Yesterday morning, WTF was returning from the gym feeling relatively cheery, only to hear on the radio that, in breaking news, the DUP had agreed to support Boris Johnson’s deal with the EU, which would have probably secured Brexit in a fortnight’s time. WTF uttered a number of expletives, which it is unnecessary to repeat here, and narrowly avoided swerving into a bus as she suddenly saw the horrible reality of the end of the ifs and the maybes, and life outside the EU beginning on 1 November. Within minutes, just as some chappie on LBC was explaining what this all meant, it turned out that the DUP had done no such thing, and were as opposed to treating Northern Ireland differently to the rest of the UK as they had been two hours earlier. So we were back staring over the edge of the abyss, rather than plunging into it. WTF returned home, somewhat shaken by her experience, had several cups of coffee, and, like everybody else, continued to wonder what the fuck was going on. And she is still wondering.
When you have to depend on the DUP to save you from Brexit, you know that things are pretty precarious. They are a ghastly group of religious bigots. But at the moment, your enemy’s enemy is your friend, even if she is called Arlene Foster. And the DUP are sticking by their view that there is no point being the Democratic Unionist Party if the Union you believe in as your lynchpin is about to have one set of customs and VAT rules for Great Britain, and another rule for Northern Ireland, and that the Province will remain subject to the Court of Justice of the European Union, also unlike the rest of the UK. Not to mention the small matter that Johnson had assured them, and everyone else, that it would never happen. He lied about that, in the same way as he lies about everything and to everyone. Nor has he come up a magic technological thingummy which would enable satellites orbiting around the Irish Sea to see what is in every parcel, every lorry, and every car, thereby preventing actual people performing that customs function. As someone pointed out, with all those technology lessons he got from blond bombshell Jennifer Acuri when he was Mayor of London and she was his, er, friend, you would have thought that he could have developed apposite something by now. Sadly, it appears that he has not.
And so we are down to the wire. On Saturday, assuming that the DUP and other Unionists give the deal the nostril, it will come down to defections from Labour MPs, on pain of expulsion, and to convincing the likes of Mark Francois and Andrew Bridgen, who jointly have the IQ of a squashed squash, to vote in favour of it. If it does not pass the Commons, the Benn Act requires Johnson to ask for an extension, rather than have us leave on a no-deal, and we will be back to square one. It is like being on a roller-coaster without a sick bag. And WTF – and many others- are feeling pretty damn sick at the moment.
We begin our review of the week’s crapulous clothing with rapper Cardi B out and about in LA, wearing Sally LaPointe
Cardi is more covered up than she is normally is, for which we give much thanks. However, this preposterous outfit makes her look like Two-Face from Batman. In addition, the jacket doesn’t fit, and what the white shoes have to do with the price of fish, WTF cannot say.
To Hollywood, where we again come across model and actor Patrick Schwarzenegger at the Elle Hollywood Rising Stars bash. Two weeks ago, WTF had never heard of him and yet he is featured in here twice in a fortnight.
This party held at the boutique of Salvatore Ferragamo, but Patrick arrived dressed and ready to do the washing up, showing admittedly very shapely calves, while his collar is simply an affront. Get the iron out, man!
Another Elle event, this time the Elle Women in Hollywood in LA, where we find actress Lake Bell wearing Monse.
More Monsense. It’s horrible, with fringing like the lovechild of a barber’s pole and a gauzy sofa. And it only has one arm for a two-armed person, which WTF hates almost above all things. Lake seems stricken. No wonder.
Here is one of our frequent flyers, rapper Nicki Minaj, wearing Fendi.
Fendi used to make fashion. Now it is placing clients in chain-linked fencing and calling it couture.
Say hallo to annoying actress Kate Hudson at a UN girl up event, wearing Hellessy.
This is very slithery and it is also unflattering. If Sam the Slithery Snake went to a fancy dress party as a silk nightdress, this is what he would look like.
Also present at girl up was model and actress Cara Delevigne, wearing Guy Laroche.
You what? Cara looks like a peekaboo pantomime cow. And more horrible white shoes.
The pantomime season has obviously started early. Here is singer Sam Smith at the London Attitude Awards, wearing Lacy Menagerié.
It’s Men’s Lingerie, Menagerié. Get it? What on earth is this supposed to be? WTF is bewildered, and then bewildered some more. And some more after that. Perhaps Sam is set to to play Widow Twankey in Cleethorpes come Christmas?
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Claire from Golders’ Green. She positively applauds the commuters of Canning Town, East London, who got fed up with the Extinction Rebellion Protesters perched atop their tube train on Thursday morning. Claire says that when you are waiting on a packed platform to get to work at the crack of sparrow-fart, it is more than irritating to find someone sitting on the carriage roof as a protest against the environment in peril. She was all for furious commuters dragging the protesters off the roof by their ankles, and even applauded a woman who threw eggs at them, which WTF considers to be a waste of eggs. WTF is not unsympathetic to commuter outrage, but she is certainly not in favour of duffing anyone up, even if they are delaying your journey. Vigilantism is not OK. The protesters should have come to Highbury & Islington, where they would probably have been offered a cappuccino, not had one thrown over them, plus a pain au chocolat. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Put a smile on WTF’s face by sending in your comments – they have become more scant and that puts WTF into a panic and in panic is not where she wants to be. And don’t forget your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x