Last weekend, whilst Texas was beset by Hurricane Harvey and then a flood and all things biblical, whilst Texans watched their homes ruined and their possessions bobbing around the living room, whilst brave citizens climbed into dinghies and rowing boats and air boats to rescue their neighbours and their neighbours’ pets, whilst people died, the President of the United States was looking out for them. We know this because he took to Twitter regularly to tell us so. He seemed particularly excited about Harvey’s ferocity and the extent of the subsequent flood, gurgling with excitement like a schoolboy finally allowed to ride the meanest roller coaster ever. And he let us know that as well, tweeting comments of the “Ooh that’s bigly” variety in a fit of digital incontinence, the rectal equivalent of which would compel you to alert the Public Health Authorities. WTF found herself regretting that so many of the Carry On movies were dead because Carry On President would have them rolling in the aisles, Kenneth Williams as the hapless orange POTUS, Charles Hawtree as his sanctimonious Vice-President, Joan Sims as FLOTUS and Sid James as Chuck Schumer. Mitch McConnell could be played by a CGI tortoise. And the double-entendres would be just glorious as the elements did their worst. “Oh it’s the biggest one ever!”, “Hang on love, I’m coming!” and “Just hold on to my rudder.” Ooh Matron!
To cheer up the soaked, homeless Texans, the President continued his “Cor what a whopper” communications all weekend, as if taking personal credit for such historic carnage, interspersed with plugs for a book by a dodgy sheriff, a pardon for an even dodgier, racist sheriff, an attack on NAFTA, calls for the Mexican wall to be built immediately at taxpayers’ expense and an announcement of his forthcoming trip to Missouri where, he told us, he won “by a lot”. There is nothing more likely to console you as you perch precariously on your roof waiting for someone, anyone, to come and save you than the knowledge that Trump did well in Missouri last year. What Trump did not say, whether in a tweet or in a press release or at all, was how sorry he was for those who had died or who had lost friends or family, for the policeman who went to work to help others and drowned, for those who had no insurance and whose lives are ruined. Nothing. Nada. But hey! He won Missouri. By a lot.
Even when he eventually appeared in Austin which, unlike Houston, did not flood, he still offered no sympathy, gave no succour. Instead he crowed at the size of the crowd “What a turnout!” and modelled a baseball cap on sale for $40 on his re-election website. He later tweeted that he had seen the “horror & devastation at first hand”, when the nearest he got to running water was the bathroom on Air Force One. It was Wednesday in Missouri (which he won by a lot) when he read teleprompted expressions of sorrow for the dead and bereaved and Thursday to pledge $1m of his own money but only after celebrities and businesses got there first. This monstrous man has no soul, no empathy, no humanity, someone who uses a disaster to flog caps and boost his ego, someone who wants to cut taxes for billionaires whilst Texas lies devastated. The flood is a fitting metaphor for his Presidency – toxic and out of his depth. Bob Mueller – get a bloody move on.
This week’s review of fashion flops features the stars who walked the Red Carpet at the Video Music Awards, the VMAs, in California. America needed a laugh this week and this lot certainly obliged. We start with hip hop artiste Cardi B who wore something horrible to the VMAs with conical tits and a cape but not nearly as horrible as the thing she wore to the Mayweather – McGregor fight party the night before.
This is ugly, with a faux-cardi (sorry) and encrusted minge. If Yogi Bear went to a fancy dress party dressed as a pole dancer, this is what he would look like.
To the VMAs themselves, starting with Joe Jonas wearing Dsquared.
He looks like an extra in one of those scenes in the sleazy Cuban nightclub in The Godfather 2. That moustache is an It’s Got to Go all on its own.
Actress Vanessa Hudgens, wearing Yanina Couture
Vanessa is wearing the lovechild of a lampshade and a crinoline.
Professional videographer and “life liver” (no, WTF does not know what means), Rory Kramer.
Pillock. That is the mot juste. Pillock. He is ready to serve up burgers in a drive thru’. He has ill-matching sneakers and silly hair. Pillock.
Model and actress, Paris Jackson (daughter of Michael), wearing Dior.
Those J’Adior panties and bra are more ubiquitous than body odour on a rush hour tube train and twice as nasty. They are not improved by nestling beneath a whimsical wisp of fabric adorned with tarot cards like Mystic Meg meets Mata Hari.
Jared Leto was there as one of the members of rock band Thirty Seconds to Mars. Of course he is wearing Gucci.
Harry Potter the boy wizard in a Gucci couture cloak and woman’s blouse. It has now reached the point with Jared where a slap is the only response of all right-thinking people.
Singer Kesha, wearing Monsoori.
Kesha is dressed as a loo roll doll. That is bad enough but something very peculiar is happening in the chest area, like fluffy bunnies’ ears.
Rapper Nicki Minaj, wearing Vex Latex.
Barbie has a bad case of camel toe. Call for the Canesten!
Designer Jeremy Scott , presumably wearing himself, and model Jasmine Sanders wearing Moschino (Head designer, Jeremy Scott).
Jeremy is a gilded space-cowboy whilst Jasmine has come dressed as Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC.
Alternative hip hop artiste (no, WTF does not know what that is either), Lizzo.
Lizzo’s dress says “Truth Hurts”. You took the words right out of my mouth, love….
