Imagine that you were to invite someone to your house for the weekend. You steam-clean the carpets, air the spare bed, and get the caterers in for a slap-up dinner. Then he goes on Twitter and announces that he wants to buy your back garden. You, somewhat surprised, reply that your back garden is not for sale, and the idea is absurd. At which point, the guest tweets that the visit is off, and that you have insulted him. And then he calls you ‘nasty’, a word he only ever deploys for women who contradict or criticise him. And then he attacks you for not forking out your share of club dues. All because you did not agree to sell him something that was never for sale, and which he had not previously mentioned he wanted to buy.
Do not adjust your brain. This is not a test. This is the President of the USA in August 2019. He fancied putting in a bid for Greenland, the semi-autonomous state that is part of the Kingdom of Denmark. He did not convey this interest to Denmark, or for that matter to the 56,000 inhabitants of Greenland. He did not mention it when Queen Margrethe II invited him to pop over to Copenhagen for some hygge and a meal at the Palace. The first she, and Danish Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen, knew about it was when they saw it in the papers. The first they knew that the trip was off was when they saw it on Twitter. This is not how international diplomacy is supposed to work.
Trumpy’s non-appearance is unlikely to upset the Royal Household, where they are doubtless running around shouting ‘Fedt!’, which WTF aficionado Anya Palmer assures me is the Danish for ‘great!’ They do not have to smile politely over the Aebleflæsk as he rambles on about how He is the new King of Israel, and how He is the Chosen One, and how surgeons in El Paso came running out of the operating rooms to greet him when he came to ‘console’ the victims of the shooting his vile rhetoric had inspired. In short, they have had a result. But the USA has not had a result. The World has not had a result. Because this man is unhinged. He and reality are no longer on speaking terms. He is threatening the global economy. He is threatening NATO. He is becoming more and more erratic. It is too late to hope that members of the Republican Party will find a pair of balls between them, which leaves impeachment as the only option. Because this is not funny any more.
We turn to our first ever Worst of the Worst Poll. The word ‘shocker’ has insufficient nuance to describe what awaits you, namely fourteen ghastly ‘outfits’, some of them so small that they do not even count as outfits. Indeed Bobby Norris, formerly of TOWIE, should probably never have qualified at all. Readers are counselled to exercise extreme caution when accessing pictures of Bobby, the runaway winner of the Summer Stinkers in 2014 and 2015.
Looking at the winners since 2012, the early ones were either very mingetastic or very, er, cocky. It is with relief that one gets to the four recent winners, all of them male (admittedly the 2018 Christmas Turkey was an all-male affair) and to see that however truly preposterous they look, they are at least wearing actual clothes.
OK Readers! You’re off! You can vote for as many of these champions as you like, as often as you like, and leave unpleasant comments to go with your votes. The results will be announced next week. Enjoy your August Bank Holiday and that unusual yellow thing in the sky, beaming out warmth. It is called “the sun”.
HERE WE GO!!!!!
1. Adrianne Curry, model and celebritee. WTF Christmas Turkey 2012
The first ever winner of any WTF competition, Adrianne Curry, set a standard for others to follow – underboob, no panties, camel toe, and thrush-inducing tinfoil trousers. Yurgle. Take that, 2013 onwards!
2. Nadine Merabi, designer. Summer Stinker 2013
Nadine designs fancy frocks for celebritees and WAGS, and appeared at a footballers’ charity ball in Manchester in this mega-mingetastic creation made from an old pair of tights scattered with iron filings, and displaying the ugliest side- seam ever seen North of the Watford Gap.
3. Lil’ Kim, rapper. WTF Christmas Turkey 2013
Lil’ Kim picked up Adrianne’s camel toe challenge and ran with it all the way to the top of the podium of the 2013 Christmas Turkey. Ouch. And again Ouch. Call for the Canesten.
4. Bobby Norris, TOWIE celebritee. WTF Summer Stinker 2014
CAUTION! AND ANOTHER CAUTION TO GO WITH THE FIRST CAUTION!
I know. I KNOW!!!! Bobby is wearing a cock-sock disappearing up his crack at the back. And he has colour-coordinated his cocktails and his eyebrows are more arched than Joan Crawford. Shocking. And then some.
5. Bai Ling, actress. WTF Christmas Turkey 2014
Compared to Bobby, Bai Ling is almost overdressed. Just because she was attending the premiere of a film called The Key is no excuse for draping one such over your chest and calling it a top. And there can never be an excuse, not even of any kind, for wearing a minge marigold.
6. Bobby Norris (Again). WTF Summer Stinker 2015
THIRD CAUTION! AND A FOURTH CAUTION TO GO WITH THE THIRD CAUTION!
At this point, WTF decided to ban Bobby from entering any more competitions on the basis that he had stopped wearing clothes altogether. He looks like a tattooed string bean in a willy-warmer.
7. Charlotte Dawson, celebritee. Christmas Turkey 2015
2015 was a very bad year for visible body parts. No wonder she has her hair covering her face. And those hooves are horrible.
8. Shawn Everett, sound technician. WTF Summer Stinker 2016
It was a relief to welcome Shawn into the Summer Stinker Poll 2016 as he turned up at the Grammys that year wearing actual clothes. Horrible clothes. But clothes. Hurrah!
9. Baddiewinkle, internet sensation. WTF Christmas Turkey 2016
I mean, this is sort of deeply wonderful as well as appalling. Baddiewinkle, née Helen Ruth Elam, was a very sprightly 88 when this picture was taken. She is still going strong at 91.
10. Sundy Carter, US reality star. WTF Summer Stinker 2017
Sundy was doing that look-at-me!!!!!!! thing you do when you have no talent to speak of and want to get your picture in the papers. Removing the criss-cross tit-tape must have been absolute agony, which serves her right. And the blue lipstick makes her look cyanotic.
11. Lewis Hamilton, racing driver. WTF Christmas Turkey 2017
Ah Lewis! Where would the blog be without him? People keep voting for him because with all his zillions of pounds, he dresses like a prat, but he thinks he looks good. Newsflash. He doesn’t. And he seems to have forgotten his trousers.
12. Jeremy Scott, head designer at Moschino. WTF Summer Stinker 2018
If a bank manager keen on falconry went to a fancy dress as Russell Crowe in Gladiator, this is what he would look like.
13.A$AP Rocky, rapper. WTF All Male Christmas Turkey 2018
He is head to toe Gucci. The suit is fine. But the frilled headscarf and silk dressing gown are very Princess Margaret meets Noël Coward. I bet he wasn’t dressed like this during his recent sojourn in a Swedish prison. where this getup would not have been warmly received.
14. Lyali Hakaraia, stylist. Summer Stinker 2019
And so our last winner, who is just plain creepy. The beard looks badly stuck on, there is the threat of glimpsing what we do not wish to see, and what are those golden tassels dangling down? *baffled*
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good.