Apparently Boris Johnson could not stomach Mrs May’s Brexit deal that he had apparently agreed to last Friday, saying it would be like trying to polish a turd. And? We had a turd as Foreign Secretary for two years. Johnson resigned on Monday afternoon, joining his fellow Brexiteer David Davis, Minister for Departing the European Union, in departing the implementation of Departing the European Union, stomping out of Government to lie dormant in the political undergrowth until one or the other or both can challenge May for the Leadership. Frankly, WTF will not miss either of them. Johnson is a bloated, bumptious, braggadocios, oaf whose sole interest is himself and the advancement of his career. No wonder Donald Trump praised him and said he would make a great Prime Minister. They are both compulsive liars whose political strategies can be summed up in three words – me, me, me. Johnson was the worst Foreign Secretary imaginable, the very antithesis of a diplomat – loud-mouthed, bombastic, lazy, uninterested in detail and a complete liability. Ask Nazanin Zagari-Radcliffe, who languishes in an Iranian prison thanks to his inability to master his brief. As for Davis, it was unclear to WTF that he knew what his brief was, other than to appear in the media and laugh loudly at his own jokes.
Anyone can oppose something. The trick is to suggest something else instead. Something positive. Something that will work. Neither Johnson nor Davis can explain how we are to sell stuff in Europe if we are not part of a customs union, whether you call the bloody thing a customs union or a union of customs or a customs agreement. As Juliet remarked of Romeo’s name, ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. Neither Johnson nor Davis can explain what is to be done about the Northern Ireland border, as in whether there is to be one, and if so, how it is to be administered and what criteria, if any, will be used to allow people to get from one side to the other. They do not know the answer because these are insoluble problems. The EU does not need us more than we need them. They won’t just roll over and give us what we want, but to walk away without a deal is disastrous. And not only disastrous, but a total contradiction of the promises that everything would easily be agreed and it would be chocolate and cuddles. On the other hand, if we remain tied to Europe, even a little bit, all those people who wanted to reclaim the sovereignty they actually already had will be up in arms. Johnson and Davis did not resign out of principle. Boris would not recognise a principle if it were gnawing at his entrails. They knew that they could not deliver, so they abandoned ship and left May to face the pompous arse that is Jacob Rees-Mogg and the sneering snake that is Donald Trump, who is here on a visit. This is a man who spent yesterday insulting May and referring to the UK as a ‘hotspot’ before flying to dine with her last night at Blenheim Palace, home of the Dook of Mawl-bow-row as CNN insists on calling him. Meanwhile an interview in The Sun, given on Wednesday but published last night, insisted that he had ‘told her how to do Brexit but she did not listen’ and that her version of Brexit would kill any trade deal with the United States. Apparently, they are so thick at the White House that they failed to grasp that an interview published in a Friday newspaper would be available the night before. He is lucky that May did not stab him repeatedly in the arm with a fork as they feasted on whatever it was they were feasting on in the Dook’s house. No jury on earth would have convicted.
There is an old Jewish joke. Hymie dies and goes to Heaven, where he meets God. God tells Hymie that He will grant him one wish because he has been such a good, caring, devout, man. Hymie instantly produces a map of the Middle East from his pocket and asks God to find a solution that would allow Israel and the Palestinians to live in peace. God replies that even though He is divine, the request is just too difficult, even for Him, and so He must decline. However, He gives Hymie another wish instead. Hymie produces a picture of his wife, Hetty. “Lord, he says, Hetty was a wonderful wife to me. I love her devotedly. Her chicken soup was the best in London. But oi, is she ugly. Please, Lord, make her good looking so she can find a nice new husband.” There is a long pause. Then God says, ‘Hymie! Please hand me that map again…..’
And that, Readers, is Brexit.
This week’s fashion follies are a bit sparse. It is summer, people. WTF does the best she can, but she can only work with what there is. Let us start with the afore-mentioned Theresa May and her husband Philip, greeting the Trumps at Blenheim Palace. Who knows who designed her dress. Melania is wearing J Mendel. Rather well.
Just like her policies, May’s dress simply does not fit. Anywhere. Not to mention that she is more hunched than Quasimodo. Is that rear split a not-so-subtle reference to the state of the Tories over Brexit? WTF does not know what was more frightening – Melania’s frozen face or the imminent possibility of glimpsing the Prime-Ministerial posterior. Philip May’s expression speaks for the Nation.
Next, we have singer Lily Allen out and about in Mayfair wearing Ganni and carrying a green Balenciaga bag.
If Kermit the frog went to a fancy dress party dressed as Princess Cadence from my Little Pony, this is what he would look like.
Meet actor Nick Gonzalez at the premiere of Skyscraper.
Nick is lovely but that is a very nasty jacket, like a faded old tea towel, worn with manky jeans and bootees with no relation to anything else he is wearing. Whoever advised Nick on his ensemble needs a slap, a P45 and another slap.
Here is actress Lena Dunham at a beauty event.
Look, it is hard to look good when someone has drawn all over you with a Sharpie. But the dress is unflattering with her nipples likely to make an unscheduled appearance at any time, and the trainers are downright ugly.
Finally, MEP and newly elected Leader of UKIP, Gerard Batten, making an arse of himself at the European Parliament.
There is no nice way of saying this but WTF will say it anyway. Gerard is a twat and he is dressed as a twat and he is doing something extremely twattish involving balloons, having just twattishly attributed the creation of the European Union to the Nazis. The man sitting behind him sums up the situation perfectly. WTF would like to take those balloons and shove them where the sun don’t shine. The jacket is in itself a contempt of Parliament. And if it is is not, then it should be.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Annette, who has drawn attention to these appalling upside-down jean shorts.
Oh for Heaven’s sake, can we stop already with the innovative denim? What is left? Denim tampons? Enough already. It’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your top comments and your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x