WTF Hold the Front Page Special

Hallo Readers,

This week, the press has been full of the usual celeb shagging nonsense. A has been nobbing B. C has been sexting D. Blah, blah. One story about a ghastly TV presenter, his boring wife and a glamour model has occupied The Sun for days. But it appears that the newspapers may have sat upon an extraordinary story and for purely selfish reasons. Read on.

Last weekend,, a crowd-funded journalistic website, alleged that the Secretary of State for Culture, Media and Sport, John Whittingdale MP, had enjoyed a year-long relationship with a dominatrix called Olivia King. Whittingdale, who is divorced, is one of those florid-faced Tories who could be any age between 45 and 65 but is in fact 56. King is much his junior and is usually pictured in black leather and a great deal of glossy lipstick. The lovebirds have been photographed together hand-in-hand and she accompanied him to the MTV awards in Amsterdam. As WTF remarked on @WTF_EEK, this is rather like taking coals to Newcastle, but there you are. Whittingdale is also alleged to have taken King  to the House of Commons for a New Year’s Eve Party. One MP is quoted as saying that he knew she was a prostitute and when asked how he knew, he replied it was because she handed out her business cards. Whoops.

Now there will be some who say that if the story is true, Whittingdale is entitled to do as he likes and he did nothing illegal. As friend Tony remarked, “If he wants to go home after a boring day and get a slap around the chops from a bird with big boobs, so what?”. WTF does not share that view. If true, she would find it wrong that someone who opposes sexual freedom for others (he has consistently voted against gay rights and same sex marriage and for the old section 28, prohibiting promotion of homosexuality) would be happy to keep company with a dominatrix, at least unaccompanied by a public declaration of his own tastes. Nor is WTF in favour of prostitution, which reduces someone, be they male or female, to a commodity to be bought and sold for other people’s pleasure.

The public have hitherto not heard these allegations. The late, lamented Independent was going to publish a story but the Editor spiked it without explaining why.  Various tabloids have kept quiet, even since the story broke and has been widely discussed on Twitter. Why? Surely there could be no correlation between their silence and the fact that Whittingdale holds the key to section 40 of the Crime and Courts Act 2013? This was set up as a cheap alternative to costly libel trials by operating a sort of arbitration system – publishers who refused to agree to the procedure would have to pay the costs of a libel trial whether they won or lost. So far, Whittingdale has failed to introduce it and only yesterday Hacked Off have been complaining about it. Has the Press decided to keep on his good side and not poke the sleeping lion, as it were, in order to price ordinary libel litigants, the people Cameron promised to help post-Leveson, out of the market? Has the BBC, which is under attack from Whittingdale over the licence fee, kept quiet to save its skin? And if any of that is true, Readers, that really would be a scandal.


We begin our review of the week’s sartorial shockingness with little wiener Justin Bieber, looking preposterous at the iHeart Radio Awards. 

The good news is that Justin’s crotch is not nestling around his knees, where it is usually to be seen. The bad news is that he still looks like a pillock. It is too styled-so-as-not-to-seem-styled, from the ripped denim to the hockey shirt to the bleached dreadlocks. This is not an issue of cultural appropriation. He just looks silly.

This man is also looking daft – American DJ Elvis Duran wearing DSquared2. 

The suit is made from one of the nastier patterned leftover duvet covers in the Old Navy rummage basket. 

This is singer Natasha Bedingfield at, wait for it, the UCLA Institute of the Environment and Sustainability Celebrates the Champions of Our Planet’s Future. Really. They must need an invitation the size of a coffee table just to accommodate the event title. Think of the postage costs. Not to mention all those dead trees.

No one has owned up to designing this dress and is it any wonder? The bra looks like a couple of sequinned manhole covers, the slip is ugly and her pose is ridiculous. As for the sandals, WTF prefers not to speak of them.

Here is billionaire fashion victim James Goldstein out and about. He only wears designer so someone in Paris or Milan is taking the piss. Big time.

