It is no surprise that our Prime Minister is a bumbling, mendacious oaf living in fear of the next Daily Telegraph editorial. This we already knew. But what we did not know, until it was laid out for us in a sumptuous five-course banquet by Johnson’s former aide Dominic Cummings when he gave evidence to a House of Commons committee on Wednesday, is that Johnson changes his mind more regularly than some men change their socks. We did not know that he revelled, like his role model Donald Trump used to do, in chaos. The reason? Because “that way everyone will look to me to sort to it out”, a strategy which is not only loathsome but also ineffective given his refusal to sort anything out if he could avoid doing so. We did not know that he based his leadership on the Mayor of Amity Island in Jaws. And look how well that worked out for both of them. It is like the British Medical Association developing a new protocol with a desire to emulate Dr Harold Shipman. And although we might have suspected it, it also appears that Matt Hancock, who had previously attempted to come across as Mr Nice Guy, had regularly been accused of lying to his colleagues and to the public, accusations made both by Cummings and by the Cabinet Secretary. Or that he was only saved from the boot by the fact that Johnson was saving him for later so that he could be the sacrificial lamb when the inevitable enquiry revealed the extent to which the Government’s grip on the crisis had gone tits up.
No one likes Dominic Cummings with the possible exception of his immediate family and WTF is not even willing to vouch for them without proof of their affection. But on the basis that my enemy’s enemy is my friend, at present we all absolutely love Cummings. Yes, he is an arrogant, unpleasant, abusive apparatchik, and horribly right wing with it. He lied about the reasons for his trip to the North East during the height of the first Covid lockdown (while everyone else was shut up indoors for 23 hours a day), lies so blatant that one hardly knew whether to marvel at his audacity or to despise him for the gross contempt in which he so clearly held the public. But because a man is a fully-fledged, card-carrying shit does not mean that he always lies about everything. To WTF’s eye and ear, even discounting the clear animus he felt towards Johnson and Hancock (and who can blame him?), most of what he said appeared to have the ring of truth. And the best part is that having rushed to defend his jaunt to Durham last year, and having praised him for his fatherly concerns in removing himself and his wife and child 260 miles north to Durham, and then driven on a 60-mile round trip to a local beauty spot to test whether his eyes were working, Government Ministers including Hancock are a little stymied in now turning on him and calling him a liar.
So where does this leave the public? It leaves us with proof positive that over the past year, with our lives overturned, our health put at risk, 130,000 people dead, businesses closing, people sinking into depression and many of us living in abject fear of the unknown, the Government we suspected to have been incompetent was even worse than we thought it was.
We start our review of the week’s sartorial silliness with singer Katy Perry wearing Mélique Street.
Do not adjust your eyeballs. The coat is deliberately designed to have only one outsized shoulder. WTF tried to think anything more silly and then gave up. Why would anyone want to emulate Shakespeare’s Richard 111? There is a reason why Katy is standing by a dumpster……
Next up, we have actress Lena Dunham wearing Ganni.
Lena is the lovechild of an Edwardian schoolmarm and a willow pattern plate. There is quirky and then there is this……
Here is model Lottie Moss, half-sister of Kate Moss, almost wearing I am Gia.
As you know, criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, but what exactly is the point of Lottie Moss? Were her sister Kate Stone, would she get any attention at all? The hair is an abomination and that is not so much a tit window as a triple French tit window, with the worry about an imminent Minge Moment thrown in for good measure.
To the Billboard Awards 2021 and a real Red Carpet!! Only it’s black. Here is singer Doja Cat, née Amala Ratna Zandile Dlamini, wearing Balmain.
If a circus tent went to a fancy dress party as a bat, this is what it would look like. How did Doja Cat manage to walk in those trousers, the hems of which are spooling on the floor like giant melted puddles of seaside rock? She would needs stilts to walk….. and there is always something wrong when your necklace is bigger than your top.
Singer Kehlani, in Tony Ward.
WTF hates a tattooed neck almost above all things, whether male or female, and it looks even worse when it has a pearl necklace on it. Kehlani has wrapped herself in red clingfilm like one of those bundles you get at a kiddies’ party and has preserved her modesty with a bellydancer’s bralet and a taffeta crotch curtain.
Singer Karol G wearing Celia Kritharioti.
Sigh. We have had a tit window and now we have a belly bay worn with a minuscule thong, nipple pasties and blue hair. The whole lot is clearly inspired by Emily the Corpse Bride.
Machine Gun Kelly looks like his nappy has come loose. As for Megan, that horrible bodice is as if someone has tattooed a large clef on her. Her dress is almost as offensive as her foot blotch.
And finally we have singer Saweetie (née Diamonté Quiava Valentin Harper), wearing Giambattista Valli. Careful now……
There is something very disturbing about that skirt, reminiscent of the giant 33 metre vagina carved into the earth by Juliana Notari in Northern Brazil.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Jen from Devon, who has brought this nonsense to WTFs attention. It is called a pillow bra by Sleep & Glo and costs $75.
The point of this is to stop your tits getting crinkled. The blurb says “the pillow bra helps fight skin creases and cleavage wrinkles when sleeping on the side. A must have for ladies with gorgeous forms. Made of premium materials: natural silk and lace from the outside, cotton from the inside. The filling is of tiny foam balls to ensure air circulation”. Yuk. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Let us meet again next Friday. And keep those splendid suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your top comments. Be good x.