weren’t, they belong to the US Government, not to him), and anyway they had been planted and anyway he could declassify them just by thinking about it, and so what if he had told his valet, the poor schnook who has been indicted with him, to move boxes of documents he didn’t have but were his anyway, although they had been planted, from one part of the pleasure dome to another to stop his lawyers looking at them?

And so these two amoral, indecent, narcissistic liars are finding out that although it took decades, they are finally being held accountable. And they cannot believe it. And neither can their brainwashed supporters.

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We start our review of the week’s abysmal attire with a pair of pointless prats possessed of more money than sense with no talent, not even of any kind. WTF speaks of celebritee son and ‘aspiring chef’ Brooklyn Beckham and his ‘wifey’, billionheiress Nicola Peltz. They have popped out to supper in Beverley Hills.

WTF cannot stand Brooklyn, who is a gormless little git with a face like a boiled pudding. And she has no time for his wife, who is parading around in her undies, a bodystocking and stupid pointy boots. Imagine if you were about to tuck into your dinner at $150 a head, only to have these two pillocks come swanning past you. You’d be lucky to make it to the loo in time….. Just. Go. Away.

Next up we are in Sweden where we encounter actor Lily Collins wearing MaxMara at the brand’s launch of its Resort Wear 2024.

In what resort would anyone wear this, apart from the Last Resort? MaxMara usually oozes elegance, but in this case they seem to have put the lovely Lily in a metal corset and then stood her in a dustbin, like one of WTF’s cartoon favourites, Top Cat. 

Singer and presenter Tallia Storm was out and about in London, and she was flashing everything as per bloody usual.

This has a Church tit window displaying suspiciously rounded tits and is as vulgar as everything else Tallia wears. Put it away love, for Gawd’s sake.

Now we have actor Anthony Ramos at one of the endless world premières of Transformers – Return of the Beast. 

Well, this is certainly colourful, so that is a plus. But, as a minus, he looks like a strawberry sundae in very silly shoes. WHAT THE FUCK ARE THOSE SHOES?

In an about turn that stunned WTF, actor Julia Fox showed up at a Vogue Fashion Show in Florence wearing something utterly insane but which almost completely covered her person. Which, for her, is as rare as rocking horse shit. 

There was a slash around the bottom, of course, because what is a dress these days without visible arse cheeks? Perhaps she needed the ventilation in this warm weather…

This is deeply weird. It is as if an airbag has exploded around her waist.

More nylon, this time on comedian and actor Megan Stalter who was attending the Tribeca Film Festival in New York.

WTF spent some time considering whether she had seen anything so awful and then gave up. What is this even supposed to be? Whatever it was supposed to be, what it is actually is is an adult incontinence pad which seems to be chafing her thighs, bigly, held in place by a mayoral chain. It is truly, truly, terrible.  One only hopes that someone has some soothing nappy-rash cream available.

And finally we are at the Tony Awards in New York where actor Lupita N’yongo pitched up in this bizarre creation by designer Misha Japanwala.

WTF is not keen on a breastplate as fashion to start with, but she is especially not keen on this one because it makes Lupita’s tits look shrivelled, like Mélisandre when she took off the magic necklace in Games of Thrones. (And yes, that was a spoiler but the series finished in 2019. 2019!!! We’ve lived through a pandemic since then).

Meanwhile, someone seems to have drawn on Lupita’s head with a Sharpie.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from every single person with a brain who wants to know why dozy dimwit Nadine Dorries is still an MP when she resigned last week ‘with immediate effect?’ 

In other words, Nadine herself said She Had Got to Go and then She Didn’t Go and instead She Has Been Staying, whining and whimpering about not being elevated to the House of Lords on the grounds that she comes from a poor family in Liverpool and is a victim of institutional snobbery. Or something. Look love, you do not deserve a peerage because you are an idiot. You resigned. The other two who resigned at the same time have applied for the Chiltern Hundreds and the by-election dates have been set. Your turn. You’ve Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Please keep sending in your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which WTF likes more than anything. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x