wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Having just completed a holiday in glorious, sunny Cornwall, followed by lovely, sunny Sussex (including a visit to Chichester to see a stonking production of My Fair Lady), WTF can well understand why Prince Harry wants to come back to Blighty. It may not be green at the moment, more a scorched brown, and prone to wildfires caused by morons who would rather see the place burn than forego a badly cooked pork BBQ sausage. But it is undoubtedly pleasant. Besides which, Harry is about as British as you can get, of Royal birth, Eton and Sandhurst, polo-playing, horsey and a man who doubtless enjoys evenings spent among young men of similar upbringing, shouting loudly and throwing bread rolls. And so it is, that despite having relinquished his royal duties in 2020 and moving to California, and despite declaring that he could not envisage bringing his wife and family back to the UK to live, it was announced this week that he is coming back to live in England with his wife Meghan, the Duchess of Sussex, and their children Prince Archie and Princess Lilibet.

As usual, when nobody knows anything, the papers have a lot to say, nearly all of it speculation or fantasy. No one knows where they are going to live, or what they are going to do. It is said that King Charles only found out about the plan on Sunday, that Prince William is hopping mad, that the Duchess has been offered an acting job. Who knows how much, if any, of this is true? It does seem to be generally agreed that it is unlikely that the pair will resume their royal duties, although the Royal Family is a bit short of bodies at the moment, what with the artist formerly known as Prince Andrew exiled to Norfolk and his daughters kept at bay. Will the Sussexes be expected to attend Christmases at Sandringham, or Augusts in Balmoral where you can simultaneously die of cold and be bitten to shit by midges? Can the animosity between William and Harry be resolved? Can any of his family forgive him for his tell-all book and excruciating psycho-babble interviews? And frankly, why would Meghan want to spend any time in those stuffy, snotty. hidebound Royal Households, where everybody carries on as if it is still 1953?

So we don’t know why they have come back, and we don’t know what will happen next. Were they driven out of California by boredom, animosity or failure? Will they get royal protection at public expense? What WTF does know is that there will now be non-stop coverage in every paper of everything they do, and everything they don’t do, and everything the hypocritical and, in some cases frankly racist, media think that they should do, and should not do, and might have done. It will be like the Houses of Lancaster and York all over again, Will’s lot and Harry’s boys, Kate’s crew and Meghan’s mob, competing for the public attention and approbation at a time when most people have bigger fish to fry, like inflation, the cost of living, the housing shortages, climate change, crappy schools, an NHS tottering on the brink, the rise of populism, racism and downright fascism. The circus has truly come to town……

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We begin our review of the week’s calamitous clobber at the Locarno Film Festival with actor Olivia Wilde, wearing Fendi.

If you are going for Empire Line, then make sure that the bodice fits snugly under, and encases, the tits. Think Elizabeth Bennett in Pride and Prejudice. Were her tits falling out? Of course they weren’t. This is not so much a bodice as a toddler’s walking harness. And it is also terribly unflattering.

Next, we are in Los Angeles for the Televerse Festival, where we encounter actor and comedian Jessica Williams, wearing Weiderhoeft.

Who knew that you could buy lace-trimmed, shit-coloured, bin bags?

To Sydney and the TV Logie Awards (John Logie Baird, geddit?), where we come across Australian actor Philippa Northeast, formerly of Home and Away, and now starring in the excellent TV version of My Brilliant Career, wearing Toni Maticevski.  

The kindest thing to say about that bodice is that it is like a frilly fender, protruding away from her person by a good six inches. Meanwhile, given that the lovely Philippa bears a strong resemblance to a young Natalie Portman, if that esteemed actor had gone to a fancy dress party as a pink Christmas tree, this is what she would have looked like.

Also at Televerse was Irish TV personality Maura Higgins, who started off life on Love Island and is now ubiquitous. She is wearing Genny.

Sorry, but this is a lampshade with tits and trousers. That is all.

Still in LA, we are at the première of the new movie Idiots. Here is one of its stars, actor Kiernan Shipka. No-one has owned up to designing this outfit. Good call.

Kiernan came to prominence as Don and Betty Draper’s daughter in Mad Men. She is now 26, but is dressed like Violet Elizabeth Bott in Just William.

This is actor Rebecca Black at a Disney+ event, wearing George Keburia.

Normally, you see those shiny conical things on toecaps, not titties, and the effect is frankly unnerving.

And finally, she’s back! Yes, it’s Mrs Kanye West, aka Bianca Censori, out clubbing with her spouse. Brace yourselves.

Whatever that is, that is not even clothes. And just like the shark-hunters needed a bigger boat in Jaws, Bianca definitely needs bigger straps. MUCH bigger straps. Yurgle. It is like a re-enactment of the eclipse. 

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington, who is fed up, and then fed up some more, with the daily coverage of the bloody Beckhams on their interminable holiday cruising around the Mediterranean. Odysseus took less time to get home from Troy. Every day the tabloids feature purported paraparazzi pics of the doting husband and wife, and their kids Romeo, Cruz and Harper, not to mention Cruz’s girlfriend Jackie, who is ten years his senior. None of these people seem to do a hand’s turn. The pics are more staged than the auditions for Britain’s Got Talent. Most of them feature Victoria, who has clearly not eaten more than three edamame and a slice of salmon sashimi for the last thirty years, wearing skimpy bikins and flimsy, filmy beach dresses. This has been going so long that even the photo agency has run out of new ideas, so that they are now taking pictures of the Beckhams taking pictures of each other, with Mrs B posing for a fake photo of a fake photo, whilst displaying a lot of very nobbly back and wearing poorly designed, overpriced tat of her own label.

I mean, no wonder Brooklyn scarpered. Even the Daily Mail readers have had enough of it. WTF certainly has. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep sending in your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go, and do not stint on the comments either. Let us meet again on Friday 28 August. Be good x