WTF Flashman Special

Hallo Readers,

  “…whatever harm a spiteful heart and venomous tongue could do them, he took care should be done. Only throw dirt enough, and some of it is sure to stick; and so it was with the fifth form and the bigger boys in general, with whom he associated more or less, and they not at all. Flashman managed to get Tom and East into disfavour, which did not wear off for some time after the author of it had disappeared…”

The description is of the fictional school bully Flashman in Tom Brown’s Schooldays but how well it suits our ever-so-superior Prime Minister. Like the fabled scorpion who stings the frog to death, even though it also results in his own demise, it is Dave’s nature. He just cannot help himself. This week he was at the Despatch Box in the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Dodge-the-Question-Time. Harriet Harman, acting Leader of the Labour Party, asked him about the upcoming European Referendum. Cameron replied that Labour MPs had backed his Referendum Bill the day before despite Ed Miliband previously not supporting it and then compared this to “the biggest mass conversion since that Chinese general baptised his troops with a hose”. (Oh, how we laughed). Harman shot back that he had won the election. “He doesn’t need to do ranting and sneering and gloating. He can just answer the question. Frankly, he should show a bit more class”. As Flashman found out in the novel, the only way to deal with a bully is to take him on and for the next couple of questions Dave actually gave actual answers and in a civilised way. But of course it did not last and back he slid into sneering mode because that is what he does. It is his nature.

Yes, being Prime Minister is not about being nice. Otherwise we could have had WTF’s Mum in the role. Or Lorraine Kelly from Breakfast telly. But there is no need to carry on as if you were ordering a couple of fags to bring you your breakfast (US readers – this is not a reference to gays, but to the ancient private school practice of having little boys act as quasi-servants to the older boys. It is supposed to be character building. Or something). WTF is getting on a bit but she cannot recall any Prime Minister maintaining quite such an unpleasant attitude which puts her in mind of the late and deeply unlamented Leona Helmsley. He may pretend to support Aston Villa FC (he so doesn’t) and to be a Man of the People (he so isn’t) but basically he is just a snobby, snotty little git with no real convictions of his own, other than he wants to be PM. His instinct is to rant, sneer and gloat. He may be posh but Harriet is right – he really does lack class.

We start our weekly sartorial inquest with Sports Illustrated model Samantha Hoopes at the LA premiere of Entourage.

WTF is bemused. What are those things emerging from Samantha’s lady areas? The one in front looks  like placenta. At what point did afterbirth become a fashion accessory? There also appears to be an absence of skirt, a visible belly-button and hideous diamanté hooves. These are all very bad things.

This is Solange wearing Toni Maticevski.

Let us be frank. This is a piece of peekaboo nonsense with built-in colostomy bag. There is of course nothing wrong with a colostomy bag but it seems a tad tasteless to attach one to a designer frock when the wearer has no need of it. Just saying.

Nicole Kidman attended the CMAs with her husband, singer Keith Urban, wearing Balenciaga.

This is just so terribly, terribly terrible. The outfit is a bizarre combination of a bellhop’s trousers  and a sparking, fur-trimmed maternity smock. Worse, her face is frozen as fuck and the hair makes her look like an apricot poodle.

Next we have splendid actress Gillian Anderson wearing Paolo Sebastian at last week’s London Glamour Awards.

This is very titsy and the vomit salmon hue is awful (you wouldn’t want to eat a salmon that colour), especially on a blonde. Gillian looks like a sand-snake shedding its skin on the Red Carpet. Her stylist should get a slap, a P45 and another slap. 

Talking of titsy, Lady Gaga came to London this week and wandered around the streets like this.

Look, no one expects Gaga to be kitted out in a twinset and pearls but it is quite a different matter to totter around coram publico in gold sandals and nothing but a sparking fishnet over diamond nipple pasties and big knickers. She also appears to have a turkey on her head, courtesy of Philip Treacy, which is absolutely fowl.

To New York where we encounter fashion diva Victoria Beckham wearing, er, herself and Vogue America’s European Editor-at-Large Hamish Bowles wearing Dries van Noten.

As a matter of interest, what is an Editor-at-Large? Do you get promoted to the role from an Editor-at-Small? Anyway, the suit is the absolute pits and Hamish also needs to rethink that centre parting as his hair looks like something has landed randomly on his head and died there. As for Posh, the black billowing thing she is wearing neither fits not flatters and WTF is fed up with her permanently funereal expression.

To the Tonys, that orgy of orgasmic, squealing  self-congratulation that is the Broadway Theatre Awards. There was some shocking fashion about, including on Canadian singer Kiesza wearing Altazurra.

WTF is all for recycling but Altazurra seems to have assembled this frock from the shredder. There is a lot of pale flesh, a preponderance of eyeliner, a nose-ring and, for some reason, knuckledusters. And white is not her colour.

