Hallo Readers,

In 2021, Boris Johnson’s Government appointed former Court of Appeal Judge Lady Hallett to chair a ‘forensic and thoroughgoing’ inquiry into the UK’s response to the Covid pandemic. You may think that this would be a relatively straightforward task, resulting in a report of half a page featuring the words ‘shit-show’, ‘farrago’ and ‘well dodgy’, but it seems that M’Lady is intent upon conducting a thorough and wide-ranging examination into the subject. Setting up such an Inquiry was also a very convenient excuse for the then Government to avoid any immediate explanations and responsibility for the many and obvious failures of judgement, not to mention the then Prime Minister’s absence from duty in February 2020, when he was busy writing a book on Shakespeare, sorting out his divorce from the second Mrs Johnson and lolling about at Chevening, officially the country home of the Foreign Secretary but which he had commandeered while Chequers had the builders in, rather than concentrating on the impending disaster.  The Inquiry is due to start hearing evidence in a few weeks’ time but has just hit the buffers owing to the Sunak Government refusing to provide unredacted evidence to the very Judge the Johnson government had chosen. When M’Lady insisted on receiving what she had asked for by 4:00 pm on Thursday,  the Sunak Government filed an application for judicial review instead, citing some point of principle which nobody fully understands, but which seems to fall into the category of ‘you must be joking, M’Lady, haven’t we been embarrassed enough already?’ To which the answer is no. Not by a long chalk.

The evidence in question consists of WhatsApp messages between Boris Johnson and others various from 2021 onwards. Apparently, Johnson does not have his messages from before that date because something happened to his phone, an excuse used by WAG Rebecca Vardy in her unsuccessful libel action against fellow WAG Colleen Rooney. Only in her case it was three phones. Be that as it may, this Government maintains that the messages are simultaneously irrelevant and that disclosure is contrary to public policy. Teams of rocket scientists are currently working around the clock to resolve this conundrum, although one feels that M’Lady has already guessed that whatever is in those messages is going to show a number of persons in an even worse light than the one in which they currently bathe. In which case, they must be truly appalling, as it is difficult to see how Johnson, Sunak, Matt Hancock and the moron that was Education Secretary Gavin Williamson could emerge as any more inept and pathetic than they already have.  Weirdly, Johnson at first refused to turn over anything at all, then handed what he says is everything to the Cabinet Office on Tuesday and is now offering to hand everything over to M’Lady direct. Which would at least save time and a great deal of money which would otherwise be lavished on M’Learned Friends, who are currently gambolling around the Temple and Lincoln’s Inn Fields in a state of high excitement. And which would allow Johnson a chance to pour buckets of excrement over his despised former colleagues, something both he and we would much enjoy.

So here we are. The Government appoints someone to lead an Inquiry, promises full co-operation and then sues its own Inquiry for demanding the documents it had promised to provide. It is a new low, even for this lot, which is saying quite a lot. 

*********************************************************************

We start our review of the week’s freaky fashion with rapper Bad Bunny, né Benito Antonio Martínez Ocasio, wearing leather and some very silly Balenciaga square-toed boots. Scroll down slowly…. 

Yurgle. They’re hideous. And they cost £700. He could have saved himself a ton of money by buying a pair of flippers in a sports shop.

She’s back! Amazingly, she is fully clothed but she still looks ridiculous. Yes, it’s supposed actor Julia Fox strolling around Paris wearing Liwen Liang.

Although an actor, Julia is principally known for two things; wearing very skimpy clothing and going out a few years ago for about a month with Kim Kardashian’s ex-husband, rapper, designer and virulent antisemite Kanye West. Julia is now saying that she only went out with him to distract people from the Covid pandemic and to do Kim a favour by diverting her ex’s attentions. Sure, love, that was very altruistic of you. WTF is off to contact the Novel Peace Prize Committee. Meanwhile, how does Julia walk in those jeans? They are trailing on the trottoirs and adding to the general impression that she is unravelling, like a knitted octopus. 

Meet actor and singer Shameik Moore at the premiere of Across the Spider Verse wearing a weird ensemble.

What terrible trousers. Not only are they very snug around the goolies but he seems to have tripped over and torn them at the knees. Dismal.

And this is Bad Bunny’s girlfriend, model Kendall Jenner, aboard a yacht in Cannes wearing David Koma.

A dark dress against a dark sky and a darker sea gives the impression that she has a floating pair of tits with poppies for nipples. As we know from Armistice Day, poppies are for remembrance but this is a sight WTF is anxious to expunge from her memory. Permanently.

And here we are at the amFAR Gala at Cannes with singer Halsey, wonderfully named Ashley Nicolette Frangipane by her loving parents, wearing Givenchy.

If a pink gin went to the AmFAR gala at Cannes wearing long black gloves and stilettos, this is what it would look like.

To the Cannes Red Carpet where we encounter Léna Mahfouf, known by her nom-de-You-Tube Léna Situations, wearing Vivienne Westwood.

Vivienne Westwood? Really? Where is the rest of the dress? Léna used this outfit to protest at being body-shamed for putting on a few pounds. She looks absolutely fine to WTF, body-wise, but that does not justify appearing coram publico in a swimsuit with wings like Tinkerbell in cameo.

And finally we have Swedish model Elsa Hosk wearing Viktor & Rolf.

Do not adjust your eyeballs. This really happened. Elsa posed like the model she is (she was also a former professional basketball player) sporting (see what WTF did there?) a spare pair of tits. WTF aficionado K Thomas from the Pacific North West sent this pic to @WTF_EEF on Twitter saying ‘For your consideration. We can’t stop laughing’. And is she wrong?

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from a number of WTF aficionados, including WTF herself. I mean, hands up who is NOT sick to death of the endless saga that is the tale of former sofa-sitters Phillip Schofield and Holly Willoughby of morning talk-show ‘This Morning’, the young bloke Schofield had a fling with and then lied about, former colleagues rabid ranter Dan Wootton and grumpy git Eamonn Holmes, both of whom have not stopped spewing bile since Schofield resigned, some doctor bloke of whom WTF had never heard but who spoke up anyway and every other bugger opining on something we don’t care about.

This has been going on for bloody weeks now, and the weatherman says there’s more to come. WTF even read about in the Washington Post, FFS! Enough! Stop It! Why does anyone watch that drivel anyway? Tune into James O’Brien on LBC. Or take the dog for a walk. It’s Got To Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week.  Please keep sending in your suggestions for It’s Got To Go and your top comments, which WTF likes more than anything and gets upset when they don’t appear. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good .