wtffashionshark

Hallo Readers,

Legend has it that King Canute was disgusted by the sycophancy of his courtiers, and their constant assurances that his majestic powers meant that he could do anything he wanted. Canute was a deeply religious man and he knew that only the Lord himself had supreme powers. He therefore ordered everyone to a beach, sat on his throne, which had been schlepped along by his minions, at the waters’ edge and commanded the tide to turn back. Which, of course, it did not, and he got very damp around the ankles. He proceeded to berate his courtiers and told them that only the Almighty had the power to turn back the seas, and that they should stop being so stupid.  He then took off his crown, hung it on a crucifix, and never wore it again. Similarly, the Emperor in the Hans Christian Anderson story was tricked by two swindlers into believing that their cloth was so fine that only intelligent people could see it; he therefore convinced himself that he could see the finest sparkling garments the swindlers pretended to have woven for him. ‘All his attendants, who were with him, looked and looked, and although they could not see anything more than the others, they said, like the Emperor, “It is very beautiful.” And all advised him to wear the new magnificent clothes at a great procession which was soon to take place. “It is magnificent, beautiful, excellent,” one heard them say; everybody seemed to be delighted… and the Emperor appointed the two swindlers court weavers’. 

This week,  members of President 47’s Cabinet lavished him with praise in a manner that would have caused Canute to drown himself and the Emperor to vomit all over his non-existent clothes. The word ‘emetic’ has insufficient nuance. In a carry-on for the cameras which lasted three and a half hours, numbskull after numbskull tried to outdo the other numbskulls in their efforts to assure their boss how wonderful he was. Lori Chavez-deRemer, the Labor Secretary, told him, ‘Mr President, I invite you see your big beautiful face on a banner in front of the Department of Labor because you are really the transformational President of the American worker’.  Steve Witkoff is his property developer and golfing pal who is his Chief International envoy, despite having no experience, not even of any kind, in diplomacy; he admitted that he prepared for his new role by watching history documentaries on Netflix. Witkoff, who is not even in the Cabinet, gushed, ‘There is only one thing I wish for: that the Nobel Committee finally gets its act together and realizes you are the single finest candidate since this Nobel award was ever talked about to receive that award. Beyond your success is game changing out in the world today [sic, or should that be sick?], and I hope one day everyone wakes up and realizes that.’  Not only is this gobbledegook and arrant nonsense, but he compounded it by pronouncing Nobel as in noble rather than Noh-Bel. That is because he is a putz. Kristi Noem, who has the IQ of a pomeranian and hair to match, told him, ‘First of all, thank you for the opportunity to work for you. You made this country safe. You opened up the economy. You enforce the law. Now people can get up and provide for their families and go to work every day and be confident in that’. Noem presides over the Department of Homeland Security, where 400 jobs have gone recently and where she plans to gut the Intelligence staff by 75%. And Brooke Rollins, Secretary of Agriculture, thanked him for saving college football (from trans students) and for re-invigorating Christianity. “The country just feels different. It just feels different. There’s such optimism and love. There’s a faith movement going through—especially with our younger Americans—and for those of us with kids in college, I know we feel it’.  There was more – much more – of this garbage, but WTF is mindful of the fact that many of you will be reading this over your breakfast and you may not wish to deposit it all over the gleaming kitchen tiles or the tasteful maple floorboards.

Of course, 47 lapped it up. He believes it. Hell, they probably believe it. They have been picked for their talent in verbal fellatio and a willingness to do whatever madness they are directed to do. He calls all the shots and they show him deference and fealty. They would not think of contradicting him. Which is why the US is going to hell in a handcart in prime time.

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We begin our review of the week’s abominable attire with singer Meghan Trainor, fresh from losing loads of weight and having her tits augmented.

This falls squarely into the category of ‘just because you can does not mean that you should’. Megan, having shed the pounds with Mounjaro, is keen to show us how slim she now is (Jennifer Hudson went through a similarly annoying phase some years ago), and how titsy she now is (as does everyone who has had their tits pumped with plastic). The results are unappetitising. The tits are absurd, the top is silly and the shorts looks like a silk nappy cover. Meghan, you have done nothing to achieve this new shape, except to pay through the nose for it. Just. Go. Away.

Next to the premiere of the movie Caught Stealing starring Austin Butler and Zoe Kravitz. Zoe is usually swathed in black like a professional mourner, but on this occasion she went for white St Laurent.

It’s a petticoat. End of. And it isn’t even original. Liz Taylor did it 67 years ago in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, only she was wearing hers in the bedroom in an effort to seduce her husband, Paul Newman, who, it is implied, had proclivities in another direction.

This is singer Halsey in LA at the screening of Americana, wearing a Dilara Findikoğlu corset and Roberto Cavalli jeans.

In which Marge Simpson gets her hair cut and wears a corset.

This next one is bad. BAD. Here is former model and personalitee Heidi Klum at the first night of the Venice Film Festival, wearing Intimissimi.

No. Just no. If a prawn went to a fancy dress party as Julius Caesar in drag, complete with exposed hip bone, this is what it would look like. Yurgle.

Now we are at the premiere of Eenie Meanie in Santa Monica. Samara Weaving stars in it and here she is wearing Wiederhoft.

This is excessively vulgar – like a funfair peep-show.

Finally we have ubiquitous personalitee Alesha Dixon wearing Albina Dyla.

This Albina Dyla is a pest. Last week we saw her putting Danielle Brooks  in a corset with a serpent licking her ladyparts. This week, she has dressed Alesha in a corset decorated with the plaited whips deployed by Indiana Jones.

This week’s That’s Not Even a Thing comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington who came across this abomination – the breakfast bagel with egg, bacon and avocado. As a Jew, WTF cannot tell you how appalling this is. First, BACON????? JEWS ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO EAT BACON. It would be like garnishing Friday fish with ham or putting pork into a tagine. And second, in WTF’s view, meat does not go in a bagel, period, although this might be a controversial view. Bagels are eaten with smoked salmon and/or cream cheese and/or tuna mayonnaise. If you want salt beef, you should put it between slices of  rye bread thickly schmeared with English mustard and going heavy on the fat. Popular chef Tom Kerridge has gone even further and recommended a salt beef and cheese bagel. THIS IS A VERY BAD THING. Meat and milk should never be mixed. 

So, the matter is quite simple. A Bacon Bagel Is Not Even A Thing. Never. 

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep sending in your top suggestions for It’s Got to Go/That’s Not Even A Thing as well as your comments, which WTF much enjoys. You can follow her on @wtffashionshark.bsky.social. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x