WTF British Values Special

Hallo Readers

A few months ago, a letter came to light in the Sunday Times which purported to show that “Muslim extremists” were planning to infiltrate Birmingham schools in a Trojan Horse exercise. As it happens, the Sunday Times’ sister paper the Times came out a few weeks later and showed that it was probably a forgery. This week an OFSTED report into those schools (which are not faith schools) described the largely Muslim pupils being subjected to a culture of gender segregation, fear and intimidation which left them ill-equipped to live in modern British society. Who isn’t? Surprisingly, these schools had received glowing reports a few years ago but were now classified as “failing”, which seems rather convenient. But cometh the hour, cometh the man who would succeed Call Me Dave when it all goes tits up for him at the next election. Education Secretary Michael Gove declared that these schools would have to be rescued and its pupils taught British Values. Which are what exactly?

Last Friday saw the 70th anniversary of D-Day. The survivors were indomitable, modest, humble. They preferred to confer the word “hero” on those who had died on that terrible day. We like to think that their defence of democracy, their courage and humility encapsulate the best of British values. We also like to think that equality, freedom of speech and freedom of religion encapsulate the best of British values. But these qualities involve tolerance of other people’s rights and beliefs, even those you do not share or even like. And it also means equal treatment. WTF is against faith schools – religion should be taught outside schools. She is against girls treated less favourably than boys, whatever religion is (or is not) involved. She is against segregation as to subjects and by seating. And yet for generations, British values have encouraged posh parents to send their children to schools which not only segregate by gender but also by class. And then there are the schools which segregate on the basis of religion, Catholic schools and Anglican schools and Jewish schools. Has there been this fuss? There has not.

So of course our children should be taught fairness and tolerance and respect for all religion and no religion and both sexes and all races and for democracy and the rule of law. But one suspects that when Gove talks about British Values he means the White, Christian, Conservative, conservative, heterosexual, homogenous Britain of 70 years ago.  Britain has changed and British values have to reflect and embrace that change and avoid demonising religion and ethnic minority groups in the name of other people’s freedoms. 

Let us move away from politics and embrace the sartorial silliness of the week, starting with the Tony Awards in New York where we come upon comedian and actress Fran Drescher wearing an extraordinary creation by Mark Zunino.

Sometimes one comes upon a dress so awesomely terrible that there is nothing to do but to gawp like a gargoyle, in this case at a frothy orange creation which makes her look like an overdressed salmon on a bar mitzvah buffet. 

Next we have former Tony winner in 2005 and nominee in 2014, actress Adriane Lenox.

More orange. It is like an orange convention. Whilst the taffeta coat is fine, the shorts and shoes are not. And why has she got a tagine on her head?

Yes rock stars are not supposed to grow old gracefully, but Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler appears to have regressed….

Is he en route to an Ashram? Or the nursery? And what the hell is that cuddly toy?

Still in New York, we see the newly single Jennifer Lopez wearing Emmanuel Ungaro.

Oh dear. Jennifer is doing that “so what if it’s over with the tomboy who has been sexting 2 transgender models, I am still HOT, HOT, HOT” thing that celebs do, known to Mail Online readers as “showing him what he’s missing”. In this case, Caspar is missing his former inamorata dressed as a DFS sofa accessorised with bondage shoes, a handbag the size of Staten Island and a topknot like a poodle’s turd.

This week’s It’s Got To Go concerns self-service tills. Even if they actually worked they would still be a nightmare by reason of those stentorian tones informing the entire store of your unidentified item in the bagging area and making you feel like a fool or a shoplifter. But they don’t bloody work. Your half a pound of butter (unsalted, naturally) refuses to scan whereupon an assistant eventually appears by your side and punches in a code longer than the Gettysburg address whilst the people queueing behind you tut and sigh with open contempt. By the time that palaver is done, a cashier could have swooshed the whole basket through. It’s Got To Go.

And now another newly decoupled celeb, singer Rita Ora wearing Australian designer Jaime Lee.

Like J-Lo, Rita is showing her ex Calvin Harris what he is missing but to be frank, he does not seem to be missing much. There is a great deal of Minge Fringe and much fake hair like the tail on a pantomime horse. Is this really the way to win back your beloved?

We now travel to California and the premiere of a new movie  “Think Like A Man Too” . This is one of its stars, actress La La Anthony.

