Rather like Cameron and Piggate, the truth of the lurid allegations concerning President-Elect Trump is almost irrelevant. Schadenfreude is a basic human right and since every other human right is currently under attack, we have to cling on to those we are still able to enjoy. Whether Trump once paid Russian scrubbers to piss on each other and/or him is not the point. In fact, given the racist, mendacious campaign that got him elected, the fact that it is probably untrue makes the allegations all the more enjoyable. Almost as enjoyable as the outrage with which Trump and his team denounced the “fake news” as if he were not the man who repeatedly quoted a “very reliable source” that Barack Obama was not an American citizen and came to the US as a foreign student; the man who asserted that Hillary Clinton was a criminal who was going to jail; and the man who is generally incapable of distinguishing between the truth and his left buttock. (What actually is between his left buttock and his right buttock appears to be the appalling Piers Morgan, whose unswerving devotion to the orange-coloured buffoon is just plain embarrassing. Nearly as embarrassing as WTF aficionado Yvonne Ridley having to explain to her nonagenarian mother what a golden shower is. WTF would have paid good money to have witnessed that one…..)
Golden showers aside, this is no laughing matter. In seven days, Donald J Trump will be the 45th President of the United States and every day that passes would dent even the optimism of M. Pangloss and his cheery motto of “all is for the best in the best of all possible worlds”. He has the attention span of a gnat with ADHD, the spite of a petulant teenager (when attacked by Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes for mocking a disabled reporter, he retaliated by tweeting that she was “the most overrated actress in Hollywood”) and the vocabulary of the game show host he once was (everyone he likes is “fantastic” or “very, very brilliant”). He can barely string a sentence together. His Press Conference on Wednesday was an excruciating blend of arrogance, ignorance, incoherence and bullshit. He would “be the greatest jobs producer that God ever created. And I mean that, I really — I’m going to work very hard on that”. He denied consorting with paid ladies because he is a “germophobe” although his germophobia is at odds with his boasted practice of approaching total strangers and kissing them – and more. He seemed to defend the Russians even through they had blatantly hacked into US computers and helped propel him to victory. He compared his Intelligence Services to Nazi Germany. His closeness, some might say indebtedness, to Putin was an asset, not a liability. And if they didn’t get along – well, he would be tougher on him than Clinton would ever have been. (This put WTF in mind of a boast her uncle once made to her father namely, “If I could swim, I could swim better than you”. Only he was 11 at the time and not 70). His explanation of how Mexico will pay for the Wall? “Mexico in some form, and there are many different forms, will reimburse us and they will reimburse us for the cost of the wall. That will happen, whether it’s a tax or whether it’s a payment — probably less likely that it’s a payment. But it will happen”. His failure to produce his tax returns? They don’t tell you anything, apparently. Only they do. Like whether you pay some. And how much. Meanwhile, the Senate is hearing from a bunch of Neanderthals whom Trump has appointed to his Cabinet, many of whom would be quite at home on Planet of the Apes.
So as the Inauguration approaches, with its promised “soft sensuality” (as another WTF aficionado Joshua LaPorte pointed out “soft sensuality” sounds like a brand of condoms), WTF has switched from anger and disbelief to fear, loathing and trepidation. Because if Trump is even 10% as evasive, delusional, vengeful and dishonest as he came across this week, the next four years and maybe, Heaven forfend, eight years are going to be a catastrophe.
Talking of the Golden Globes, it is time to cast an eye on the sartorial shockers of that night, starting with actress Nicola Peltz wearing Alexander Wang.
Alexander Wank has given us a pink bra behind a mesh tit window in a studded leather harness and an oh-so-boring-I-could-die sheer skirt, striped like a demonic barber’s pole.
Actress Anna Kendrick wearing Vionnet.
The problem is the tit sling which has knocked everything off kilter so that in a seismic shift, Anna’s breasts appear to have moved to the left of where breasts are usually to be found. The effect is rather like one of Picasso’s cubist paintings.
Actress Anna Chlumsky, wearing Roland Mouret.
More wonky boobs. Is this the newest fashion trend for 2017? Whoever is dressing Anna deserves a slap, a P45 and another slap. First there was the horror of her Emmys dress and now this, making her chest resemble a couple of lopsided hillocks.
Actress Jessica Biel, wearing Elie Saab.
Rather than sewing on all those little children’s stickers, maybe Elie could have used some of the thread to finish the skirt. And a little more fabric on the bodice….
Model and actress Emily Ratajkowski, wearing Reem Accra.
Reem Accrid strikes again with this slithery concoction but the main culprit is Emily, who is knock-kneed and flashing both her mammaries and her drawers like a naughty schoolgirl.
Actress Michelle Mitchenor, wearing who knows what.
She is wearing Mickey Mouse ears as a top and a most ill-advised pair of trousers like elongated boxing shorts and designed for someone six inches taller. The only knockout here is the one that should be aimed at the unnamed designer.
Pointless reality star Kylie Jenner, wearing Labourjoisie.
Actor Cuba Gooding Jnr, wearing something way too small.
The jacket itself is fine. It is just that Cuba needed to go two sizes up. Here is a WTF Golden Rule. If your jacket is buttoned up and you can see shirt between the last button and the trousers, the jacket is too small for you or you are too big for it. Or both. At the afterparty Cuba (clearly the worse for wear) removed his jacket and put a KFC bucket on his head. And he looked better.
Actress Sophie Turner, wearing Louis Vuitton. Louis Vuitton!
WTF does not even know what this is but it is a bilious bucket of bad, bits of this and that and not enough of anything.
Finally, actress Nicole Kidman, wearing Alexander McQueen.
WTF read an article about Australian designer Alex Perry, who was over in LA hoping to tempt Nicole’s stylist with a couple of beautiful black dresses for the Red Carpet. This was WTF’s favourite of the two.
Instead, Alex was knocked back in favour of a creation that made Nicole appear to be standing in the shower whilst wearing water-wings.
AND NOW THE WINNER OF THE WTF CHRISTMAS TURKEY POLL 2016 IS….
Internet sensation Baddie, 88, was initially languishing in third place but leapt into the lead in the second week of voting and stayed there with a clear lead over rapper Brooke Candy (second) and titsy moron Chloe Goodman, third. Baddie shows that age is no bar to bad taste. A most distinguished winner.
This week’s It’s Got To Go is courtesy of WTF aficionado Sir William Nicholson who complains about those airport roped chicanes constructed so that people can stand in an orderly line. Or something. Only often there are no people and yet passengers are still compelled to zig-zag through these lanes like bemused visitors to the Hampton Court maze, walking half a mile to go 100 feet. It’s Got To Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It’s good to be back. Keep those comments coming in as well as your excellent suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x