WTF Brits and Bobs Special


Hallo Readers,

The British Body Politic, which had been ailing for some time, has finally succumbed to massive organ failure and is currently on life support, hooked up to those machines that go beep, beep, beep, like you see on the telly. The left side of the Body Politic started leaking, with eight constituent elements becoming detached. The diagnosis was a lethal mixture of Corbynitis, acute-non-Brexititis and antisemitism. On the right side of the Body Politic, three constituent elements detached themselves. The diagnosis was acute-non-Brexititis, extreme-anti-Moggery and a dislike of Mrs Maybe and her intolerance of immigrants various. Doctors in white coats are running one way shouting ‘we are a broad church’ whilst other doctors are running the other way shouting ‘we’ve got the malign bits out and now we can heal’. When the medics cannot even agree on the diagnosis, let alone the treatment, the prognosis is not good.

It has been a long time coming. In the Labour Party, Trots various called MPs who appeared to support a second referendum and/or the existence of the State of Israel, traitorous Blairite scum and urged them to leave the party. Now that they have resigned, they are being called traitorous Blairite scum for leaving. In the Tory Party, the three MPS who opposed Brexit were described as the enemy within and saboteurs. Now they have resigned, they are being attacked for deserting the party that needs them. There is no pleasing some people. And it is clear that in the days to come, others will follow, both Labour and Conservative. The Body Politic is bleeding out and there is a shortage of needles, suturing thread and anaesthetic. 

Antisemitism has plagued the Labour Party for a long time, and Corbyn stuck a few plasters over the wound rather than wield the scalpel. On the day seven MPs resigned, to general crowing cries of good riddance from some, and weasel words from others, the party readmitted Derek Degsy Hatton, a rabid Trot from the 1980’s who did his best to run Liverpool into the ground. Sadly, Hatton’s triumphant return only lasted two days before he was suspended over an alleged antisemitic tweet from 2012.  You couldn’t make it up, and you wouldn’t want to.  As for Brexit, there is no sticking plaster large enough to cover that wound, no kidney bowl deep enough to hold the pus leaking from it. There is no point calling for the crash cart. The patient is acystolic. Beep, beep, beeeeeeeepppppppppppppppp. Time of death March 29 2019.


We start our review of the week’s fashion flotsam with singer Paloma Faith wearing No 21.

Oh dear. Oh very dear. Paloma looks like one of those cheap bathroom sets you can buy for £10 – bathmat, toilet mat and loo seat cover. We can but pray that no-one tried to wipe their feet – or worse- on her.

Next up, we have artist Lyali Hakaraia.  WTF has no idea what the hell this is. No idea at all.

WTF does not mind a man in drag as long as he looks good and has a certain swagger, but Lyali does not just look like a sack of shit, he looks positively creepy. He is wearing a prick-skimmer as a skirt, which is quite bad enough, Lord knows, but worst are the nude shoes, beloved by so many of the Royal Family, particularly St Kate of L K Bennett. WTF’s advice to Lyali is to button his coat and bugger off.

Kim Kardashian wearing vintage Thierry Mugler.

Easter is edging ever closer, but that does not excuse Kim going around dressed as a hot cross bun.

And look how tight those straps are. Her cups runneth over. The whole thing looks extremely painful and when she disrobed at the end of the night, the imprimatur must have lingered for days.

We now go to the Brits, the poor man’s UK version of the Grammys, where nonsense was all around. Let us begin with singer Sam Smith ,wearing Raf Simons.

Whoever told Sam that he looked good in this suit was not his friend. The colour is nice and the lace shirt is fun, but there is moose knuckle on display beneath the ill-fitting, Norman-Wisdom-style, way-too-short jacket, and the trousers are in a Mexican standoff with his ankles.

Singer Leigh-Anne Pinnock from Little Mix, wearing Suzanne Neville.

One can understand why Leigh-Anne wants to show off her body, because she a fab figure, but she has pitched up in public looking like one of those Hawaiian dancing girls that greet you in the lobby of a Honolulu hotel and drape you with leis. 

Singer Olly Alexander.

Like a public schoolboy dressed up as Edward VI in the school play. Dismal.

Singer Grace Carter, wearing a flasher mac.

Was there no cloakroom at the event?

Singer Lily Allen , heading to the after party in her undies and a blonde wig.

WTF had the misfortune to read an article in which Lily described how she had to have her nipples waxed (ouch!) before donning this outfit, which appears to consist of a pair of Spanx Power Panties underneath a deceased flamingo. The whole thing is very cut-price Diana Dors. (Did you know Diana Dors’ real name was Diana Fluck? Just saying…)

Performance artist Daniel Lismore, wearing dunno what.

