In 1967, the Hollies, a popular singing troupe, had a hit with a song called King Midas In Reverse. You get the picture. Unlike the mythical monarch whose touch turned everything to gold, this guy’s touch was less effective. The chorus goes:
He’s King Midas with a curse.
He’s king Midas in Reverse.
He’s King Midas with a curse.
He’s King Midas in Reverse…….
Put an S in front the He’s and this could be Mrs Maybe’s theme tune, because whatever she touches turns to ordure. Item, the General Election last June, when she turned a working majority into a minority, necessitating a shotgun marriage with the Neanderthal DUP and a billion pound dowry. Item, her Party Conference Speech last October, in which she coughed more than Mimi in the last act of La Bohème and was handed a mock P45 whilst the letters behind her spelling out the slogan “Building a Country That Works for Everyone”, slid off the wall randomly like autumn leaves drifting down to earth from dehydrated branches. Item, her Deputy and close friend, Damian Green, forced to resign in December 2017 after lying about porn on his PC and amid allegations of fondling a young lady’s knee. Item, her defending the appointment of sexist, misogynist, puerile prat Toby Young to a position for which he was manifestly unsuited. And now her Cabinet reshuffle, which went seriously tits up.
The point of the reshuffle was to make the Cabinet more feminine, less posh and less old but it started badly and got worse. Tory Central Office announced that Chris Grayling, who would have to improve to be totally useless, was the new Party Chairman. Except that he wasn’t and the tweet was swiftly deleted but only after everyone saw it. Instead, the role went to Ray-Winstone soundalikey, Brandon Lewis, whilst Grayling remains at Transport, the attempt to shift him derailed. Jeremy Hunt, the utterly inept Health Secretary, refused to move to Industry, and ended up with additional responsibilities instead. Only Mrs Maybe could give someone failing in his job even more to do in it, rather than defenestrating him. In contrast, Justine Greening refused to move from Education and ended up resigning, a comprehensive-schooled, gay woman out of the door, whilst hideous persecutor-of-the-disabled, professional Scouser Esther McVey, was brought in. When the dust settled, there were no more women in the Cabinet and as many toffs as before and all the big beasts were still snug in their lair, Boris Johnson at the Foreign Office, the idiot David Davis at Brexit, Philip Hammond still at the Treasury, Amber Rudd at the Home Office. It could not have been more farcical had someone had dropped their trousers outside No 10.
Any one of these matters would be a misfortune, but to have them all happen to her suggests she is indeed cursed. Chaos sticks to her like shit to a blanket. She is a female Job, punishments raining down upon her head, suffering them with the same stoicism as her biblical counterpart and soldiering on. Of course in the end the Almighty rewarded Job with twice what he had before, but only after he had lost everything first. Has Mrs Maybe got the stamina to keep going? Like Job, she is very religious. She will need to be. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed is the name of the Lord.
Our sartorial survey comes from the Golden Globes in LA., where attendees wore black in purported solidarity with women who have been sexually assaulted or coerced by Harvey Weinstein and other starry sleaze-bags. The air was thick with that soapy blend of self-congratulation and gleeful whoop-whoop-whooping which tends to embarrass and annoy the hell out of anyone who is neither a thespian nor an American and the preponderance of black fabric was like watching a couture wake with tits. Fortunately some guests could not resist flashing the flesh, despite the worthiness of their cause. Let us start with actress Halle Berry, wearing Zuhair Murad.
Halle is resplendent in peekaboo lace, bellybutton blast and a minge fringe. Either wear black in solidarity with your wronged sisters or go see-through. But not both. The same applies to the next 2 ladies….
Actress Kate Hudson, wearing Valentino.
Kate, who is putting the globes into Golden Globes, is dressed in an old onion bag and gym knickers. And then there was…
Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones, wearing Zuhair Murad.
Catherine is even more see-through than Halle, only just protecting her modesty with a groin garland.
Former Olympic skater and now fashion pundit, Johnny Weir.
Johnny is wearing a chain mail polo neck and a frock coat (designed for someone a foot taller), bearing a striking resemblance to Mr Sowerberry, the undertaker from Oliver Twist – all he needs is a top hat and a hearse. Although his hair is virtually a top hat in itself.
Talking of Dickens, here is actress Diane Kruger wearing Alexander McQueen at the after party.
Guten Abend, Fräulein Haversham….
Model Barbara Meier, wearing not nearly enough.
Barbara, a former winner of America’s Top Model, ignored the black edict and turned up in a mash-up of Eve in a fig leaf and Joseph and his Coat Of Many Colours. She wrote on her Instagram “If we want this to be the Golden Globes of the strong women who stand up for their rights, I think, it’s the wrong way not to wear any sexy clothes anymore or let people take away our joy of showing our personality through fashion.” Otherwise known as “sod it, I am wearing that dress, ja!”
These two resemble a couple of bedraggled doxies after a fight which neither of them won.
And actress Blanca Blanco, (sort of) wearing Atria Clothing.
Blanca also ignored the dress code, justifying it as follows, “I love red. Wearing red does not means I am against #timesup movement. I applaud and stand by the courageous actresses that continue to brake [sic] the circle of abuse through their actions and their style choice.” Translated as, “sod it, I want my picture taken with my bits out”. Blanca has form, as seen at last year’s Oscars where she wore a dress of her own design and pretended not to know that her pubes were on display. Meanwhile, although criticism is alien to WTF’s nature, Blanca’s breasts are not the only thing tumbling forth – her toes are spilling over her sandals like rafts over Niagara Falls.
We switch to attention to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night where colour was permitted, although actress Elisabeth Moss stuck to black, wearing Erdem.
WTF loves Elisabeth but she does not love this dress, which has seams in the most unflattering places to give her phantom nipples. WTF has long fought a battle against VNA (Visible Nipple Activity) but PVNA (Phantom Visible Nipple Activity) is a new horror for her to contend with.
And finally actress Kiernan Shipka, wearing Delpozo.
Kiernan is 18, not 8, but even an 8-year-old would look absurd in this explosion of sickly pastels and netting. If the Sugar Plum Fairy went to a fancy dress party as Violet Elizabeth Bott from the Just William stories, this is what she would look like.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF of Islington who is fed up, and then fed up some more, with all this talk about Oprah Winfrey running for President in 2020. No-one, not even Melania Trump, hates Donald J. Trump more than WTF but honestly, haven’t we had enough of showbiz personalities playing at politics? Just because Oprah made a storming speech about sexual harassment at the Golden Globes last week does not make her Winston Churchill or even George W Bush. If she wants to get into politics, let her start as a Congresswoman or Senator and learn the ropes. We have had quite enough of amateur dramatics, thank you very much. It’s Got To Go…..
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. You were a bit slow with your comments last week but you still have time to keep WTF happy by sending them in this week. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x