Finally, former model and current TV presenter Heidi Klum, wearing Peter Dundas.
This is Heidi true to form, namely titsy, tawdry and tacky. The crotch cover is particularly offensive, like a crocheted coaster.
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Ben from Bromley, who is spooked by people unnecessarily invading his personal space in public. Only this week Ben was walking to the station to catch his morning train when he noticed a man walking in parallel step, as if choreographed on Strictly Come Dancing. Ben sped up only to find, to his intense annoyance, that the man similarly sped up and kept in step. Luckily Ben managed to dodge him on the train but the man doubtless did it to someone else at Moorgate. WTF would add that her pet hate on public transport is when she is reading her paper or her iPad only to find other people reading it as well. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in as they make WTF feel cheery and please keep sending your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Meanwhile spread the word to your friends and relations to embrace the blog. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x
Jeremy Scott and Jasmine Sanders look like the intergalactic, extrametallatic digital space cowboy and side kick versions of ‘me Tarzan, you Jane’. Spot on with your appraisal of the man who calls himself President but behaves in the most unpresidential manner. It is beyond shameful.
Don’t know how many more of WTF’s fans live along the Texas Gulf Coast, but I’ve had a somewhat more personal view of the hurricane than most of you (for the record, you’re not missing out on anything).
A natural disaster is a non-partisan activity. I have nothing but praise for the leadership displayed by Texas Governor Greg Abbott (Republican), Houston Mayor Sylvester Turner (Democrat), Harris County Judge Ed Emmitt (Republican), and the people working with them. They had to rewrite the Disaster Response Manual on the fly in the face of a storm that broke all the rules.
When the next election rolls around they will undoubtedly use the hurricane to their advantage, but I won’t care, they earned the right to do that.
The Ubiquitous Orange Presence appeared in Austin, the state capital, one hundred fifty miles west of Houston (they got some rain). He thanked the crowd for coming to see him and left. Kudos to him for keeping his visit brief, for not getting in the way, and for not doing anything to make the situation worse.
Fashion in Houston has been favoring the practical. Cut-off jeans, flip-flops, chest-length waders… It doesn’t really matter. I will not fuss at at the clothing choices of anybody while they are pulling people out of the water.
I have never seen this many monster trucks in one place outside of a trade show. An odd assortment of boats. Never saw an air boat that wasn’t on a TV show about swamps (just for grins, look up the #CajunNavy). Even saw a couple of rafts being pushed/pulled by guys in chest deep water. And this is just what I saw in what were until last week my neighborhood streets.
This being Texas, there is always something a bit different than anywhere else. The pastor of one of the nation’s largest mega-churches, with room for 16,000 worshippers, chose to ignore the flooding for five days until he was embarrassed into opening the church doors as a shelter, saying that nobody had asked him, while a furniture salesman quietly became the unofficial conscience of the city when he turned his 160,000 (no, that’s not a misprint) square foot showroom into a shelter, setting up every mattress that he had in his warehouse on day one when he realized how extensive the flooding was. #JimMcIngvale, aka #MattressMac of #GalleryFurniture, you are a star.
The street in front of my house flooded suddenly and substantially last Friday afternoon. This was not unexpected. It does that often. The water usually recedes in a few hours, never really threatening the houses. This time it rose and fell and rose and fell again. Until early afternoon on Tuesday when it just kept rising.
The short version is that I’m writing this from the backyard of my brother’s house on a mountaintop in Austin. My house in Houston still has water in it, and according to news reports the water level is expected to rise again because more water is being released from one of the two nearby dams.
One more Texas curiosity before I start on the fashions. The neighbor of one of my sisters got bored being trapped by floodwaters with no electricity. He took out his fishing gear and cast it into what had been his street. Caught a good sized catfish.
*After the last week, picking on the stupid things people wear seems silly. So what.
You though there was something peculiar going on in the chest area of Kesha’s dress. I’m willing to look into the issue. I’m filling out my research grant application and I’ll let you know when it is approved. It’s the part about working with human subjects that slows things down.
Heidi Klum is not wearing a crotch cover. That is a codpiece. Somebody should have told her that she still can’t pee standing up, no matter what she wears.
You’re a star Andrew Purcell – very glad you are OK and thoughts with everyone affected – I am contributing to a disaster relief fund suggested by one of my USA cousins – from here in Cornwall there is little else we can do to help other than donate. Harvey will (or should) join Katrina in redefining policy but I fear with the present administration this may not come to pass. I read on Twitter today that there is a call from Sessions(?) to ‘militarise’ the police in the wake of Harvey – as if that will impel the weather to stay back. We are living in a nuts world. I look forward to your comments each week and am just thankful the rain and the flooding have not dampened your spirit.
After the last week I’m accepting all compliments aimed in my direction.
My house seems to have suffered only minor damage, and most should be covered by insurance, but there are thousands of people who have literally lost everything.
Separate topic. The Trump administration announced that it was overturning an Obama era prohibition on transferring military equipment to police departments. Not certain why police departments need machine guns, tanks, and attack helicopters, but the police departments seem to like them.
Vanessa Hudgens hasn’t quite understood how to wear a beekeepers protection hat, that’s all. Maybe she needs a little bit of healthy country life. While we certainly need the honey to manage to swallow that sight, without choking!