Inside no 10 Downing Street, it is about as joyful as National Enema Week. For the last ten days, we have been assured that there had been no Christmas party for the PM’s staff on 18 December 2020, when the UK was mostly in Tier 3 lockdown, and that all the rules had been followed. Which they had not been because the rules said that you could not have a party, not even of any kind. Other parties were then disclosed, including one supposedly attended by the PM himself, plus other jollies in his flat. Sadly for Johnson, a video emerged on Tuesday night of his then press secretary, Allegra Stratton, holding a mock press conference three days later, laughingly trying to find an explanation for the party that never happened as in “Hahaha, what shall we tell the stupid people?”. At which point, even most of his ardent supporters spat the dummy. People remembered what they weren’t doing on 18 December 2020. They weren’t having parties. They weren’t eating canapés. They weren’t visiting family and friends. They were worried about either dying themselves or being unable to sit with family and friends who died alone without a chance to hold their hand and say goodbye.
The next morning Sajid Javid, Secretary of State for Health, had been booked in to do the morning auto da fe facing journalists and parroting the party line. But the Saj was going nowhere near a microphone and cancelled, letting it be known that he was washing his hair. Although he’s bald. Johnson however, had no option but to turn up at Prime Minister’s Questions, where he professed himself “shocked” at the video and announced that his Cabinet Secretary would look into the alleged party -although there had been no party. This is like asking the police to investigate a burglary while simultaneously asserting that there was no sign of a break in and that nothing was missing. The Downing Street Press Office refused to confirm whether the Cabinet Secretary had himself attended the non party that had never happened. Johnson graciously allowed a lachrymose Ms Stratton to fall upon her sword before popping up at a press conference at 5 o’clock to announce that everyone should now work from home, wear a face mask and take every possible caution apart from going to Christmas parties, pubs and restaurants, which are all apparently Covid-free zones.
The Tory backwoodsmen were aghast at this threat to their liberty and threatened all manner of rebellion with dark mutterings that the PM had to go. But if they went to bed in a bad mood, they were in an even worse one when they learned that despite the PM’s assurances to Lord Geidt, his ethics adviser – a thankless job if ever there was one – that he did not know which Tory panjandrum had doshed out £90,000 to deck the PM’s flat in gold wallpaper and other such, he had himself contacted the chap to ask for more money. The official explanation for this is that Johnson was unaware this same Lord was the person who had paid the money in the first place. And WTF is the Queen of Sheba’s auntie. The Tory Party was fined £18,000 for not declaring this largesse as it should have done. Lord Geidt is now considering his next move, which, if he has any sense, should be to walk out of No 10 while waving two fingers in its direction. But then if he had any sense, he would not have taken that job in the first place. Oh – and the day ended with the news that Johnson’s Head of Communications, the man who had assured everyone that there was no party on 18 December, not even of any kind, was actually himself there at it.
This is what happens when you elect to the top job a man who has spent his life breaking every rule. The result of his miserable tenure, his lies, his repeated flaunting of the rules and his efforts to excuse the wrongdoing of his pals and lackeys, is that nobody now feels compelled to abide by any rule he lays down. This at a time when the country is in crisis and we need moral leadership for our survival. Let us hope that as 2021 slips away, this useless, preening liar will slip away with it.
This is our last week before the fabled WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2021. We start our review of the fashion flops with proper movie star Meryl Streep wearing Tanya Taylor.
Do you remember the outcry about women going to supermarkets and doing the school run in their dressing gowns? Meryl is too famous to do her own shopping and her four kids are grown up so she saves her dressing gown for walking to TV interviews. What the black tights and red suede shoes have to do the price of fish, WTF cannot say.
Next we are at the MOBO Awards in Coventry (the home town of Lady Godiva) where we find singer Leigh-Anne Pinnock wearing Fruché. This is Leigh-Anne’s second appearance in as many weeks.
‘Tis the festive season and Leigh-Anne is dressed as the lovechild of a lo0 roll and the fairy on top of the Christmas tree, with a side order of Minge.
And also there was singer Tallia Storm wearing Zara.
This is basically a Gucci knockoff as everything from there this year has feathery cuffs, albeit one hell of a lot cheaper, and it makes Tallia look like a secretary moonlighting as a High School cheerleader.
Here we are in LA at the Variety Hitmakers Brunch where we encounter Canadian singer Jenna Andrews wearing who even knows what?
Regular Readers will know that WTF hates a one-armed garment on a dual-limbed person almost above all things. Especially when the garment is a ra-ra version of the foil blankets they wrap you in after a marathon.
Rapper Lil Nas X was also there, wearing Balmain.
If one of Village People went parachuting, this is what he would look like.
To New York and the premiere of “Don’t Look Up”. Meet actor Jonah Hill, one of its stars, and his girlfriend Sarah Brady. They are both wearing Gucci with Manolo Blahnik mules.
Jonah’s chest appears to be both sunburned and tattooed and either is anathema in WTF’s book. In the circumstances, Jonah should have been showing less cleavage than Sarah and not vice versa. The matchy-matchy is vomit-making and they resemble the cabin crew on Bangkok Airways. I’ll have the green curry, please!
Our final stop is at the British Independent Film Awards in London and actor Catriona Balfe wearing Alexander MacQueen.
Why has she got a raven on her shoulder like the character in Assassin’s Creed Valhalla? And a very hungry raven at that, as its seems to have taken several bites out of her jacket….#baffled
And finally, continuing her desire to look edgy, we have The Crown actress Emma Corrin wearing Marco Ribeiro.
There is edgy. And there is ‘Fuck Me, You’re Joking’. The colour is really, really horrid and the polite comment for the, ahem, aperture is that it looks like a puckered arsehole. And no, you are not getting a picture.
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Gita (@MsAlliance) who is much affronted by Boris Johnson’s latest dressing-up outfit, which he dons as an excuse not to do any work. She tweeted @WTF_EEK (look, we’ve had this conversation before, get following me) noting “odd outfit for a man with an aversion to condoms”. When WTF asked whom she meant, she replied “That tosser. The Crime Minister. In a police beanie”.
The next day, Gita tweeted to WTF- “re That Tosser’s get-up yesterday. I’m certain he’s nominated for It’s Got to Go every week for obvious reasons but please, please, can we have him in this week?” We can. He either needed a bigger stab vest or a smaller stomach and that beanie is like a soufflé on steroids. It’s Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Send in your suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your very top comments. Let us meet again next Friday for the WTF Christmas Turkey Poll 2021. Be good x.
Oh no! Not Meryl Streep! Say it ain’t so.
As for BoJo, is there any hope of ever actually getting rid of him? Having him retire to private life, never to be seen or heard from again? No, right?