In Dickens’s Martin Chuzzlewit, Mark Tapley, Martin’s manservant, does his best to remain relentlessly cheerful despite the many vicissitudes which meet man and master. One suspects that even Mark would currently struggle to maintain his equilibrium. War still rages in Ukraine. Here in the UK, the billionaire Chancellor of the Exchequer failed to assist those who have sunk from Just About Managing to Being Unable to Turn on the Heating or to put on the oven to cook a food bank potato. And even when there is good news, the return of Nazanin Zaghari-Ratcliffe after six years of incarceration in Iran, it turns out that a woman not born in the UK, not white and not Christian, will be castigated for failing to show sufficient gratitude for her release.
Zaghari-Ratcliffe did a number of things to offend the gammon. For a start, she looked well. She was not covered in scabies and her ribs were not sticking out. Since the outbreak of COVID she had been under house arrest in her parents’ home in Tehran where she had the benefit of eating properly, adequate personal care and a comfortable bed. Never mind the depression, the nightmares, the years of solitary, the mental torture – her hair was glossy! Second, she dared to contradict her husband who had politely thanked everyone in the UK government working for his wife’s release. Zaghari-Ratcliffe pointed out, ever-so-gently while squeezing her husband’s hand, that there had been five Foreign Secretaries during her stay in Iran and she had lost faith in all of them, given that their promises to her never translated into freedom. For the gammon this was tantamount to pissing on a portrait of Her Majesty the Queen while shouting Allahu Akbar and torturing a cat. Her poor husband! After everything he did for her! What a miserable bitch! He’ll be sorry soon enough, if he isn’t already! And the woman is downright ungrateful! Many of these same people regarded the requirement to wear a mask on the number 15 bus and in Asda as cruel and unusual punishment but find it unreasonable that a woman failed by successive governments, and especially by the man who is now Prime Minister, feels aggrieved to have been separated from her husband and her child for so long when all five foreign secretaries knew exactly what had to be done to free her, namely to pay the debt to Iran owed for decades for equipment it never received.
The hashtags #SendHerBack and #UngratefulCow were soon trending, full of woeful, xenophobic ignorance. It was her fault for going there and she was warned not to go! (Was she?). She’s not even British! (She is). We couldn’t pay the ransom because the EU regulations forbade it! (Rubbish). What sort of mother goes out to a place like that and leaves her child behind? (She took little Gabriella with her). She was a journalist, so what did she expect? (She wasn’t). Never mind that former Foreign Secretary Jeremy Hunt and former Foreign Office minister Alistair Burt both admitted that there was a case to answer on the charges of incompetence and delay – the gammon know better. This brown Muslim woman, with the good fortune to marry a Brit, is an ungrateful cow and should be sent back whence she came. There are times when this country makes you shudder. Even Mark Tapley would be reaching for the sick bucket.
We start our review of the week’s sartorial slurry at the Gibraltar marriage of former boyband singer Lee Ryan (Blue) and his bride Verity Paris. Also present was baby Ryan…..
This was sent in by WTF aficionado Kari Mac who noted ‘It’s lovely to see any happy couple on their wedding day, but I’m not sure why Lee Ryan thought it was a good idea to dress up as Jimmy Tarbuck?’. WTF respectfully disagrees with Kari and is getting more of a Tony-Blackburn-on Top-of-the-Pops-vibe. She does however agree that as an outfit in 2022, nuptial or otherwise, it is the pits; she also notes there is very little room in those trewsies and further she deplores the blushing bride’s fascinator on the basis that all fascinators are an abomination. The family tableau is only saved by the baby, who looks cute….
To the Producers Guild of America Awards in LA where we find actor Kerry Washington wearing Sergio Hudson.
It’s so slithery, with seams where seams ought not to be. If a prawn cocktail went to a fancy dress party as a courtesan, this is what what it would look like.
Here is singer Lily Allen out and about in New York wearing a vintage frock, no bra and black knickers.
WTF says vintage, but in truth the previous owner appears have been Miss Haversham from Great Expectations. And she says black knickers, but in truth she is extremely worried that they might be something else, like over-abundant pubes. WTF has also taken against that smug look on Lily’s face, which is annoying.
Gucci has been going down the pan for some time, and here are two outfits proving that fact. The first is worn by actor Jared Leto at the premiere of his new movie Morbius.
The second is worn by actor Dakota Johnson at the South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin, Texas.
Forget Jared’s ridiculous red lace gloves like Scarlett O’Hara and the rebarbative 1970’s curtain fabric of Dakota’s suit. The real assault on the eyeballs are the horrible external zips on both of them, particularly the bit at the end of Dakota’s which looks like an exposed genital wart.
To the UK premiere of season 2 of the fuckfest that is Bridgerton, the historical romp that is as nonsensical as it is watchable. Sadly, Regé-Jean Page is not in it this season but actor Luke Newton, who plays one of the Bridgerton younger brothers, is. He is wearing something very heinous.
Whoever put Luke into this foulness is not his friend. A shit-coloured brown tux is a criminal offence (and if it isn’t, it should be), especially when worn with a matching wonky bowtie and trewsies made of gold Thai silk like an extra from The King & I. The whole outfit puts WTF in mind of those wedding outfits they make for doggies accompanying their adoring owners to the altar.
Now that Lady Daphne and the Duke of Whatnot have romped off into the hinterlands, the spotlight shifts to Daphne’s brother Viscount Thingy and a new character, Kate Sharma, played by Simone Ashley. Here she is wearing Gucci.
The green velvet pelmet is baffling but not nearly as baffling as the white thing which seems to a serviette which has landed randomly upon her chest and shoulders.
We are now at the Marbella Film Festival where we meet a newcomer, Argentine actor Valentina Zenere wearing not nearly enough.
MINGE!!!!!!!! VULVA!!!!!!!!!! YURGLE!!!!!!!!!!
We are certainly zipping about today. Here we are at the iHeart Radio awards in LA with singer Maggie Lindemann wearing Andre Emery.
See that black mark above her right knee? That is where the hemline should have been. There should also have been more side, more tit-cover and less homage to Raquel Welch in One Million Years BC.
Finally, and horribly, this is singer Halsey “wearing” Andres Sarda.
Oh. My. Gawd. She is making Ms Lindemann look positively overdressed. It is as if Kaa the Snake had dipped himself in silver before crawling all over Mowgli…..
This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Annette via Ange Waters, who sent in this vile excuse for an outfit from “designers” FIERYCR.
It’s on sale!!! If you are completely raving mad with the taste of a washed-up Vegas showgirl, you can now buy it for only $34 99. Or you can send the money to the Ukraine appeal, bleach out your eyeballs and develop some taste. Your call. WTF, Annette and Ange are quite clear on this one. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Please keep those comments coming in as they make WTF cheerier than Mark Taplow. And of course, your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again on Friday – it’s the Oscars edition! Be good x