Hallo Readers,

This Government has a habit of saying no which turns out to mean yes. More specifically, it means no when it says no, but then it finds itself unable to progress with no because no comes under remorseless attack from everyone, including its own backbenchers, and is given the nostril; so that before you can say Three Line Whip, it is yet another U Turn and the policy in question goes glug, glug, glugging down the toilet bowl.

And so it was this week that yet another wizard wheeze hit the buffers. We kept hearing how Johnson would come to Parliament once the Sue Grey report was published and/or the Met finally handed down its Fixed Penalty Notice, or Notices as the case may be.  One has almost lost hope of ever seeing the Sue Grey report, which seems to slip further and further away with every new party, sorry, gathering, like Scheherazade concocting yet another tale for her husband to stop him slicing her head off the next day. But the Met then served the first FPN on Johnson, Mrs Johnson and Rishi Sunak plus 50 other people and the weatherman says there’s more to come. And so it was that Johnson appeared in the House on Tuesday and told us that he was very, very, sorry indeed for doing whatever it was that he was sorry for, not that it was remotely clear what he was sorry for, as he never actually said what it was. Instead he writhed and undulated like Uriah Heep, dodging every question and  repeating how sorry he was for whatever it was that he was sorry for. And he did not knowingly mislead the House when he said that there were no parties, and if there were parties, he did not know about them and although he had attended them, he did not know that they were actually parties until Sue Grey and/or the Met told him otherwise. Meanwhile, we were at war with Russia and he was too busy leading the World’s response to spend any more time on this stuff.  But he was really very, very, sorry and very, very, ‘umble.

This new-found state of ‘umbleness did not last long. That evening, Johnson cast his Uriah mask aside and returned to maintaining that he had  done nothing wrong and that he certainly had not misled the House, and who did the Archbishop of Canterbury think he was slagging off the Government’s plan to ship asylum seekers on a one way ticket to Rwanda and the BBC was no better. At which point, the Opposition Parties decided to table a motion to sanction an investigation into whether and why Johnson misled Parliament. Johnson then authorised a proposed amendment adjourning the investigation until the Sue Grey report, a move which was not so much a case of kicking the can down the road as throwing it into the undergrowth and burying it under concrete. It was too much for its backbenchers and so it was announced that er, there would be no amendment and that Johnson ‘welcomed’ the investigation. Of course, it is about as welcome as a bread pudding at the Passover table and the exact opposite of what was said about an hour earlier. But Johnson is at least consistent in his inconsistency. Meanwhile, some Tories are poking their heads back up above the parapet and calling for him to go, Ukraine or no Ukraine. As the self-proclaimed Brexit hard man Steve Baker put it, the Prime Minister’s contrition “only lasted as long as it took to get out of the headmaster’s study … Really, the Prime Minister should just know the gig’s up.” Maybe he does but they will have to carry him out of no 10 because he is going nowhere voluntarily….

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We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with actor Claire Foy in New York, wearing Valentino.

It pains WTF to speak frankly but, as Gwendoline put it so well in The Importance of Being Earnest, ‘On an occasion of this kind it becomes more than a moral duty to speak one’s mind. It becomes a pleasure’. These are hairy pyjamas. Cute hairy pyjamas. But hairy pyjamas nonetheless. Why Claire would want to walk around New York like wee Willie Winkie, WTF cannot say…

Nest up, we have actor Tessa Thompson wearing Schiaparelli.

The sandals are miraculous and the jumper looks snuggly, but the skirt has a pube porthole, putting appalled onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment. Yikes!

Now we are forced to acknowledge two separate examples of parrotcide. First up, we have actor Nicole Kidman wearing Prada at the premiere of The Northman.

RIP birdies. As for Nicole and Prada, the Royal Society for the Protection of Birds has been alerted of your crimes.

And also complicit is actor Tracee Ellis Ross wearing Germanier on Jimmy Kimmel Live!

More parrotcide. What is occurring? Has Will Smith’s violently slapping Chris Rock brought out every thespian’s worst tendencies? We should be told……

Now we have pregnant singer Rihanna in Barbados with her babyfather ASAP Rocky. Riri is wearing Dundas. 

No sooner has ASAP Rocky landed back in the US from his Caribbean sojourn than he was arrested by the cops in connection with an assault with a deadly weapon in 2021. Frankly, Dundas should be arrested and charged with something similar for foisting this horror upon us, like the lovechild of a corset and an exploding parcel.

To California where we encounter celebritee sibling Khloe Kardashian out to lunch, in every sense of the word, wearing Mugler.

Mugler has been churning out these foul leggings this season, and they look no better on Khloe than on anyone else, ie they look like a sack of shit. That central seam is very unfortunate, with more camel toe than a dromedaries’ day trip to Dakar.

And finally, in case you were worried that there were no chaps this week, breathe out. Here is actor Dan Stevens, the one who was married to I-Speak-Your-Weight-Machine Lady Mary in Downton Abbey, at the premiere of Gaslit in New York wearing Licong Gong. Scroll down slowly and have a receptacle at hand…..

Frankly, WTF was reaching for the receptacle at the green tinted sunglasses but its need became ever more urgent when she got to the coat and trewsies of many colours, and was imperative once she saw the striped footwear. There is a burger bar in Beverley, Yorkshire that has taken to serving rainbow burgers. Whether that that was inspiration for this dog’s breakfast is unclear….

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Alessandra from North London who objects – with every reason – to these foul jeans from Shein, or, as WTF prefers to refer to the brand, Sheit.  

Can you imagine the indentations on her personage? Not to mention the degree of polishing and waxing of the pubes before putting them on? Eek!!!! It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in – there were loads last week and WTF was as happy as a happy thing on happy tablets. Oh, and do not neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x