WTF Without A Paddle Special

Hallo Readers, 

Today, our thoughts and prayers are with the Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has selflessly decided to quarantine himself for a week or so because one of his close family members has tested positive for Covid. As it happens, given that he is triple vaccinated, he is not obliged to quarantine at all but he  is prepared to make this sacrifice to safeguard the health of those near to him. The fact that this restriction on his visibility comes the day after he was forced into a grovelling Parliamentary apology to the country for hosting a lockdown party that wasn’t a party, and which he attended not knowing that it was a party because it wasn’t a party, it was a work event (where guests had to bring their own bottle and where there were trestle tables groaning with snacks and canapés various,) is pure coincidence. Not to mention all those other parties that he had long denied had ever happened. During 2020, Downing Street resembled Ibiza. It would  be churlish to conclude that it is an ill viral load that blows nobody any good, much like that notorious anti-vaxxer Novak Djokovic, who luckily managed to catch the virus just in time to to be exempt from Australia’s immigration requirement that visitors to the country should be vaccinated. But I digress.

The Prime Minister said he was sorry seven times during his statement to  the House but it was not immediately clear, to WTF at least, what he was apologising for. According to him, he had done nothing wrong in attending  the party in his garden on 20 May 2020, to which 100 people have been invited, as he had thought it was a work event and despite spending 25 minutes there thanking his civil servants for their hard work.  WTF has some difficulty in deciding whether this was a bigger lie than the statement that followed it, namely that he had then gone back into his office to carry on working. When exactly did he ever start? Be that as it may, it was now up to Sue Gray, the civil servant routinely described as “formidable”, to pronounce on what had happened at this and other festivities at no 10. In other words, the man on whom our health, wealth, and welfare depend is unable to gauge the nature of any event he attends without a paid factotum telling him what that event was. WTF was put in mind of the old Jackie Mason routine about a Jewish man going to a restaurant, scanning the menu and asking his wife of a particular dish “do I like this?” What else are our civil servants paid to advise him on? Do they have to identify whether he has just eaten breakfast or lunch? Or whether his visit to the toilet was in order to do a whoopsie or to pass water? Is he such a complete idiot that he does not know what he is doing without someone confirming to him what it is that he has just done? 

Johnson was forced to come clean, not that he did, on Wednesday because  of the outrage at his performance the previous day. On being asked about this party, he refused to answer whether he was there, said we had to wait for Ms Gray’s report and smirked so egregiously that WTF, and many others,  had to be restrained from putting her foot through the TV screen. His performance was such an insult to the intelligence that not only did he fail to persuade any sentient being with an IQ above 6 that he was telling the truth but that he further alienated some previously faithful MPs who are now calling for him to face the chop. Throughout the week, anonymous Tories have been voicing surprise and disgust that the Leader of their Party is a liar. To which WTF asks – where the hell have they been for the last 25 years? Because anyone who knew anything about this mop-headed charlatan is not even remotely surprised.  His complete indifference for the rules he himself made (and which his minions are now arguing were too harsh and therefore reasonable to disobey) and his lack of care for the sacrifices of others will see him gone sooner rather than later. And good riddance.

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We start our review of the week’s clothing cloacas Prime Ministerial consort,  Carrie Antoinette,  on a night out in Mayfair wearing Wiggy Kit.

Oh Gawd. She looks like the Pearly Queen in Mary Poppins. We can at least be thankful that she did not actually pay the £700 that this dress retails at as she seems to rent her clothes rather than buy them.

Next we have shapely TV person Carol Vorderman, wearing Alessandra Rich.

Maybe Carol thinks she looks great. But she does not. She resembles an over-inflated sex doll wrapped in sticky tape.

Next up, we have actor Jacob Elordi wearing  Celine on a US talk show.

He is cute but that getup certainly is not. Quite apart from the jacket as worn by Ron Howard in Happy Days, there are the truly terrible Mr Toad trousers, the white socks (mirroring his gleaming white teeth) and the tasselled loafers.

Here are Manchester City footballer Riyad Mahrez and his now-bride, model Taylor Ward. She is wearing Dolls House. 

It is not exactly clear what occasion this photo was taken, but one recalls the words of Dolly Parton who said of herself “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap”. WTF hates a transparent trouser almost above all things and particularly one that (a) puts appalled onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment and (b) makes the wearer seem have been stencilled. As for Riyad, he earns more than £10m a year and could do much better than jeans that are not so much distressed as hysterical, silly bowling shoes and a waiter’s jacket.

Next up, we have actress Julia Fox and her new beau Kanye West out and about in LA.

Last week, we were subject to WAG Danielle Lloyd in pube-skimming jeans and now we have Julia in pube-skimming leather trousers and matching long-sleeved crop-top with fuck-me boots. The rear view showcases Julia’s cello-like tattoos and the promise of a sight of  her arse-crack.

Julia and Kanye were out with singer Madonna, who, as usual, looked ridiculous.

Finally, as you know, Readers, it pains WTF to be critical but honestly – when is Madonna going to stop dressing like a superannuated Sindy doll?

 

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF  aficionados various who are unimpressed by Kate Middleton’s 40th birthday portraits which have been touched up in something resembling a full-on assault. 

Kate is lovely as she is, albeit too thin. She does not need to be airbrushed to look like a completely different person and one less pretty than she actually is and way more mumsy. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Do not forget your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments – there were no comments at all last week and WTF was beside herself with worry that you don’t love her any more (Needy? Moi?). Let us meet again next Friday.  Be good  x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 Responses to WTF Without A Paddle Special

  1. Rebecca Jay says:

    20 May 2020. My 65th birthday. I’d just recovered from Covid. I was lucky. My big birthday party was a zoom call with a few of my closest girlfriends including you. I hope that Boris Johnson enjoyed himself along with those other no.10 employees whilst laughing at us. 😡

  2. Lottie says:

    Whilst Mrs Johnson’s dress sense is akin to that of the York girls, I do grudgingly respect her for hiring stuff for big events rather shell out hundreds or thousands for something revolting she’ll only wear once. Wonder if revolting frocks are cheaper to hire than nice ones? I do like her shoes there, though.

    Those photos of Bill Windsor’s wife were awful – awful dresses, awful hair, awful poses, so much air-brushing they might as well have just drawn her, and looked like a throwback to Gels In Pearls in 1950s Tatler. Her face, however, does look more natural without those awful thick eye brows and thick black eyeliner. I love eyeliner, but not when it makes someone look like a has-been rock star after a bender. But at least they provided a talking point, something to deflect attention away from …oh, what could the Royals have been wanting to deflect attention from?

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