Actress Sharon Stone attended the Tonys Viewing Party in this bizarre outfit.

This is a mixture of a Playboy bunny and Maria’s apron-and-short-hair-combo from The Sound of Music. And it does not work either way. Not even at all.

And finally there was the evening’s MC, actor Alan Cumming wearing Lucio Castro.

Those legs should be permanently hidden, like those under a Victorian piano. They are both very pale and exceptionally hairy. However, Adonis would look bad in this ludicrous shorts suit which has more than a hint of Harry Potter about it, worn inexplicably with a black bow tie, black socks and black Hush Puppies. Alan should turn his fingers around and wave them at Lucio Castro.

This week’s It’s Got to Go is suggested by WTF stalwart  Leslie Verrinder who is nauseated by those pictures of plates of food outside fast food “restaurants”. Leslie says the snaps are revolting, usually taken by the owner’s mate with a camera phone, mounted on sticky film and then allowed to fade nicely in the sun until the contents resemble something someone else has regurgitated. They may convince drunken revellers to partake of the fare within but no-one sober would want to ingest it. It’s Got to Go.

The winner of the Summer Stinker Poll 2015 was of course Bobby Norris  and  his revolting cocksock. Actress Joy Villa did very well to secure second place and wore something vaguely closer to clothes, even though it was made from traffic netting. You can click on the links to relive the experience…..

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. Keep those comments coming in and your suggestions for It’s Got to Go and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x

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7 Responses to WTF Flashman Special

  1. Laura says:

    For some reason I was shocked when I scrolled down and was confronted by the photo of Gillian Anderson’s boobs, I don’t understand my severe reaction as I have been following this wonderful blog for a few years and considered myself to have immunity from such “shock and awe” outfits. The designer is obviously a lover of nature as he took inspiration from something reptilian for the dress then either drunkenly or rather fancifully created a monster by grafting onto it some fantail goldfish fins.

    I was wondering if these suits men are wearing with shorts are a reflection on the fact that our society is riddled with paedophiles. The male version of St Trinians perhaps?

    Can I lodge an objection to the fact that Bobby and his dick sock won the poll? I would like to see him disqualified and here is my reason in a nutshell (no pun intended) – technically I feel that this blog is about clothes and he is clearly not wearing any. I mean how would you explain to your children when encountering such an abomination on the beach abroad? Would your child exclaim “look Mummy at that man’s clothes”? I think not and therefore I rest my case.

  2. Your Mum for PM:
    Why not try making Prime Minister about being nice?
    Could it really produce a result that is less appealing than the current process?
    Samantha Hoopes:
    Minge fringe.
    Alan Cumming:
    I watched the Tony Awards until he came out wearing that short pants suit. Knew I’d be seeing that in WTF Fashionshark.
    Then I left the room and read a book. 
    Bobby Norris:
    Cock Sock 2.0 is more or less (mostly less) the same fig leaf that won him last year’s Summer Stinker. As the great American philosopher Yogi Berra once said, “It’s deja vu all over again.” 
    With all due respect to the readers who made Mr. Norris this year’s clear winner, the Summer Stinker should be about bad taste and cluelessness so awful that it is inspired and visionary, not just a variant on last year’s ensemble. 
    One final note about the cock socks:
    After a naked man ran across the stage at the Oscars, David Niven said “Isn’t it fascinating to think that the only laugh that man will ever get in his life is by stripping off and showing his shortcomings?”

  3. Sue Peters says:

    Gillian Anderson’s strange dress is either too long or too short, she looks like she’s been hammered into the ground, (as my dad used to say). I agree that Bobby Norris should be banned from any further polls, there is only one way to go for him now, and I for one do not want to see that.
    Samantha Hoopes (?) looks like she added the thing at the front herself. Maybe it’s the equivalent of tucking your hanky up your knicker leg.
    Solange and Alan Cumming are a waste of oxygen.
    I hope Victoria Beckham’s clothes fit her customers better than they fit her.

  4. Lottie says:

    Nicole Kidman looks like she is wearing the bottom half of Olivia Newton-Johns finale outfit from Grease. I’m not sure what she has on the top half but I hope she still has the receipt.

    What is Solange for? If her sole purpose in life is to make her sister look better, then she’s doing a grand job. Needs to get that top lip looked at though, maybe she could go with Alan Cummings when he goes to get his legs done.

  5. Sarah Denby says:

    You have such a way with words! The flowing afterbirth on Samantha, Solange’s colostomy bag, Posh Spice’s permanent funereal scowl, Lady Gaga with a turkey on her head, Keisza with her frock from and shredder, Sharon as a cross between Maria and a Playboy bunny, Alan’s disgusting hairy legs….I was totally snoring the whole time. Too bad Call Me Dave is such a bully–we on this side of the pond had no idea. Just thought he was ineffectual and loves being in power.

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