Hallo Readers, 

The Independent Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards found that Owen Paterson MP had lobbied Ministers a dozen times while receiving fistfuls of wonga from two companies whose interests he was pursuing. She referred her adjudication to the Committee for Standards which has MPs of all parties on it and which upheld her finding. Despite the fact that he was bang to rights, Paterson maintained he had not been given a right of appeal (although you might think that the process before the committee was an appeal from the Commissioner). A motion was tabled to suspend him for thirty days, whereupon Andrea Leadsom, his former Cabinet colleague, proposed an amendment to suspend the suspension and instead to appoint a new committee with a Tory majority, chaired by former Media Minister, John Whittingdale MP. This committee would “overhaul’ the whole process with retrospective effect. Tory MPs who baulked at this bare faced corruption were threatened with having money withheld from their constituencies and subjected to a three-line whip. The amendment passed, albeit narrowly, with Paterson voting to exonerate himself. Nine Tories voted against the amendment and many others abstained. One abstainer was immediately  sacked as a Parliamentary Private Secretary. Paterson then popped up on TV, saying that he would do the same again.

All hell broke loose. Opposition MPs declared a boycott of the new committee. The Daily Mail went mental. Those Tories who had voted for the motion, some of whom had had their own collar felt by the Commissioner (including Whittingdale, who had failed to declare a paid-for trip to the MTV awards in Amsterdam with his then-girlfriend, a professional dominatrix), were bombarded with protests from outraged constituents. Leader of the House Jacob Rees-Mogg announced a U-Turn faster than the one performed by Steve McQueen in Bullitt. Moggy told the House that the vote the previous night had caused ‘a certain amount of controversy’, which is like saying that the Blitz had caused a certain amount of damage to London and Londoners. The kangaroo committee was thus disbanded before it had ever met and there would now be bi-partisan changes without retrospective effect. In addition, a vote would be taken on the original motion to suspend Paterson. No one had actually told Paterson, who learned of  it when a BBC reporter phoned him as he was in a supermarket. He promptly resigned, citing the ‘cruel world’ of politics and MPs who had mocked the suicide of his wife the previous year (which nobody had). Oh, and the PPS got her job back before her nameplate had ever been removed from her desk.

To climb down within twelve hours is a rank humiliation, even for this lot. It started because Boris Johnson, himself a past and possible future subject of the Commissioner’s intentions, decided to save Paterson from censure, wheeled out the heavy ammo to enforce it and then ran away when the shit hit the fan. Again. In doing so, he left casualties in the slipstream. Paterson himself. Those Tory MPs who did as they were told, all for nothing. Smoothiechops Kwasi Kwarteng, the Business Secretary, wheeled out to do the morning media interviews, who suggested the Commissioner should ‘consider her position’, only to return to his office to discover that, er, the message was no longer operative. And the growing perception that this Government is sleazy as hell. Abject.

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We start our survey of the week’s sartorial slops with Boris Johnson at COP26 in Glasgow looking like a sack of shit.

We are used to him looking appalling. It would be more of a surprise if he were to look reasonable. But this is beyond anything. He looks like Benny Hill. And it is a good thing that Benny Hill is no longer with us, or he would sue.

Next up, we have actor Jennifer Tilly at the 46th Academy of Science Fiction Fantasy & Horror Awards in LA, wearing Iris van Herpen.

You have heard of the Dance of the Seven Veils. Well, this is  the Prance of the Seven Ascot Hats, all worn on top of each other. And it is very, very weird…

Still in LA, we find a newcomer to these pages, Australian actor Kodi Smit-McPhee wearing Gucci at Gucci’s ‘Love Parade’ fashion show in LA, where famous persons showed off the season’s wares.

WARNING – SUNGLASSES REQUIRED!!! AND HEDEX!!!

If a young Jacob Rees-Mogg went to a fancy dress party as a set of 1970’s curtains, this is what he would look like. And why is he wearing a Germolene pink shirt and a giant maroon bowtie? Yurgle….

We move on to find singer Mabel wearing a Statnaia corset and Wesley Harriott bodysuit. 

Mabel is very pretty and sings well but that does not excuse her parading about like the contents of a giant shredder with a side order of tits.

This is actor Dan Levy on Jimmy Kimmel, wearing Valentino.

As a Marks & Spencer TV food ad might say, these are not just pyjamas. These are Valentino pyjamas. They are certainly striking but he could have got his jimjams from ASOS for £39 and given the rest to charity……..

Ah! Bless her! I refer to actor and presenter Whoopi Goldberg wearing Christian Siriano.

Stone The Crows! It’s a remake of Mary Poppins! All she needs is an umbrella and someone who can do a cockney accent better than Dick van Dyke (i.e. anybody, anywhere, ever). 

This is fabled designer Vera Wang wearing Vera Wang and we are back to Physician, Heal Thyself!

Vera is in her 70s but looks more like someone six decades younger peeking out of a kiddie’s mosquito net…

And finally, we welcome back actor Bella Thorne wearing not enough.

We all have those bad days when your trousers do not do up or your waistband feels like a tourniquet. However, WTF suspects that Bella is more likely to be playing peek-a-boo minge. She is also struggling to understand the pearly white boobies…..

This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado Julie from Wales who has been disgusted by the gas-guzzling gonzos from across the world who descended upon a waterlogged Glasgow to save the planet.

Amongst them was Julie’s pick, gazillionaire Jeff Bezos, who flew in on his $48m Gulf Jetstream and then fondly reminisced about his utterly pointless trip into Space, the combined cost of which could have paid for an awful lot of insulation. However, WTF gives a dishonourable mention to Boris Johnson, who flew back to London on a private jet in order to have dinner with a load of right-wing toffs at the Garrick Club. It’s Got to Go.

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Send in your suggestions coming in for It’s Got To Go, not to mention your very top comments. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x.