Yurgle! He looks like a superannuated Suzi Quattro. His hair is an It’s Got To Go all in its own…..

To the American Country Music Awards, always a rich source of revolting outfits. This is US TV personality Savannah Chrisley, wearing Amato Couture.

There always has to be a sheer dress with a Minge Moment at one of these events and here it is, compete with silver merkin. Please make it stop.

And perennial offender Katy Perry was also there, wearing Jeremy Scott Couture. 

Katy performed with Dolly Parton but that does not mean that she has to dress like her. Frankly, even Dolly would baulk at those Lady-Penelope-goes -t0-the-Rodeo boots. Yee haw!

Next up we have gorgeous actress Elizabeth Debicki, star of the splendid series The Night Manager, wearing Danish designer YDE.

Even someone as beautiful as Elizabeth cannot convince us that tiers of fishnet covered in randomly-placed mould spores look good. Because they just don’t. Not even at all.

Meet singer Mutya Bueno, late of the Sugarbabes. Whatever she is wearing, there needs to be more of it.

Oh dear Lord. Quite apart from the fact that she has more tattoos than Popeye, this top-and-tiny-shorts combo is unflattering and there seems to be more material in the belt than the rest of it.

Now we have TV personage and Adidas model Kylie Jenner wearing Balmain.

Oh for Goodness’ sake. If a sack of potatoes had tits and went shopping, this is what it would look like.

Yikes! This gruesome twosome are Brazilian model and “Pet Adoption Advocate”Ana Braga  (left) and our old friend, actress Phoebe Price.

What the buggery bollocks is a “Pet Adoption Advocate”? The doggie is the best dressed of the bunch. The other two are showing us their all, not that we want to see it, and appear to be indicating they have a certain prowess in…well, you know. With luck, the doggie did a wee-wee over both of them.

Another long-term favourite, rapper Lil’ Kim wearing Angell Brinks.

This is, to say the least, schizophrenic. There is a high neck and a puritan collar on a sheer dress with an abundance of thigh. As for Lil’ Kim’s face, stand her under hot lights and she will slowly melt away…..

Finally, we encounter singer Gwen Stefani wearing Heaven knows what at the Saturday Night Live after-party.

And the rear view  – literally

Sigh. That ruffle looks like a leftover Halloween decoration but the whole outfit is a nightmare. Her bum is great but that does not mean that she needs to expose it. Just saying…. 

This week’s It’s Got to Go is Madonna and her ongoing quest to regain custody of Rocco, 15, her son by ex-husband Guy Ritchie. Rocco is refusing to return to New York to live with his ghastly mother, that is when she is actually at home and not turning up 4 hours late for concerts across the globe. Rocco has worked out that the only person who really matters to Madonna is Madonna. As evidenced by the quote from one of her spokesman – “She has been exercising every day to make sure she is in perfect health for when they meet.” As you do…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments rolling in. WTF, like half of Middle England, is very traumatised by The Archers and needs to be cheered up. And don’t forget your top suggestions for It’s Got To Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x



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6 Responses to WTF Hold the Front Page Special

  1. Ana Braga? Leave the pets alone, love. I’ll be up for adoption next week.

  2. Lottie says:

    Madonna is a sily old tart and Rocco is a very sensible chap for not wanting to have anything to do with her.

  3. Laura Walton says:

    It’s a hockey shirt, but yes I agree.

  4. Sarah Denby says:

    Wow! This was really a lovely horror-fest! And, not to pick any nits, but Bieber is wearing a jersey from the New York Rangers pro ice hockey team, not any kind of football (I don’t expect you to keep up on every random American sport… no worries there). How could someone as rich as James Goldstein still be so butt-ugly? Leaves me speechless. And if you think Savannah Chrisley is bad, you should see the rest of her family. Ugh. Mutya Bueno needs a personal trainer badly. Loved your description of Kylie Jenner–spot on! Keep up the good work….

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