Many of us probably chose badly at University where sexual liaisons were concerned but at least our partners were human and still breathing. David Cameron would not be the first Oxbridge student to get a blow job at a posh dinner but according to a new book by former Tory Deputy Chairman Lord Ashcroft and former Sunday Times journalist Isabel Oakeshott, whilst at an initiation ceremony for the notorious Piers Gaveston Society, our PM put his penis into the mouth of a piggy that had previously passed away. (Piers Gaveston was Edward 11’s favourite and was stabbed by two Welshmen who then beheaded him. This was a better end than Edward’s, namely a red hot poker up his, er, end. But I digress). An apple is the usual decoration for a porcine mouth, not an appendage, even in today’s poncy gourmet excesses and while a pig in a poke is one thing, a poke in a pig is quite another. WTF doubts the story is true because (i) there was no need for anyone to insert their member into an animal because the Society had no members and therefore no initiation ceremony and (ii) Oakeshott claims “an MP” told her that he had seen a photograph but she didn’t know if it was true and the book concludes “Perhaps it is a case of mistaken identity” although whether of Dave or the pig is unclear. But the tale is so enjoyable that everyone wants to believe it. As Gwendolen remarked in “The Importance of Being Earnest” when asked if she believed Jack “I have the gravest doubts upon the subject. But I intend to crush them. This is not the moment for German scepticism”.
Why is everyone enjoying this so much? Because Dave is a snotty, snobby toff who never quite lost his bullying, public school swagger. Everything about him screams privilege – Eton, Oxford, the Bullingdon Club, the Chipping Norton Set, the aristocratic wife, the barely concealed sneer and the lack of interest in ordinary people. So whilst it is improbable that he got head from a hog, it knocks the stuffing out of him and takes him down a pig or two. As for the drugs and womanising allegations, WTF could not care less. There is however a serious issue here, Lord Ashcroft himself. Ashcroft poured gold into the Tory coffers, lots of it and was an active fund raiser. In 2009, doubtless as a thank-you, he was made a peer even though he was a non-dom and had a home in Belize. Dave denied this at the time, something Ashcroft now says he knew to be untrue. That a donor, domiciled or otherwise, should receive a peerage at all is outrageous and one of Dave’s least endearing traits is cramming the House of Lords with those whose only contribution to Society is funding his party. Ashcroft’s main gripe (and clearly the raison d’être for the book) is that he says Dave implied he would get an important position after the Election and then reneged on it, only offering him a job as a junior whip (he declined). Ashcroft seems to think he was entitled to a place in the Cabinet. WTF would rather have seen the deceased pig with a political portfolio….
We start our survey of the week’s sartorial pigsty with pointless Z lister Charlotte Dawson wearing ReneK Couture and Louboutin hooves.
Pubes and custard. Put it away love. Lose the shoes. And go away.
We pop in to the San Sebastien Film Festival and the premiere of High Rise where we encounter lissom actress Sienna Miller wearing Galvan.
This is an ill-fitting nightie. Sienna could have an extra pair of tits and the bodice would still be too big plus there is a tide mark from the rain because it is too long. For £780, one is entitled to expect more or you might as well buy Rosie for Marks & Spencer.
Off we go to Hollywood and the Emmys, the TV Oscars, where the Red Carpet was abounded with overpriced designer tat. We kick off with musician Joanna Newsom, who is married to one of show’s presenters Andy Samberg, wearing Delposo.
This is extremely weird, a cross between period costume and an old fashioned dressing table. And what’s with the Queen Victoria hairdo?
Next we have Orange is The New Black‘s Dascha Polanco wearing Leanne Marshall.
Quite apart from the fact that lovely Dascha is in grave danger of an imminent tit tumble, neither the dress nor the pose is doing her any favours and those sandals are at least a size too small. Her feet must still have the indentations.
This is young Mad Men actress Kieran Shipka wearing – wait for it – Christian Dior.
WTF is loathe to criticise a teenager but honestly…. she is looking very pointy and there is more than a touch of Lolita about the whole getup. What is Dior doing? And what is that dress/trouser thing about?
Talking of Mad Men, here is Christina Hendricks wearing Naeem Khan. Happily she has gone back to being a redhead after a most ill-advised flirtation with blonde.
Christina is beautifully curvy but this is not flattering her. Naeem seems to have inspired by those medieval studded doors. It is all very Games of Thrones and not in a good way.
This is Homeland’s Nazanin Boniardi wearing Stéphane Rolland.