It would not be unfair to say that this ensemble lacks class. There is a preponderance of tit peeping out of the tit window and double slit genitalia curtains putting horrified onlookers in fear of an imminent Minge Moment as well as giving them an eyeful of her tattooed crotch. And then there is the matchy-matchy gladiatorial metal thingies like Russell Crowe in drag. La La is a close friend of the Kardashians and on this showing they would seem to have a lot in common.


WTF is a battle-hardened old baggage when it comes to shocking attire but when this one was brought to her attention, she emitted a series of shrieks and yelps which reverberated around Islington and nearly caused neighbours to summon the emergency services. This is without question one of the very worst things WTF ever did see in her life. Ready? You won’t be. This is Z -lister and TOWIE “star” Bobby Norris at the beach in Marbella with his thing in a thong.

He appears to have his cock in a sock disappearing up the crack at the back. And he has colour-coordinated his cocktails. His partner Harry Derbidge is wearing a white version of this monstrosity.  You can buy it on the internet for only 22 Euros from French website Inderwear

Why the Spanish police did not arrest both of them for outraging public decency is even more of a mystery than how the garment in question stays on.

Sorry Readers but WTF is too shaken to continue and is off to consult medical professionals. Her health permitting, she will be back next Friday. Meanwhile keep those comments coming in and be good x

This entry was posted in Celebrity, Celebrity Fashion Disasters, Fashion, Fashion Disasters, Politics, Tonys 2014, Uncategorized, Worst Dressed Celebrities and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to WTF British Values Special

  1. Jane Hallett says:

    What has once been seen can NEVER be unseen. Unfortunately.

  2. Laura says:

    Still laughing my head off at the “cock sock” but I found my gaze focussing on his eyebrows, I just can’t deal with men having plucked eyebrows.

  3. The cock in the sock and the thing in the sling…
    Sounds like something from Dr. Suess…
    “Those stars weren’t so big.
    They were really so small.
    You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.”
    -The Sneetches
    Dr. Suess

  4. Alessandra says:

    OMG!!! What a joke, much like the 2 boys wearing them. I bet they’re not cheap either.

  5. Laura says:

    I found the “cock sock” was a bit lacking in content to be honest. Having recently witnessed a real salmon run in Canada I will have to disagree on the description of orange thing in the top photo, more of a fantail goldfish really. All these celebrity marriages breaking up! I never thought the day would come when I would find something to praise Victoria Beckham on but Posh and Becks might be considered a British success story #BritishNouveauValues.

  6. Jane Hallett says:

    But, I do love self service checkouts. Even more fun than playing shop.

  7. Nicola says:

    The cock in the sock brings new meaning to ‘which way do you dress Sirs?’

  8. Rebecca Jay says:

    I vote for Bobby Norris being renamed NOBBY Norris. That is all.
    Horrified of Cornwall can just imagine your shrieks of utter disdain at that sight!

  9. sairsebourke says:

    The truly scary thing about the cock socks is that it is is going to lead to a load of spotty arsed pastey youths replicating the look in magaluf this summer without the necessary grooming.

    • I disagree. This is the funniest thing I’ve seen in years. I’ve been laughing since I saw it at 3:30 this morning. I’ve been happily improvising fairly crude parodies in the style of Dr. Suess about the cock in the sock, the thing in the sling and the dong in the thong crawling up the crack in the back. I’m hoping this does become fashionable. I’ll be laughing all summer.

    • Laura says:

      You mean the “back, sack and crack” treatment?

  10. Joshua LaPorte
    Joshua LaPorte says:

    I just figured the cock socks out. They appear to be wearing a regular string bikini with both leg straps on the same side. Who thinks of these things? I don’t get thongs; never flattering on anyone. This is even worse.

  11. Sally says:

    In defence of Fran Descher I think her frock is just the wrong colour. If that was navy blue or even (at a push) a deep emerald green, it might look vintage and classy. Orange on anything except a Dutch footballer or an orange looks awful.
    As for the ‘cock in a sock’ line – I’m still stitching my sides back together.
    The women they are speaking to in the rear view photo must’ve had sore necks from trying to maintain eye contact at all times.
    I can’t wait to see this round the pool this Summer on my pakcage, all inclusive holiday.
    Just off to book the necessary waxing appointment for him indoors (not)

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