Hallo Readers,

Look at this picture and tell me what you see……

The man lying prone of the turf is Chelsea’s Eden Hazard. He earns £200,000 a week. Yes, you did read that right. On Sunday, Chelsea were unexpectedly drawing 2-2 at home with Swansea on the first day of the season and down to 10 men. With less than 2 minutes to go, Hazard was tackled, fell to the ground and stayed there. At which point, the referee beckoned on Chelsea’s medical staff, club doctor Eva Carneiro and physiotherapist Jon Fearn to treat Hazard in what seemed to be the last stages of terminal death. Football rules dictate that a player treated by medics has to leave the field and come back on again which meant that for a minute or so Chelsea would be down to 8 outfield players and left yet more vulnerable. The manager, Jose Mourinho went raving mad, cavorting in rage like an epileptic eel and screaming profanities. On their return to the dugout he publicly abused Carneiro and Fearn and told them “to get off the fucking pitch”.  Both have been banned from the bench but Carneiro has also been banned from the changing room and the team hotel and confined to duties at the training ground. Mourinho says “I wasn’t happy with my medical staff because even if you are a medical doctor or secretary on the bench you have to understand the game”. This was a dig at Carneiro because most men are arseholes when it comes to football and believe that women, even those with a medical degree, cannot understand the game whereas the dimmest bloke with the IQ of a root vegetable can get his head around it. And Mourinho is an industrial strength arsehole. WTF also wondered at the use of the word “secretary” as in “take a letter Ms Carneiro”. Carneiro has been demoted. Fearn appears to have been more lightly punished. It now being put about that the players were unhappy with having a woman in the dressing room because it meant they had to moderate their behaviour. That old chestnut. 

Here’s the thing. Either Hazard was injured, in which case he needed medical help, or he was running down the clock. When Mourinho said that Carneiro did not understand the game, he meant that she did not realise that Hazard was cheating. Chelsea employs a doctor and a physiotherapist team to tend to their expensive prima donnas but when one of them did his Anna Pavlova as the Dying Swan act and they ran on to treat him, they were publicly humiliated and the woman was demoted. M’Learned friends are already rubbing their hands in glee and eyeing up the Krug.

According to Mourinho, he knew Hazard just had a knock and was tired. Tired? He had 90 seconds to go (in which time he would earn another £29 76). But instead of ranting and raving at Hazard for cheating or at his goalkeeper for getting himself sent off, he bollocked the doctors. And of course this has managed to divert attention away from Chelsea’s disappointing performance. Mourinho is good at that. And that, Readers, is the essence of The Beautiful Game today. 

This week saw the premiere of The Man From Uncle and it was attended by singer and actor Reeve Carney wearing…well what WAS he wearing?

Reeve looks like the lovechild of a young Jackson Browne and Sam Weller from The Pickwick Papers. Particularly deplorable are the trousers that have had a serious argument with his ankles, the shrunken jacket and the braces. Yurgle…

We haven’t seen one of WTF’s favourite Z-listers recently so it is a pleasure to welcome back actress Chelsee Healey out in Manchester wearing Liverpool designer KU Spendlove and a rather lovely Chanel bag.

The hair was last seen on the back end of a horse at Royal Ascot and the white sequinned catsuit is bog-standard bad, too long and ill-fitting. The side however is seriously appalling.

Chelsee is currently appearing in Casualty. WTF knows this because the programme is her guilty secret even though it is rubbish. WTF nearly had to go to Casualty herself on catching sight of Chelsee’s exposed tittage. Just. Not. Necessary.

Last week we had Madam Ling-Ling. This week we have WTF stalwart, actress and professional flasher Bai Ling. Here she is out to dinner in LA.

This would not even pass muster if she were coming back from the pool, let alone walking around LA. Never mind Let’s Go To The Paris. This is more a case of Let’s Go To The Doctor. And why is she wearing bloody sunglasses in the dark?

This week young Kylie Jenner, one of the new Addams Family that is the Kardashian/Jenner clan, turned 18. Among the guests at the bash was Zayn Malik,  farouche former member of the World’s most successful boy band One Direction. (He ditched them for his fiancée. He then ditched his fiancée. Go figure…). The bomber jacket is Louis Vuitton.

Zayn fancies himself as a Fashionista and this is a sobering example of what modern men’s fashion looks like, i.e. shit. WTF has long banged on about the awfulness of men’s trousers and these are exhibit A. Are they zipless jeans? Are they jogging pants? Why are they concertina’d around his shins? Answer on a postcard please….. 

Oh dear. Kris Jenner just does not learn. She attended her daughter’s party wearing an Agent Provocateur bustier and a Balmain jacket.

True, the entire Jenner/Kardashian clash are pure trash but this look caught WTF’s eye. It is very blind brothel keeper (Madame Ling-Ling, the LA version) taken for a walk by her young carer. Except that the young carer is Kris’ lover, Corey Gamble, 25 years her junior and she, like Bai Ling, is wearing sunglasses in the dark. (WHY? Just asking…) 

It now turns out that Kris wants her ex-husband Caitlin Jenner (né Bruce) to go on a double date with her, Corey and a man of Caitlyn’s choosing, the whole thing to be recorded for her reality TV series. Pass the sick bucket.

Kris’ son Rob Kardashian used to date Rita Ora and here she is popping out (and popping out are the mots justes) in New York wearing Vera Wang but without the bodice that is supposed to go under the top. 

There may be people living in the Gobi desert who have not seen Rita’s cleavage. Lucky them. The rest of us are subjected to it on a regular basis and it has become tiresome. WTF hates a visible bellybutton almost above all things and is not a fan of trousers with no feet at the end of them or hair like an Afghan hound. 

And finally, we say hello to a newcomer to these pages, comedian and actress Amy Schumer at the Berlin premiere of her new movie “Trainwreck” wearing something or other and Giuseppe Zanotti sandals

You can tell that Amy is a comedian because she is dressed like a saucy dental nurse with two-tone tits. Two-tone tits are never a good look, resembling as they do a couple of brown boiled eggs in white egg cups. There needs to be more skirt, she is as orange as an orange and the footwear looks fiendishly uncomfortable. Meanwhile, Amy’s stylist needs a slap, a P45 and another slap.

This week’s It’s Got To Go comes from WTF aficionado Daniel from Stevenage who is fed up with Arsenal manager Arsène Wenger but even more fed up with starting the football season every year reading the opinions of (alleged) experts and pundits various who inform him that this year will different from last year and that Arsenal really will be able to mount a challenge for the title. Because, says Daniel, they can’t and they won’t and buying a 34 year old Chelsea reject goalkeeper and giving the lads 8 weeks holiday will not change anything and a lot of trees are dying in vain so that this rubbish can be printed. WTF is reminded of Sally Bowles’ plaintive song in Cabaret – Maybe This Time…. And that didn’t work out either, did it?

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in because they keep WTF cheerful and don’t neglect your excellent suggestions for It’s Got to Go. Let us meet again next Friday. Be good x