Yet another dress that doesn’t fit properly and the illusion panel is a bit rubbish. Is Nazanin waving the white flag? She should be…
You would not expect an Emmys roundup without The Good Wife‘s Alan Cumming, would you? Here he is wearing Vivienne Westwood and – yikes – Crocs!
WHAT ARE THOSE TROUSERS???!!!??? They are amongst the silliest trousers ever in the history of ever. The crotch is halfway to his kneecaps and the bagginess and brolly combo is pure Charlie Chaplin. Only he was doing it as a joke. What about Alan and Dame Viv?
This is American Horror Story’s Naomi Grossman wearing Jun Escada.
Naomi has form for sheer shockingness and like a dog returning to its vomit, she was bedecked in this horrible peekaboo thing with snatch-strap. She looks like a see-through Friesian cow.
Meet British actress Christine Marzano, girlfriend of Stephen Marchant of The Office and Extras fame wearing Labourjoisie.
Has Christine got stuck in a cobweb? This is the ultimate Minge Moment dress but Labourjoisie seems unable to create any other sort of attire. Remember what he did to Britney Spears at the VMAs…
Finally we have Heidi Klum wearing Atelier Versace.
Even by Versace’s subterranean standards, this is a shocker. It is as if a feral dog attacked Heidi in her negligée and bed-jacket. On this evidence, the dog appears to have been the victor by a knockout.
This week’s It’s Got To Go is Spanish scumbag Diego Costa who plays for Chelsea and is paid £7.8m a year. Last Saturday Costa put his hand in the face of Arsenal’s Laurent Koscielny (scratching him), pushed him over and then engaged in afters with another Arsenal player, Gabriel. Idiot ref Mike Dean gave both Costa and Gabriel yellow cards. Gabriel stupidly aimed a flick kick at Costa which did not connect, at which point Costa went whimpering off to the ref like a schoolboy whining to teacher. Gabriel was sent off and Arsenal lost 2-0. The FA has since rescinded Gabriel’s red card and banned Costa for three games as Dean did not see the scratching incident. WTF observes that (i) Chelsea’s three points will not be rescinded (ii) This is the second time Costa has been banned on retrospective video evidence and (iii) Mike Dean needs to go to Specsavers. And his linesmen. They have all Got to Go.
OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. There were loads of comments last week which cheered WTF up no end and took her mind off Arsenal and the torrential rain. Keep them coming and your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go and let us meet against next Friday. Be good x
Kieran Shipka’s outfit clearly started off without the trousers but her mum and dad intercepted her before she got in the limo and said she was grounded unless she covered herself up. The trousers were the only clean thing on the bedroom floor.
I couldn’t find a “like” button so I had to improvise.
“…the only clean thing on the bedroom floor.”
The test of Piggate will be whether Call Me Dave sues. If he doesn’t, well…
I’m inclined to believe it anyway, because Dave is a slimeball. And I want to know who was holding the deceased’s head?
I don’t normally defend anyone who appears here as normally they totally deserve your absolute derision. However I think Siena Miller was just unfortunate with the light and camera angle. Rain soaked – well that’s not exactly her fault and her delicate necklace had just broken, poor love…I think she was putting on a brace face.
As for your pig in a poke, poke in a pig copy – hilarious and brilliant and on point as ever! 🙂
I really don’t think it’s the angle, it’s the fit. and the tide mark is because, like most borrowed dresses, it’s too long…. x
I’m with Ms RJ. Sienna Miller looks fine to me….but then again, OK, Sienna Miller would look fine to me dressed in a sack and 2 paper bags.
“see-through Friesian cow.” Tough but well deserved…
There aren’t many people who can use a quotation from “The Importance of Being Earnest” to explain the appeal of Piggate.
Of course I’d love to hear what Oscar Wilde would have to say about Piggate. I can just see him explaining his idea for a new play to his publisher who responds “You want to write a play about a Prime Minister who does what to a dead pig?”
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx love it. And that the shadow minister for farming is a vegan.
Kieran Shipka looks like her parents have also made her wear her vest, but she made it `off the shoulder` after she left the house. I’m not sure what Charlotte Dawson is for, but daddy would have been so proud. Love the idea of a see-through Freisian cow. Another great selection.
I’m ashamed to say I have a photo of myself standing in the same pose as Keiran Shipka. Mind you, I was about 4 years old and dressed by an Irish mammy. Not sure what Ms Shipka’s excuse is.
I have never seen Alan Cumming looking like anything appropriate. So glad he hasn’t broken that tradition yet. And the Dior–what IS with the dress and trousers combo??? The too-tight sandals on whats-her-face look terribly painful. I would have loved to have been present at that Piggate party…