If Yosemite Sam went to a fancy dress party as a space-age Turandot, this is what he would look like.

And finallyMontana Brown. celebritee and ‘star’ of that pile of steaming poo, Love Island, wearing Cherry Williams London.

WTF compliments Montana’s waxing technician, who has removed everything with great thoroughness. She is however forced to be somewhat sterner with Cherry Williams, whose poor handiwork has resulted in Montana sporting a shocking wedgie…. #nomorearsecheeks. Pretty please.


This week’s It’s Got To Go is from WTF aficionado WTF who is deeply appalled by this Burberry hood. You want bad taste. Look no further than the Noose Hood, premiered during London Fashion Week.

What the actual fuck? When did hanging become fashionable? When did a noose become a fashion accessory? What the hell is wrong with these people? What next? An axe sticking out of someone’s head? Burberry has withdrawn this nonsense but it should never have seen the light of day in the first place. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending your splendid comments as well as your suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good. x


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8 Responses to WTF Brits and Bobs Special

  1. Lottie says:

    Your one from Little Mix looks a touch embarrassed, as well she might, having gone out in two bits of bed sheet from Brentford Nylons. Love the colour of that lilac coat though. Even if he looks a total pillock wearing it.

    As for the ‘Independent group’ of MPs – firstly, it is difficult to take the moral high ground about leaving a party you deem to be racist when you go on TV not 3 hours later and refer to BME people as having ‘a faint tinge’. And secondly, desperately hanging onto your MP job having left the party that you were elected to represent. Have the courage of your convictions, stand down and have a bye-election. If your constituents hold you in the high regard you say they do, you will be back in Westminster with no problem but with a clearly defined ‘independent’ platform.

  2. “If Yosemite Sam went to a fancy dress party as a space-age Turandot…”
    I’m impressed. That is your cleverest line since describing Boris Johnson as a “highwayman dangling from a gibbet” after an Olympic publicity stunt gone wrong.
    Most people who know Yosemite Sam wouldn’t have any idea about Turandot, and most of the people who do recognize Turandot would rather have their tongues cut out than admit that they know Yosemite Sam.
    The United Kingdom did remove the gibbet from the criminal justice system some time ago so there wasn’t much choice except to cut him down (it’s probably gratuitous, but you really should have left him up there anyway as a warning to the next ten generations).
    *My first reaction to the lady wearing the green bath mats was “Sesame Street’s Big Bird with food poisoning”.
    *Lyali is certainly a contender for the annual Sumner Stinker.
    *Sam Smith and his white suit. That is a very nice outfit. It just doesn’t fit him very well. The guy who does alterations at my local dry cleaner could fix that up for about twenty bucks and have it ready by lunch time tomorrow. Slip him an extra ten and it’ll be ready later this afternoon.
    *Leigh Anne. Sigh. I know I’m looking with a different perspective (and chromosomes), but she can drape leis around my neck all day long…

    • fashionshark
      fashionshark says:

      Thank you for your kind words. Leigh-Anne is gorgeous, and I can see the lei-draping would appeal, but you’d still like her even with more dress.

      At the moment, I think Lyali and Post Malone from last week are establishing a strong case for podium positions in the Summer Stinkers. And the Oscars are still to come!!!!!

      • Lottie says:

        Leigh-Anne is definitely a stunning looking girl but what a lot of young women in ‘media’ type jobs these days don’t seem to realise is that they would still be just as stunning if they wore actual clothes. There seems to be an expectation that gorgeous + ‘celebriteee’ = two bits of tit tape and half a dozen feathers. When you’re as pretty as she is, you don’t need stunts to look good.

  3. Post Malone didn’t stand out any more than Ben Harper, Ricky Rebel, or Leon Bridges. I thought last week’s standouts were Cardi B’s recreation of the Birth of Venus (it’s not often I can recommend someone for demonstrating bad taste and creativity at the same time) and Shawn Everett in his ersatz armor and skirt combination (his platform boots deserve a category all their own).
    Have you ever considered devoting one of your weekly efforts dedicated exclusively to ugly/impractical footwear? I’d think the possibilities are, uhhh… infinite.

  4. Joyce W says:

    You’re falling off the wagon as the appalling KK is making repeat appearances… might I suggest you provide us with an actual stunning dress whenever any members of that family seek publicity by showing off parts nobody wants to see? Please?

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