Hallo Readers,

During her holiday Down Under (it was glorious, thanks for asking) WTF caught up with the seventh and last series of The West Wing (aired in 2006) where Republican Alan Alda and Democrat Jimmy Smits battle to succeed Martin Sheen as President of the USA. One episode was a debate between the two candidates which was actually broadcast live on US TV. By the end of it, WTF, a wet liberal if ever there was one, was tempted to vote for Alda as Smits was just too good to be true but the point is that the candidates had a proper debate, abandoning the agreed procedure at Alda’s suggestion with real-life anchorman Forrest Sawyer insisting upon getting answers to his questions. It was intelligent and exhilarating TV.

Nine years on and our Prime Minister views the prospect of the Election TV debates with as much enthusiasm as the Chief Rabbi at a hog roast, prompting Tory grandee Lord Tebbitt to describe him as “frit”. You may think “frit” is something you eat with a steak but it is in fact an old Lincolnshire word, used in 1983 by Margaret Thatcher who hailed from those parts, to the Leader of the Opposition and meaning “scared”.  Only in Dave’s case, his frit is triple-fried in goose fat. Dave has declined to participate on the grounds that although the BBC has invited UKIP to participate (2 MPs, albeit by defection) the Green Party (1 MP) has not been invited. Whilst it is outrageous that the Greens have been omitted, Dave’s Quixotic gesture is about as genuine as Katie Price’s tits. No doubt if the Greens are invited, he will hold out for the Monster Raving Loony Party or some such because he clearly doesn’t fancy it.

Well, tough. The British public is starved of proper debate and of politicians actually answering the bloody question. What they get instead is posturing, prevarication and the weekly Punch and Judy show that is Prime Minister’s Questions.  The parties should inform the broadcasters that the Greens must be invited and if Dave then declines to join the Debate, it should proceed without him. Then let us see whether he is really frit or not….

We turn to the week’s clothing cock-ups. We will centre on the Golden Globes but first, one hot off the press in the shapely shape of Gwyneth Paltrow wearing Elie Saab.

There is more camel toe than in Lawrence of Arabia, it has seams in all the wrong places, a truly hideous ruffle and is a horrible shade of vaginal pink. Gwynnie takes smug off into another dimension where no man has boldly gone before boldly and there is nothing like a little schadenfreude to usher in the New Year… oh, and are those Spanx shorties on show?

To The Golden Globes and actress Melissa McCarthy.

This is not a fat thing. This is a fashion thing. Melissa sewed this ensemble herself, constructed from existing items in her wardrobe and channeling a Victorian schoolmarm crossed with a feather duster and with a bell-pull around her neck. Stick to the acting, love…

It’s him again. Here is actor Alan Cumming wearing Calvin Klein.

It’s a nude suit with silk lapels, like a busboy in negative and just terribly, terribly terrible. Actually it isn’t even as good as that. Meanwhile trainers and DJs go together like shit and butter – Lewis Hamilton, take note…

Then there was the splendid actress Jane Fonda wearing Versace.

Jane is a wondrous 77 with an amazing figure for a woman of any age whilst her performance in The Newsroom is a joy to behold but this outfit can best be described as what Frankenstein’s Monster would have worn when competing in Dancing On Ice.

Then we have expectant actress Keira Knightley wearing Chanel.

There is whimsical and there is wanky. This is wanky and part of Nosferatu look-a-likey Karl Lagerfeld’s nonsensical new Chanel collecti0n of wankiness. Just because Keira is pregnant does not mean that she has to dress as an Edwardian child and that butterfly wristlet has definitely got to go.

And of course there was singer and (ahem) actress Jennifer Lopez wearing Zuhair Murad.

When you are this beautiful, why dress as a Drag Queen? The Minge Moment is bad enough, but then there are tits-a-plenty making their bid for freedom whilst her left nipple appears to have gone ahead as the advance party like Steve McQueen in The Great Escape. It is time for Jennifer to put it all away because we have seen it.

Naomi Campbell popped up at the Weinstein after-party wearing Burberry.

Models at these events gets right up WTF’s nose as a general principle but particularly in this case where the lovely Naomi, who never seems to age, paraded herself in a puce bathmat complete with dizzying high front split which simultaneously guaranteed her admission into the categories of both Genitalia Curtains and Minge Moment.

It is always nice to introduce a newcomer to these pages and so we encounter soi-disant Italian actress and publisher Tiziana Rocca wearing Balestra.

Tiziana (or should that be Titsiana?) appears to favour the same tanning methods as Anna dello Russo, namely sitting in a bath of stewed tea for about three hours. As for the dress, she has wrapped herself in a fondant pink strawberry bed sheet without the benefit of an iron and added a toothy grin and bad roots.

Lena Dunham, actress and creator of Girls, one of WTF’s regulars, is wearing Zac Posen. Badly.

Now this is officially a pity because the dress is lovely and suits her well but it simply doesn’t fit, billowing around her waist like a crimson galleon in full sail. Extra minus points for the ridiculous pose, like a toddler desperate for a pee which also fails to showcase her lovely shoes.

Lena’s Girls’ co-star Jemima Kirke was no better, wearing Rosie Assoulin.

Quite apart from the horrible hair like a bedraggled badger’s bum, Jemima is dressed as a member of the Ku Klux Klan dressed as Casper the Friendly Ghost. She is certainly frightening the hell out of WTF and that’s a fact.

But Golden Goose of the night goes to actress Rosamund Pike wearing Vera Wang. Custom-made apparently….

No! NO! Rosamund had a baby only 5 weeks ago but the issue is not her body but her dress with its missing middle and the tits out at right angles like a couple of gutters and so low slung that they are virtually at waist height. This is more Rosamund Puke than Rosamund Pike. It may well have been custom made but it does not appear to have been made for Rosamund, lactating or otherwise…..

It remains to announce the winner of the Christmas Turkey Poll 2014….. drumroll…. Bai Ling. She shot into the lead and stayed there with a final 18% of the vote. Could this be any more ghastly?

OK Readers, that’s your lot for this week. It’s nice to be back and I hope you feel the same. Get busy with the comments and the suggestions for It’s Got to Go (for which there was no room this week) and let us meet again next Friday. Be good x