Look, WTF is not going to beat around the bush. Britain has become an international laughing stock. And an object of pity. And a subject of bewilderment. You hardly dare answer FaceTime or WhatsApp calls from incredulous friends abroad, knowing that you will be called upon to explain why our per capita death rate is the highest in the world. Not that it takes very long to explain. All you have to say is that our Government is a shit-show; that everything has been too little, too late, badly explained and ill-defined; that cronyism runs rife with people getting contracts for no obvious reason other than they went to school with someone in high places; and that parts of the population, whether out of stupidity or boredom or sheer bloody mindedness are STILL going into shops and on buses and into friends’ houses without masks. Then add that we are now engaged in man to man combat with the EU about who gets what vaccine – apparently getting your order in first does not cut it with Ursula Von Der Leyen -and the situation is bad and getting worse. The schools are closed until at least 8 March because teachers are not regarded as priority recipients for vaccines; high streets presage the future and are deserted; people are despondent and pissed off. And now we are taking steps to stop people going abroad, and people from abroad from coming here, making them quarantine in some ghastly hotel at their own expense. Ten months after other countries did it. The only wonder is why on earth anyone would want to come to the UK at all, risking life and limb as we paddle aimlessly in a sea of ineptitude. Perhaps they have a death wish. Or don’t fancy a trip to Dignitas.
The worst part is that Government Ministers keep telling us that they are working very hard and that Boris Johnson, a man who makes Coco the Clown look like Winston Churchill, has been working harder than anyone. First, it is their job to work hard. Second, they have not been working hard enough, and, in any event, the fruits of their labour are of the poorest quality. Third, Johnson has never worked hard in his life except when planning his next shag. Let us not forget that eleven months ago, he was AWOL for a fortnight, finally emerging from the country to attend a Tory fundraiser. He has performed more flip-flops than the Moscow State Circus and no doubt there are many more to come. In the mean time, we must suffer the daily horror of the statistics and the sneers of commentators on CNN – and stay away from the phone.
We start our survey of the week’s sartorial shitpile with TOWIE personage Gemma Collins wearing who knows what in a guest appearance on TV skating extravaganza Dancing on Ice.
Er, what? If Brünhilde went to a fancy dress party as a mermaid, this is what she would look like.
Next up we have actress Sarah Jessica Parker wearing who knows what and shoes from her own shoe collection SJP by Sarah Jessica Parker, seen here in her flagship in New York.
WTF is uncertain what SJP is wearing. Are they knickerbockers? Are they ordinary trousers rolled up to look like knickerbockers? Be that howsoever it may be, they are horrendous, as are the frightful woollen socks. Naturally gamine, she looks like a toddler…..
We now encounter actress Lily Collins wearing Prada while promoting her new movie Mank. Scroll down slowly…..
Lily is actually very good in Mank, but despite the loveliness of the shirt, the skirt is more Wank the Mank, resembling an embroidered swishing spider. It is enough to give you arachnophobia. Fab hair and makeup though….
Here is a WTF regular, sort-of-actress Phoebe Price out and about in LA.
This is Puss in Boots goes pole dancing, and that belt is plain vulgar.
Right, now this one is BAD. WTF speaks of celebritee son Brooklyn Beckham showing off his newest tattoo. Have a receptacle handy. Really.
Young Brooklyn has just got engaged to Nicola Peltz, an actress and the daughter of Nelson Peltz, a billionaire buddy of former President Orange. Nelson has been married three times and has sired ten children, which might perhaps explain the somewhat needy tone in Nicola’s love letter to her fiancé, signed ‘from your future wifey’. So touched was Brooklyn by this epistle that he had the whole lot tattooed on his back. As you do. Let us pray that the marriage (which has been budgeted at $10m) (i) takes place and (ii) stays the course, otherwise young Brooklyn will be having an awful lot of very painful plastic surgery.
This is British singer Dua Lipa, wearing Rui Zhou.
The word ‘wearing’ seems to be a trifle optimistic as there is not much of Dua’s outfit, which seems to be the lovechild of a crocodile and some peeling plaster. She has a great body, but she appears to have developed a bad case of minge mould….
Finally, we have rapper Cardi B wearing a ‘dress’ by Pierre-Louis Auvray. Take care now…..
Dear God, what is happening? And why is it happening? That is just downright offensive. WTF is off to rest her retinas ……
This week’s It’s Got to Go comes from WTF aficionado WTF of Islington who has taken against QAnon newly-elected Georgia GOP Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene.
This hideous woman not only believes (or, as she would have it, believed) that Washington is run by cannibal paedophiles, but that the school shootings at Sandy Hook and Parkland were fake, staged by people paid by George Soros. She has also liked Facebook posts calling for the death of prominent Democrats and has defended the insurrection at the Capitol. She has been busily deleting most of her posts in her social media accounts in these past few days and little wonder. Meanwhile lickspittle asshole Kevin McCarthy, the GOP Leader in the House of Representatives, has put her on – wait for it – the Education and Labour Committee. She is awful. He is awful. Actually, they have both Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in as they keep WTF chipper, and don’t forget your splendid suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again on next Friday. Be good and stay safe.